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Why am I so mean?

You know usually it’s easy for me to figure my emotional stuff out but lately it’s not that way. I was so happy and ever since I got into this relationship it’s like so complicated. It’s not necessarily that it’s a bad relationship for me. I think it’s just shadows and stuff popping up for me that he reflects. 

 

Anyways question. Why am I always so mean? I hate that I’m mean. I don’t understand why I am mean to my partner or to anyone really. Every time he walks into the room when he gets home from work I’m immediately filled with defense and like I’m ready to yell. I feel like this every time he gets home. When he tries to show me love or compliments me I get angry and sometimes feel rage bubbling up inside me. When he wants to talk I get angry. Sometimes everything he does or says gets me in defense and yelling mode. It got to the point that I didn’t want to be touched and would feel rage from being touched. That has gotten somewhat better though. But sometimes I feel I can’t trust the person touching me and I’m scared of being taken advantage of sexually. Sometimes when he touches me in certain places I feel like my skin is burning and I have these visuals of hitting him.  I try to hide it from him because I want this to go away and it doesn’t. I just want to put him down for everything he does that’s remotely positive. And I hate this yet can’t stop! I used to LOVE being shown love. Now it seems it makes me uncomfortable. This kind of seems like it happens in every relationship of mine. I don’t like hugs at all and I judge everyone constantly. 

  It’s just so strange because I used to be like the total opposite of all of this and now it’s like everything I am is the exact opposite of what I want in my life. I feel so stiff, angry, judgemental, and distant from everyone. I wish I could go back to how things were. Why can’t I seem to make that happen? Why am I stuck in this nightmare?  I miss how I used to feel about myself(self love) and about him. And others. 

Edited by sparklinghueman

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Hello @sparklinghueman,

While I don't know what has caused your relationship to turn upside down... living life like you owe nothing to anyone is a very sad existence. No wonder you feel so hateful and angry.  Would it make you happy if your partner leaves and doesn't come back?

 

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Hi! 

It seems to me your boundaries are being violated? Could be you doing it to you or him.

I m kind of going through the same thing and maybe you pick up on his intentions that You arent ok with?  

 

 

Does he truly value you for who you are? 

Do you feel like he just wants your body? 

Does he Want and seek intimate authentic  connection with you? 

Has he hurt you in any way even emotionally? 

Do you feel insignificant? 

Is he emotionally abusive? 

Did you want to enter this relationship for the love itself or because you were or weren’t aware of An unfulfilled need? 

Did things go too fast? Were you ready? 

What are you scared of? What do you fear will happen if you let your guard down? 

Do you feel he is a good person to be around? Someone who brings out the best in you? Or someone who stresses you out more?

Did you stop doing the things that made you happy before? Are you wanting to use him to make you happy? 

Did you stop loving yourself and now placed him in that place to fill that need? 

Did you stop taking responsibility for yourself? 

Do you feelhe violates your boundaries? 

Do you play a particular role and what role are you playing in this relationship? 

What need does he fill for you and what need do you fill for him?

 

 

Feel what you feel and validate it. There is a good reason for it. Maybe it’s not him or something from your own past. 

 

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