Cakimali

Hurt and betrayed myself. Now I don't trust myself

12 posts in this topic

I was doing shadow work(about the negative feeling that was with my for a VERY long time) and came to a realisation that somebody else controls my life which made me feel more afraid than i ever did. I had a panic attack first time in my life, and it lasted a little less than 24 hours at which point couldn't sleep, because my muscles were convulsing(all over). i was throwing up and every other bodily function u can imagine. I even had some suicide thoughts(didn't know how to end the pain and the fear)

Finally a friend gave me a bromazepam, which helped me fall asleep. When i woke up it continued but somehow now i had the strength to calm myself(by making up my mind to return take responsibility for my life)and for the first time in years i felt peaceful(slugish and tired but peaceful). During the day a thought that i don't control it came back for a second and everything went back to the way things were.

The worst part of this is i tried to convince myself like i did the 1st time, but i knew at the time it was not genuine. And i forced myself to accept it so it would stop. Now i hurt and betrayed myself and i can't feel anything(took me 2 years to work my way out of numbness) . 

 

I don't know what to do now, the fear is omnipresent but now i don't have the tools to work with. I'm cut away from my emotions. PLEASE HELP

Edited by Cakimali
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14 hours ago, Cakimali said:

I was doing shadow work(about the negative feeling that was with my for a VERY long time) and came to a realisation that somebody else controls my life which made me feel more afraid than i ever did. I had a panic attack first time in my life, and it lasted a little less than 24 hours at which point couldn't sleep, because my muscles were convulsing(all over). i was throwing up and every other bodily function u can imagine. I even had some suicide thoughts(didn't know how to end the pain and the fear)

Finally a friend gave me a bromazepam, which helped me fall asleep. When i woke up it continued but somehow now i had the strength to calm myself(by making up my mind to return take responsibility for my life)and for the first time in years i felt peaceful(slugish and tired but peaceful). During the day a thought that i don't control it came back for a second and everything went back to the way things were.

The worst part of this is i tried to convince myself like i did the 1st time, but i knew at the time it was not genuine. And i forced myself to accept it so it would stop. Now i hurt and betrayed myself and i can't feel anything(took me 2 years to work my way out of numbness) . 

 

I don't know what to do now, the fear is omnipresent but now i don't have the tools to work with. I'm cut away from my emotions. PLEASE HELP

 

I wouldn't look at it like betrayal, you were simply trying to give yourself some security for your own wellbeing, it was a loving thing to do. I think to advise you further I would have to understand who is controlling you and what ways they control your life. If I have this info I would be very happy to assist you :) 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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On ‎2016‎-‎07‎-‎10 at 0:08 PM, Cakimali said:

and i can't feel anything

Here is an interesting thought. It seems you can feel that you cant feel. Which means you CAN feel it! This also means that you can work with it, to use mindfulness or the emotional integration work to sink in the numbness itself.

To resolve this numbing by doing inner child work to ask when it was the first time you felt that numbing. Re-live that first numbing to then re-arrange that happening to a felt sense of improvement or relief. 

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On 7/10/2016 at 3:38 PM, Cakimali said:

I was doing shadow work(about the negative feeling that was with my for a VERY long time) and came to a realisation that somebody else controls my life which made me feel more afraid than i ever did. I had a panic attack first time in my life, and it lasted a little less than 24 hours at which point couldn't sleep, because my muscles were convulsing(all over). i was throwing up and every other bodily function u can imagine. I even had some suicide thoughts(didn't know how to end the pain and the fear)

Finally a friend gave me a bromazepam, which helped me fall asleep. When i woke up it continued but somehow now i had the strength to calm myself(by making up my mind to return take responsibility for my life)and for the first time in years i felt peaceful(slugish and tired but peaceful). During the day a thought that i don't control it came back for a second and everything went back to the way things were.

The worst part of this is i tried to convince myself like i did the 1st time, but i knew at the time it was not genuine. And i forced myself to accept it so it would stop. Now i hurt and betrayed myself and i can't feel anything(took me 2 years to work my way out of numbness) . 

 

I don't know what to do now, the fear is omnipresent but now i don't have the tools to work with. I'm cut away from my emotions. PLEASE HELP

@Cakimali where did all these started? Do you remember any turning point?

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On 7/11/2016 at 2:52 AM, authorofdarkness said:

 

I wouldn't look at it like betrayal, you were simply trying to give yourself some security for your own wellbeing, it was a loving thing to do. I think to advise you further I would have to understand who is controlling you and what ways they control your life. If I have this info I would be very happy to assist you :) 

 

Sorry for not replaying earlier. Had a really tough few days. I managed to regain my ability to feel(after accepting and not rejecting my emotions, but it took quite a toll on me).

I came to realisation that the people who are controlling my life and the people who i'm afraid of are my parents. They are not with me atm, they are on a vacation which has allowed me to see and come to understand and release resistance to my relationship with them. I'm terrified of them and I didn't even know it. When i meditate on a nagging negative emotion that is always present with me(and that doesn't let me enjoy anything) i start to tense up, start to shiver, my muscles hurt.

They are controlling my life by making a dynamic in which i'm not allowed to feel how if feel or express how i feel. My father trivializes my emotion by making jokes and laughing at how i feel or is completely detached. My mother doesn't know what to do, won't (can't) connect with me and is afraid of emotions. Both of them non-verbally demand i act in a transaction kind of way(i validate them and fulfill their other needs then i "can" get my needs met). 

This is an all-consuming wound which stops me from enjoying or concentrate on anything. 

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6 hours ago, Amit said:

@Cakimali where did all these started? Do you remember any turning point?

It think it was always present but masked underneath other wounds. The turning point was me healing a heavy wound i had. After i did it i was so happy, so uplifted and it lasted a while, felt like i was with myself and unafraid to be, like it was normal. The same night a friend came with a problem of braking up with his GF, and stayed for around 5 mins and left. I had REAL problem being myself with him, feeling and acting how i feel in his presence. It's a male friendship i modeled after my relationship with my father. I'm trained to shield him from his own negative emotions. And that means saying how i feel or acting how i feel so he wouldn't abandon me(he's my "best friend"). And a thought became conscious: I don't control my own life, he does, and my father, and my mother. I need to take responsibility for my life. But I am terrified and in so much pain and the worst thing is i am completely alone :'(:'(:'( .

Edited by Cakimali
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On 7/10/2016 at 3:38 PM, Cakimali said:

 

42 minutes ago, Cakimali said:

It think it was always present but masked underneath other wounds. The turning point was me healing a heavy wound i had. After i did it i was so happy, so uplifted and it lasted a while, felt like i was with myself and unafraid to be, like it was normal. The same night a friend came with a problem of braking up with his GF, and stayed for around 5 mins and left. I had REAL problem being myself with him, feeling and acting how i feel in his presence. It's a male friendship i modeled after my relationship with my father. I'm trained to shield him from his own negative emotions. And that means saying how i feel or acting how i feel so he wouldn't abandon me(he's my "best friend"). And a thought became conscious: I don't control my own life, he does, and my father, and my mother. I need to take responsibility for my life. But I am terrified and in so much pain and the worst thing is i am completely alone :'(:'(:'( .

So, what is your solution now?

I think, if you think they control your life then be with them for some time with full consciousness....see what they say and listen to them if they are in touch. If not in touch then just say hi without thinking twice. Dont break the communication and keep on sharing feelings and thoughts. You can accept what you feel right and politely reject what you dont like. Such a big community here and you are feeling alone??? Repair the past and move on man!

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Hi Cakimali, might not be very on point but you said "My mother doesn't know what to do, won't (can't) connect with me and is afraid of emotions. "

I want to share an idea - i feel like you are defending your mother, by saying she won't connect, and then correcting yourself and saying she can't connect. If you feel this is true, might be worth understanding why this need to defend exists..

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Hello Cakimali,

I can relate almost with everything you said..

 Teal says that we tend to create the relationship with the parent that we had the most difficult relationship!

It seems to me that you felt the relationship with your father harder than the one with your mother.You felt alone,not heard,not felt,not expressed in his presence, and so you create relationships where you feel the same feelings..  

I feel,too,that I 'have to' feel my parents,understand them,etc when they don't do the same for me! This shows how afraid and hurt our parents are!

You can tell them in loving way 'I feel my feelings don't matter for you.I need more compassion.Can you give it to me?'(not blaming,no 'you',not labels) and see their response.

Once I was crying for a boyfriend I had very much.My father looked at me like some people look at other hysteric,crazy people and said to my mother that I need a psychologist,she never disagrees when he seems so sure,and they took me there! The psychologist said that I just had made my boyfriend 'big deal' in my mind and that my mother may is for blame for that( the truth is she was telling me to send him very melodramatic messages to express my love-the only way she expresses herself)! She never took me to the psychologist again.An example to show you I understand how you feel around them!! :) I love them more than anything in life,though! :)

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My dad is the same way. After lots of research I have come to the conclusion that he is a narcissist, meaning he has no space within himself for differences. Everything external to him he feels must reflect himself and his own life choices, and so he tries to control other people and their lives in order to validate his own life.

Your job is not to validate another person's life, beliefs, or anything. You are meant to live your own life in a way that does not inhibit another person's free will. Symbiosis is the destiny of every single person on this planet, and anyone who lives in a way that is not symbiotic, is out of alignment with their purpose.

I have found often with these sort of people, that they hold beliefs that they are uncertain of. Thus, they feel the need to push their beliefs on other people in order to have validation. In the case of my dad, those beliefs are widespread but a big one is "I cannot do what I love and make a living at the same time."

I do not wish to have this belief, and so I have managed to do my own thing to 'dance' outside of his control for the most part. For many years I did the bare minimum I needed to get what I wanted and needed from him (I'm talking physical things, money, food, etc. I gave up on emotional validation from him years ago) whilst doing my own thing. I wouldn't put it past you to lie to their faces once you start doing your own thing, I wouldn't judge. I did that many times, just lied about my plans. I know that these people are often so dead set on controlling other people that they often react violently, physically and emotionally, when they find out they cannot control you.

My relationship with my dad came to a close recently. I think he finally realized it was never my intention to be who he wanted me to be and as a final reaction threatened to destroy all my art and told me to kill myself. He also took away the last bit of financial dependence I had on him, and now I'm realizing that in many ways, my story begins here. This, is where my freedom begins.

The price of sacrificing your freedom and empowerment isn't worth it. Seek to find other people who understand your situation and know you for who you are, who will be there for you when you need it most. The person trying to control you will begin to lash out and it will get worse before you are finally free. But I swear, once you are free, it will be the most self-loving choice you have ever made in your whole life.

After escaping, I had debillitating anxiety for a while. It was hard to do anything, even leave the house. But now time has passed and I have realized that it's over now, my past. And I never have to talk to that guy who is supposed to be my dad ever again.

Doing inner child work, I recreated who my real dad is... My real dad is a biker dude who listens to a lot of vinyl records, and who defends me against bullies, he's like the type that looks scary as shit but is actually super nice when you get to know them :) not the stupid businessman that my asshole narcissistic fake dad is, lol. I think choosing who you your soul parents are can be a huge part of healing from what happened. :)

I will be keeping you in my thoughts. Remember, you don't have to do anything to let your parents know this shift has taken place within you. Even though they will figure out eventually that you are tired of being controlled by them, you can move quietly in the time being. Either way, you will be in my thoughts.

Dancing is the way to go, to escape control. Find what you really love doing, and then do those things on your own. You don't have to share what you love with these people, they will often use it against you. Excuse me for being a bad influence, but lying to them can be a good way of slipping past them for a while... It doesn't have to be a huge lie, or outright, but a stretched truth, such as when they ask where you are going.

Feel free to message me if you want to talk some more!

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My dad is also controlling. After lots of research I have come to the conclusion that he is a narcissist, meaning he has no space within himself for differences. Everything external to him he feels must reflect himself and his own life choices, and so he tries to control other people and their lives in order to validate his own life.

Your job is not to validate another person's life, beliefs, or anything. You are meant to live your own life in a way that does not inhibit another person's free will. Symbiosis is the destiny of every single person on this planet, and anyone who lives in a way that is not symbiotic, is out of alignment with their purpose.

I have found often with these sort of people, that they hold beliefs that they are uncertain of. Thus, they feel the need to push their beliefs on other people in order to have validation. In the case of my dad, those beliefs are widespread but a big one is "I cannot do what I love and make a living at the same time."

I do not wish to have this belief, and so I have managed to do my own thing to 'dance' outside of his control for the most part. For many years I did the bare minimum I needed to get what I wanted and needed from him (I'm talking physical things, money, food, etc. I gave up on emotional validation from him years ago) whilst doing my own thing. I wouldn't put it past you to lie to their faces once you start doing your own thing, I wouldn't judge. I did that many times, just lied about my plans. I know that these people are often so dead set on controlling other people that they often react violently, physically and emotionally, when they find out they cannot control you.

My relationship with my dad came to a close recently. I think he finally realized it was never my intention to be who he wanted me to be and as a final reaction threatened to destroy all my art and told me to kill myself. He also took away the last bit of financial dependence I had on him, and now I'm realizing that in many ways, my story begins here. This, is where my freedom begins.

The price of sacrificing your freedom and empowerment isn't worth it. Seek to find other people who understand your situation and know you for who you are, who will be there for you when you need it most. The person trying to control you will begin to lash out and it will get worse before you are finally free. But I swear, once you are free, it will be the most self-loving choice you have ever made in your whole life.

After escaping, I had debillitating anxiety for a while. It was hard to do anything, even leave the house. But now time has passed and I have realized that it's over now, my past. And I never have to talk to that guy who is supposed to be my dad ever again.

Doing inner child work, I recreated who my real dad is... My real dad is a biker dude who listens to a lot of vinyl records, and who defends me against bullies, he's like the type that looks scary as shit but is actually super nice when you get to know them :) not the stupid businessman that my asshole narcissistic fake dad is, lol. I think choosing who you your soul parents are can be a huge part of healing from what happened. :)

I will be keeping you in my thoughts. Remember, you don't have to do anything to let your parents know this shift has taken place within you. Even though they will figure out eventually that you are tired of being controlled by them, you can move quietly in the time being. Either way, you will be in my thoughts.

Dancing is the way to go, to escape control. Find what you really love doing, and then do those things on your own. You don't have to share what you love with these people, they will often use it against you. Excuse me for being a bad influence, but lying to them can be a good way of slipping past them for a while... It doesn't have to be a huge lie, or outright, but a stretched truth, such as when they ask where you are going.

It's ok to be where you are right now. You didn't know what was happening, and it's time to take your own power back. I know this might be hard to hear, but other people control you only as much as you allow them to. It's time to take back your own power. Only you know your own desires, wants, and needs best, and anyone else who claims to know better is just trying to validate their own life choices.

You have a relationship with yourself for life; other people can always come and go. It is crucial to start establishing trust with yourself again. I'd reccomend the 365 days of self love challenge that Teal came up with. Any time you have a decision to make, ask, "What would someone who loves themselves do?" And then do that thing, no matter how hard it is. And hey, don't beat yourself up for falling short. We all do :) 

Feel free to message me if you want to talk some more!

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