Noemie

Feeling stuck in trauma, and no amount of therapy or energy work seems to get me to a space of feeling slightly more "healed".

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Feeling stuck in trauma, and no amount of therapy or energy work seems to get me to a space of feeling slightly more "healed".

(TW: sexual abuse, incest)

Dear all, 

I'm looking to find some perspective / advice on my personal situation, which I'm sure, some can relate to.

I am a survivor or childhood sexual trauma, ages roughly 4ish to 9ish. There is an incestuous dimension to this trauma, because the person who was abusing me was posing as my uncle at the time (my aunt's first husband). I repressed the entirety of it and developed anorexia and bulimia as a teenager. Around the age of 24 an auto-immune disease started surfacing. Then one day I the physical memories of the abuse started coming up in fits of convulsions (my body reenacting the moments it tried to defend itself), and sensations of being raped, molested, and soiled. 

I thought from then on I would be able to heal gradually. I had been in therapy since the age of 18. Now 29 years old, I've been in therapy for 11 years with a CBT specialist, and for two years, I've been doing sessions with a skilled energy worker. However. Ever since my last relationship ended, over a year ago, I am being confronted with repeated situations where I feel abused, both physically and psychologically.  Abusive relationships, being a scapegoat in almost all groups of friends and friendships... physical attacks, from ex "friends", or random people on the street. I work so hard on defending myself and placing a boundary, but every time, it makes things worse, and I end up more scared, and attracting more trauma.

I wouldn't call myself "provoking" or "aggressive", and I do understand that I am still stuck in a "victim role", since this keeps happening. But even when I refuse to be one, I get forced into a really harsh situation where clearly, I can't escape abuse. 

Now I'm left with so much anger, hurt, despair, and also, the physical inability to be touched amorously or sexually since my last relationship with a narcissist. I feel so, so stuck. I do shadow work, energy work, psychotherapy, breath work, meditation, maintaining a mindfulness practice... I've tried about everything. My therapist says that I need to take more medication so as to help me become more conscious and less submissive in day-to-day life, as in, "just step up and refuse to be submissive", but damn... it doesn't actually change anything, because I attract so much violence and hatred when I do manage to say 'No'. I can't seem to move forward, but I can't live like this.

Is it common that incestuous sexual trauma victims feel so stuck, even after so much work? Am I missing something? Is this disorganised attachment, as in, spending years angry, wishing for an apology, some form of recognition from the many abusers I have come across in my life? I spend most days crying and getting so angry, my brain automatically going to the memories of all the traumatic incidents and shaming I got these past two years. Nothing is moving though. If I could ask Teal to just tell me what I am missing I would, but I can't afford her retreats. Has someone experienced something relatable and found a way out? Any intuitives around, who feel something coming to mind as they read me? 

I'd be so grateful for any compassionate perspectives and guidance.

Truthfully,

Amy

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Amy,

I'm wondering, how is your relationship with the negative traits you described as a consequence of your abuse? The way you describe your experience, I believe that you may perceive yourself as broken or irreversibly fragmented. When we are violated beyond comparison to the experiences of our peer grouped, it is easy for us to feel tainted or, in an extreme case, cursed. When the cycle of abuse repeats itself over and over again, I think it reinforces that concept.  Have you tried shadow work? Do you love yourself, do you feel compassion for yourself? Do you put your own needs forward?

-Availuu 

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