Scot

Missing chances for connection

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Missing chances for connection

My question is about missing opportunities for connection.

I have no doubt that I have missed many chances for connection.  I would say that most of the time I have been too scared to put myself out there, open up and be the real me.  I feel like I put up walls to keep other people out.  Or the wall is just a fear of saying something, or doing something that other people might think is weird. 

But what about the opposite?  What about being too open? Completely letting the walls down and admitting my deep dark secrets to relatively new people?  Some people might be put off.  But I might find true and deep connection. (Actually, I have found recently that boundaries are actually really important.  In my connotation, walls are based in fears that keep us separate.  But when you let the walls down, it becomes important to know where the boundaries are.  Boundaries are based in the knowledge of what keeps us safe.)

In the dance of connection, it seems to me that I usually let the other person take the lead.  I let them open the doors, but once the door is open, I’m willing and able to walk through.

And so, I am sure that I have missed chances for connection because I have been closed off.  I don’t want to err.  I don’t want to be too open.  I don’t want to be too closed.  I am finding it hard to know where the right balance point is.

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On 9/8/2018 at 7:56 AM, Scot said:

what about the opposite?  What about being too open? Completely letting the walls down and admitting my deep dark secrets to relatively new people?

Why in the world would you want to do that?

On a side note, openness has very high vibrations spiritually speaking. It is not the transparency of openness that scares but the pure honesty of it.

Small children don't have many words to express themselves, so they operate out of their emotions/feelings and it is all written on their face. And let's be honest, an open mind like that is a lot to take. I think this could be one of the reasons why so many parents feel out of control or they feel they can't handle the chaos at home and often honestly admit that they prefer daycare as a solution to this. I am not saying this is bad as it is can be hard to face so much openness. 

What saddens me is that I feel that openness often goes unrecognized or mistaken for behavioural problems in children.

 

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On 9/8/2018 at 7:56 AM, Scot said:

walls are based in fears that keep us separate.  But when you let the walls down, it becomes important to know where the boundaries are.  Boundaries are based in the knowledge of what keeps us safe.

I sooo relate to this. I often struggle with opening up but not opening up too much so as to put the person off.  It often feels as though I just haven't found my niche of friends, because my ideal friends would never be put off by me being too open. And so it is incredibly disappointing that these types of people are so hard to find. It feels that everyone is either superficial or scared of themselves/me. 

I have kind of given up and retreated into myself. It is hard to open up to people constantly and to be turned down constantly. So I would rather just feel safe in my boundaries...I wouldn't say I've put walls up though. Because if I ever sense someone is willing to be open then I will go there with them in a heartbeat. I just wait until I sense that...and the opportunity is rare.

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Brene Brown talks about “marble jar friends”.  Each act of sharing and mutual revelation puts another marble in the marble jar.  You can share the really deep stuff with those people who have proven trustworthy.

Some people seem to have more capacity to share their depths.  Some people seem to have more need to share their depths.  We have to find each other and start putting marbles into marble jars.

 

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