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Andrew_044

Afraid to look inwards

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Afraid to look inwards

I am afraid to turn inside and heal myself.I got Teal's book,The Completition Process, because I knew it would help me resolve my emotional issues and become a better and kinder human being.However,all the time I distract myself from the inner work I have to do.I can't even maintain my daily meditation habit.I think I'm afraid of what I'll find in myself and I don't know how to deal with this fear.My intuition says that this is what I need to do,but..I just can't.I'd appreciate any help or advice.For the record,I'm procrastinating on creating my safe heaven step in the book.I am tired of finding excuses and avoid what I need to do.

Also,a weird thing keeps happening to me(which has nothing to do with what I wrote above).I keep seeing dead pigeons every day.I'm not kidding.For the past 20+ days every time I go outside either to hang out with friends or buy something I see at least a dead pigeon.There is no virus spread in my city or something,and I don't remember such a thing happening before.Is this..a sign?I'm a very logical person and from my point of view this is nothing more but a mere unfortunate persisting coincidence,but it starts to disturb me.

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I have finished (and am still reviewing) a meditation course through Insight Timer called “Coming Home to Yourself”.  The course recommends opening up to yourself and exploring your depths. And it says that looking internally can be very scary because of fear of what you might find.  So you are not alone in having this fear.

I have personally been going through a rather long period of personal growth.  I have been referring to it as my midlife crisis.  (I’m 50.  Maybe I’m a bit older than the average person to be having a midlife crisis but we all go through our stuff when we are ready for it.). But I have done a lot of soul searching and although I still carry fears, I am not afraid of looking inward.  I think I have uncovered most or all of what is lurking down there.  

So I believe that your soul will find what your soul needs, but you need to have the courage to look.

Now as far as the dead pigeons: I’m a very logical fellow and I have heard of synchronicities.  Jung believed in synchronicities as being “meaningful coincidences”.  For me, I have a difficult time deciding whether these meaningful coincidences are just coincidences or they are meaningful and part of some thing’s or someone’s grand plan. I don’t know.

There does seem to be an intelligence behind a lot of things that happen but the question is whether that intelligence is “out there” in the world or is the intelligence that exists within my own brain.  Objective reasoning would say it is the latter.  Spiritualism would say it is the former. 

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Being afraid to look inward is perfectly understandable, there is scary stuff in there! It's where all the things about yourself that you don't like are hiding. There are memories of pain and suffering, embarrassment, humiliation and abuse. Unless you are willing to face your fears you'll never be able to see yourself as the hero of your own adventure. One tool for facing fear is anger. When you get angry with yourself for not facing your fears then you will have the courage to go to those places that scare you and relive the experiences that left you feeling like you had to bury the pain , the memory, the experience or hide it from the light of day. Another tool that helps to look at yourself is the light of love. Knowing the love of God or the love of friends and family or the universal love that lights up the night sky is a powerful tool to bring those things that you fear into the light of love and dispel the fear and see them for the lies and the misunderstandings that they are. Pray, meditate, imagine the light shining into your heart showing you your fears, dissolving them or illuminating them so you can see the truth. There really is nothing to fear. Look at the process of looking inward as a journey, an adventure, a quest. No journey is without risk, no adventure without danger, no quest without challenge, that's what makes them worthwhile. There may be some loss connected with growth and change. You can't plant flowers until you pull the weeds and till the soil. You have to kill the dragon to rescue the princess. You have to kill the pigeon to feed the eagle. It may be a difficult journey but it's worth it. Enjoy the ride!

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2 hours ago, Pastor George said:

One tool for facing fear is anger. When you get angry with yourself for not facing your fears then you will have the courage to go to those places t

I want to say something about turning anger towards yourself...  turning anger towards yourself seems like something we do to teach ourselves a lesson.  In my experience, I don’t learn my lessons any better if I get angry with myself, and turning anger towards myself seems to lead me to depression.

What would Yoda say?  “Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hatred, and hatred leads to suffering”

”what would someone who hates themselves do?”  They would hate themselves for having fears.  Beat themselves up for their weaknesses...

I think it is far better to show yourself compassion.  “What would someone who loves themselves do?” They would show themselves compassion and face their fears and do the hard work that needs to be done.

 

Edited by Scot
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I think you missed my point. I wasn't suggesting being angry at ones self but merely at the situation. Your point is well taken and thanks for making it. In my life anger has given me the courage to address issues i couldn't have without it. But, then i had to address the anger later. It was worth it at the time. i needed it. Perhaps there was a better solution. That's why I added other suggestions.

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Fear is an interesting beast. Its a function based indicator or status light. Like Star Trek's Red alert or Yellow Alert. You sense or imagine a possible or immenient danger (could be something you would not want to deal with). An indicator light on the status board.  Its always going to be there. It a status light. This precedes action. I think Yoda was reacting to what was occuring at the moment. Fear CAN lead to hatred, another status light. etc..... Be careful of your next choice. I think fear also requires some degree of simulating, a temporal thing, what you believe will happen next and it may be true. But how true. One way to tackle it is sift through what you actually know and forget the rest for the moment. Slowwww things down. This definitely disarms panic and its not easy to do. As for looking inward. Go for it. What was that saying.... know yourself, know your enemy and you'll never lose a battle. Well it doesn't exactly rule out sacrafice or retreat. I'd rather know than not. How else are you to improve yourself or at least know your limitations. There is no such thing as a stupid question even about yourself only self imposed ignorance. ALL of us experience this.

I hear you about anger. What is the point of being angry with onceself. What does that get done. Its just an indicator light and kicking once self in the ....ss strangely just creates a pain in the neck. Focus on why the light is on and what else may also be lit up. Don't know if my anger is strange. It's 95% mostly short lived and non destructive. Reflecting back this keeps me out of trouble most of the time and was the correct decision. Not to not feel angry but how I responded to that flashing red light.

Have a nice day.

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What is even more scary than looking inward, is not looking inward. All that stuff that is lingering deep inside, that IS you.

The way I go about it may not be as dramatic as others would do, perhaps, since I just keep thinking about why I do and love certain things, and keep digging deeper until I found the answer. For example, I was wondering recently why I was so eager to buy a really good looking sportscar for a pretty cheap price. Thinking about it, I wanted to stick it to super rich guys that spend tons of money on machines, that my machine with a way better price can match or even beat. But I had to dig deeper, why do I want to stick it to rich guys so bad though? I eventually found, that deep down I felt less worth than others, I felt like I was always judged to be not good enough, and that I never will be. Out of this feeling, grew a desire to spite this expectation, I wanted to prove to all that even with the hand that I am dealt with, I can still take it on with everyone else. I wanted to prove that I am better and smarter, and always saw myself at an disadvantage that I needed to overcome. I wanted to have the feeling, that on an equal playing field, no man on earth could match me.

My error was, that I kept thinking I was less worth than others, because of how I was treated during my childhood in school. Realizing, that I myself keep judging myself as less worth, I understood that it was an ancient mindset that I still carried with me from that hell time in school. I believe I am getting a better understanding of what "inner child" really means, subconscious thoughts remain still, capturing the emotions and concepts of the moment they were made, but your life doesn't remain still, the thoughts become "outdated"! I think that's a really cool explanation 😄

All in all, I pondered about that for ~15 minutes? You don't have to make a big drama show out of it in my opinion, just pick some stuff you always found odd about yourself, and keep questioning it until you get this "aha!" moment. Or more like "....aaaa-ha.......". View it like a game, all these hidden subconscious thoughts are levels, and the more you beat of them, the better your life will be. Does this help you with your struggle?

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