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Money issues

I'ts so unfair to pressured in to having a job. The only reason I want a job is to get recognition from the society I live in so they won't see me as a bad person. They say I should do something I like and go for that, but every time I try to make something I like in to a job I start hate the thing I do. Society and the people that continue to maintain it are making me feel like I should be wanting to contribute by having a job and pay taxes. One part of me wants to have a job and live like a person that is considered "normal", another part of me is like "no way, no one is going to love the real you for doing that". I cant pull my self out of this feeling of being trapped in a society that is forcing people to do stuff they don't want to do. I feel like I have to pay a price to get what I want. I feel like the only way to be with people that don't disproof of you is to "do the right thing, get a job". I feel like such a bad person because I don't want to have a job and everyone is kind of looking at me with disappointing eyes that are saying : "if only you could pull yourself together because you are such a lovely girl".  But now the funny part: when I consider the people I want to have in my life I don't want them to be people who are not doing anything with their life. So why should I get to do nothing, while other must do something to have my approval?

 I have figured out that the only thing I truly want is connection and relationships, but it's not working to do something just because I think It's getting me something else. But when I don't engage in this society in a way that's "normal" I'm left alone by people. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to have to do "hard work" in any areas of life right now. Even doing the stuff I like I don't want to do. The whole work-mentality that you are being hired for what you can do for someone and not for who you are is frustrating. I feel like it's trapping me into being expected to be a certain way. I know that having a job is the only way for me to survive, because to have someone else that is actually working supporting me is making me feel unworthy. So that's not an option. I have to eat. I have to have a roof over my head. All my life I have been living at the bottom of the Maslow's pyramid only thinking about how to make money just to get food on the table. My parents never made me feel safe enough so I could relax about life in general. I notice that people are telling me to relax more and have more fun, but when I worry about having enough money for that coffee or that movie-ticket I just get caught up in that instead of caring for the person I'm actually with.

Right now I'm depended on other people who don’t have my best interests at heart to financially support me under the pretense of me wanting to find a more suitable job. Even though I have health-issues that makes me unable to have certain jobs I don’t have a diagnoses or a visible disability. I’m struggling with chronic muscle-pain. But as I’m being told: I need another job. I can't tell them how I feel and I feel nervous about them judging me on how I spend my money. When I do try to speak my mind about it they tell me that I only have to hang in there and keep on going, and I feel ashamed.  When I do work I always end up hating the job and I never get paid enough or have enough free-time to pursuit living more spontaneously and free. I feel trapped either way.   Even if I should buy a tent and go off in to the woods and live of the earth I still would have a mortgage and debts.  And people would hire a search-crew to find me because they think I got mad. Or actually they wouldn't, they would just wait for me to get lonely and come back, and then they would make me feel ashamed of the reasons why I was doing it in the first place. 

 

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Hah, rings some familiar bells. I remember that Teal touched on this in one of her videos relating to money, and I found it to be quite insightful:

For example, if you could choose _ANY_ job you wanted, what would you take? If you don't have a name for it, break it down, what kind of things would you love to do? So from what I read for example, you want to have connections with people and not work so hard, of the top of my head, i'd find receptionist and secretary to be a good match.

Though, you ought to review your relationship with working in general. The universe mirrors what feelings you hold inside you, and I discovered this to be true. If you despise work and feel just sick thinking about it, then work itself will equally respond repulsive towards you. And that isn't actually some ooga booga magic, if you hate your work, but consciously still try to do everything correctly of course, you will unconsciously  either not give it your best, or build in small mistakes out of neglect, self-sabotage! Might be just small things, but they add up, and people pick up on it.

I would recommend to get into a whole new mindset: put away the "i work because I MUST, because society EXPECTS it from me" thought loop, and switch into "I work because I WANT to, and I WANT to add something to society/my region/the world etc."

All that is left then is to discover what job it is, that is a good match to you, and get it. I wish you the best success, you can do it! 😉

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Thank you :) I actually have been breaking it down and trying to get peoples advice where such a job exists, either they say I need to find a company that exists or they say I don't have enough education/experience. I'ts hard. I actually want a desk job or something like that but I feel people think I should use the education I have. I'm a nurse, and not loving it. I have been thinking about receptionist or secretary. I suffer from a lot of self doubt, and I kind of feel like anything I would end  up doing I will hate. And if people refuse to connect and only see me as an resource for what I can do for them I get mad. I have to be honest; I'ts hard for me to do hard work not knowing if it will bring me appreciation from others. I don't want to contribute because I feel forced to and that people expect it from me. I do not feel connected to society. I have noticed though that when I'm selfish for a larger amount of the day I got more to give other people later on that day or later on. I really do not have a choice about having a job or not makes me stuck in resistance even more. If someone told me I didn't have to work at all that would probably release it, but that's not gonna happen.  At the same time a want a lot of security. If I don't know if I will have enough money to get trough the next month I get stuck in depressive thoughts right away. 

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You're a nurse and you don't have enough money to last the month? Do you have kids? I'm a nurse so I don't understand the money issues but I can tell It's really hard to leave because you get that, " You can find a job anywhere" phrase, when you try to get a job outside of nursing. Maybe start where you are. I used to find that just as little as 5 minutes of meditation,  cleansing, setting intention before work was immensely helpful. Check in with your self once in awhile; are you breathing? Do you need a 1 minute timeout in the med room when your coworkers are driving you crazy? Start small to check that overwhelm.

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I do know how you feel. I have worked very hard for about 40 years. I loved what I did for 10 years but not the rest. Now, I cannot yet retire and I am finding it impossible to do the types of things I have always done to earn a good living. Partly because I am worn out but partly for some of the reasons you state. Maybe we are being prepped for something better.

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