AbsoluteWave

Who's really there for me?

12 posts in this topic

I'll just let the comments flow in to see who actually want to hear what I have to say.  who'll acknowledge me as another " real" human being.

I know you guys all got busy lives but I'm here every day rotting away.  I see nothing really stopping me from going out but there are SO many reasons why I shouldn't

It'd take away from time I could be making myself useful around the house.. I could be doing something fun online..

Even when I DO get back into dancing and singing, it soon stops, sometimes I feel very good but then everything else around m doesn't realllllllllllly respond too well.

Although i keep myself in a good mood with this stuff to keep my heavily reactive boyfriend happy as well.  he's also just as depressed as me if not more but he deals with it much better than I do with mine.

Perhaps like i've been saying often is for this re constructing to happen.  to make this place we intend on living in for a long while...  I don't even watch anime anymore without my BF around..   whereas i might have years ago... hell.. i'd collect a bunch of manga but hardly read them.. mainly only for the art.. cause it brought me some sort of closure as well as brightened up my room at the time.

As somebody with such mental ailments, i can hardly get from one room to the other without having some sort of mental or physical epiphany.

And from my past experiences; WHICH are the only thing one with this sort of disorder can rely on.  what worked and what didn't.

What yielded the desired result.  the constant event of trying to please another.  mainly because seeing pleasure in another.  specially from what I done or said does so much more for me.  I'm much more interested interested in other peoples well being than mine..  I can even become them for a bit and at least pretend i am somebody who's worth the respect of others.   the admiration, the friendship.

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@Ana.. Oh.  I am seeing it and reminding myself even.. but also getting such reminders of such things by others so it's all good.  don't worry tooooooooo much about me. I just fell into a rather immature mood.....

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@AbsoluteWave i asked you what do you want friend? So we can talk further...i see that you feel ignored...who else has ignored you in the recent past or for long time?

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6 hours ago, AbsoluteWave said:

 

What yielded the desired result.  the constant event of trying to please another.  mainly because seeing pleasure in another.  specially from what I done or said does so much more for me.  I'm much more interested interested in other peoples well being than mine..  I can even become them for a bit and at least pretend i am somebody who's worth the respect of others.   the admiration, the friendship.

I can relate to this part too. We all want to be seen for what we do and we want that feedback from others. I am glad you found your own way to see yourself as well. Of course , you're worthy of respect, admiration and friendship and anyone else too.

 

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46 minutes ago, Garnet said:

We all want to be seen for what we do and we want that feedback from others

no.

we don't all want this. some do, some don't. some want it more than others. some think they need it.

some want to be seen for what they are, not for what they do

it's often times a matter of a need to be validated by others. one does stuff that gets (or is supposed to) thanks and appreciation from peers, and that 'thank you' or 'how nice' is their validation of being good. 

thing is, if people identify with their doing rather than their being, because is easier to get loud validation there (people don't thank each other often for simply being, you know? they could, but they don't, most often), they will tend to adjust their doing based on what gets validated most. say someone would feel good thinking they are a good person, they will do stuff that is being validated as 'good person's deed'. that for them becomes proof that they are indeed a good person.

it sometimes happens tho that what gets validated most in their doing is not in alignment with their being. and that creates inner conflict, which at some point will reflect outwards too, ofc. inner conflict can sometimes feel like depression, other times numbness, other times stuckness, pressure, whatever. depends of the coping mechanism that kicks in.

looking for validation outside is already not the best place to look for it, but looking for validation from outside for doing is even more exhausting, because it keeps one in a continuous moving to be seen.

the upside of it that i often i see in people, is they become active and do lots of stuff and most of it good and nice. it doesn't make them as happy as they think it would, tho. being active becomes just like a job with no vacation.

 

 

 

 

 

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7 hours ago, Collide said:

so set a little goal. like get in the sun for 20 min every day. you don't have to go crazy D

Oh.  I already have that goal and I'm Craycray in a good way!  I embrace my weirdness.

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19 hours ago, Amit said:

@AbsoluteWave i asked you what do you want friend? So we can talk further...i see that you feel ignored...who else has ignored you in the recent past or for long time?

Hm.. It's more so being acknowledged and respected and perhaps included and so on..  Probably my family and I'm already easing into things as things improve..

Because I've already came out to my mother ALOT in many ways and also She know full well I am, not to mention that my relationship with my " friend"  BUT also he and i both know it doesn't mater about my orientation and if i can be happy with them i'd like that but even such a small aspect.. it'd maybe help her rearrange her words like when she keeps pointing oout cute girls and even telling me when one apparently likes me..  ME and her seem to have a neat relationship but i'd like her to just accept me.  well.. the JW world is falling art so maybe she'll leave the poisonous faith soon enough...You'd think such a small thing wouldn't matter but somehow it effects every small thing i do.. or maybe she just needs time.  i'm finally seeing her in a different light ever since i moved out of the house to be here for a few months ( Holland ) and also a nice B and B in the city i was going to collage, at the time.  There is a particular 2 schools i'd love to attend since they seem so authentic, transparent and seemingly every student gets that one on one time.  they are like one big family.. I'll send the links when i find them again. One of them is like " school of life"

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I guess she is fixed in her opinion/belief and doesnt want to change it on her own. She may need to have a higher perspective about sexuality and higher knowledge about orientation. You must keep in touch with her and send her relevant articles and videos about same because her validation, respect, acceptance and inclusion is crucial for you to be peaceful. When she accepts it, eventually all the people will accept. Family must stand strong behind you. Also she needs to know how the orientation is developed in earlier stage. May be its something that she didnt notice earlier or perhaps she didnt guide you well and didnt do any research. And now its a shock and difficult for her to accept. Please make a channel with her...i suggest you chat with her regularaly. And go with her and see what she is recommending. See her side also and make a connection with her. She must see you as you and dive deep into you. Her rejection of the fact is a trauma that you r living partially. You have to get over this trauma....i hope you will feel peaceful after that. Mars retrogade is over today...healing starts from now on. Take a shot

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@mufhry i agree with you and that makes perfect sense. But at the end doesn't our being always reflect on our doing? No matter what our being is. 

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