Adam

Apsirations to be a homeless deadbeat

37 posts in this topic

The world and the people in it inspire me to be a drunk, high, homeless deadbeat. 

If I were a homeless deadbeat, I could finally give myself permission to not give a shit about anyone or anything. No more disappointing myself or others, no more disappointment from others. I would finally have everything I need to intentionally waste my life until I die. Booze, drugs, and self destruction... only the self destruction would be in my control. There would be no more doing wrong things and messing up while trying pathetically to do something right, because I'd be totally fucked regardless.

 

Edited by Adam
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Adam, please keep self destruction in your control but pass the booze and drugs to us....we want to enjoy :thumbs-up-yahoo-emoticon:

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On 6/28/2016 at 6:53 AM, Ana said:

What happened then?

 

On 6/28/2016 at 7:02 AM, Amit said:

Okay...but what happened 6 months ago? Can u share?

 

In doing shadow work, we are supposed to remember the first time feeling the negative emotion, or in my case, the first time entertaining this unrealistic fantasy.

What happened doesn't matter that much. What's important is healing this part of myself that wants to let go but can't.

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Seems you dont have the answer yet. Without the answer its difficult to decide actions. Please meditate and find out. I care for your healing

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Own the pain Adam.   

Delve deep.  It's often.  Breakdown that leads to breakthrough. But you got to stay committed to your emotional health.  It's not easy.  It can be downright draining.  

Dive deep into the pain.  Trust me I've been there many times in my life.  It feels like you're so deep in the hole you never want to get out and ur in quicksand.  

Trust me u can get out with our help.   It's your emotions that hold you back.   I'm sure situations or traumas or series of events led u to a feeling hopelessness.  

Sometimes its this place where u can do the deepest shadow work & find out what it is that you want in life.  You can get it.  

 

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Maybe ur a frustrated artist   Maybe ur jaded by the world  whatever the case may be --- I'm certain there are things in life you enjoy & have a passion for   No one has a passion for misery  but we all experience it at some time or another  

the bravest thing is to be authentic & vulnerable   & ask for help if u need it   If u seek the life of a gypsy  that's ok  as long as it's your calling & it makes you complete  - whole  & ok with it but don't stay there if it's out of pity or despair 

 you really don't want To stay on a park bench for too long out of misery  

Altho it really isn't the worst thing to hit bottom and find ur soul sometimes If it's your choice   I suggest u try it   If it doesn't make u happy come back for help  

U can find the root   Which may be misery itself   

Work through it   Open up & share ur story   Inspire others 

Fwiw.  Not that I'm a huge fan of Rambo.  But as a man? Damn I respect him sometimes. Bc Sylvester Stallone was literally homeless on a park bench and he wrote rocky while he was homeless.  

Sometimes greatness comes from the deepest pits of hell.  Sucks to say it like that. No pressure.  If you wish to stay in hell. You can.   But trust me.  It is pain & hell if you're there not by choice or happy whimsy but by "settling for it" Bc u can't figure out a better option. I wouldn't want to be stuck there indefinitely. If that were the case. 

 

Listen. We'll help you if u want help @Adam

 

but im not going to say don't do this or do that!    You may just wish to do your own thing.  And there's little wrong with that.  

If u need help. U know we're around 

Edited by M_The_Raven
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On 28.06.2016 at 3:32 PM, Adam said:

The world and the people in it inspire me to be a drunk, high, homeless deadbeat. 

If I were a homeless deadbeat, I could finally give myself permission to not give a shit about anyone or anything. No more disappointing myself or others, no more disappointment from others. I would finally have everything I need to intentionally waste my life until I die. Booze, drugs, and self destruction... only the self destruction would be in my control. There would be no more doing wrong things and messing up while trying pathetically to do something right, because I'd be totally fucked regardless.

 

Hehe... Synchronicity gets creepy... I was writing gratitude list, then I finally gave in and wrote "I wish I was homeless... I'd have a reason to feel despair then." I couldn't keep the feelings inside anymore.

You want permission to not care about anything but yourself, and I want to allow myself to feel whatever I feel, out of being homeless. 

And more synchronicity: I feel like a major disappointment myself, too. What do I do in life? Nothing significant... While others are changing lives, like Teal does. I might as well be homeless to be insignificant. I have all the resources and I am... Wasting my life :|

Hopefully I was a voice to your feelings. Wow even thinking that was an attempt to be useful. Whatever...

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2 minutes ago, Elif said:

Hehe... Synchronicity gets creepy... I was writing gratitude list, then I finally gave in and wrote "I wish I was homeless... I'd have a reason to feel despair then." I couldn't keep the feelings inside anymore.

You want permission to not care about anything but yourself, and I want to allow myself to feel whatever I feel, out of being homeless. 

And more synchronicity: I feel like a major disappointment myself, too. What do I do in life? Nothing significant... While others are changing lives, like Teal does. I might as well be homeless to be insignificant. I have all the resources and I am... Wasting my life :|

Hopefully I was a voice to your feelings. Wow even thinking that was an attempt to be useful. Whatever...

I didn't think I was alone in that. Maybe I'm a little different because when I'm in that dark place I don't want to take care of myself, I don't want people telling me how to live or even heal me because I feel that it doesn't matter in the long run. I want to purposefully destruct myself because I feel like nothing works out for me anyway. It gives me a fake sense of control over my life.

I can relate to what you're saying about helping people, and for me it's also relationships. That does have something to do with this fantasy too.

I feel like I have a gift for assisting others but I feel In the end I get nothing but lumps of coal. It's like the universe refusing to be a friend of mine, like God violating a Universal Law to slap me in the face for no reason. That's when I lose hope and start connecting things that shouldn't be connected. I embellish things and act like no one cares when they actually do. 

There is a lot of work I need to do in this area.

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@Adam you owe no one anything.   No one is saying "don't do this". Or "do that instead"

you are your own man!   But it seems at the root of your issues is a sense of pressure to do something.   And u should get rid of it.  You don't have to do anything bro.  Just know if u ever want help.  We're always here.  

Listen. Henry Miller & bukowski were heros of mine. They say fuck it.  Do what u gotta do!  And I love them for it.    Do ur thing man!

no one judges u here!  You owe the world absolutely nothing!   ????

 

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