authorofdarkness

accepting a dark side developed by trauma

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I'm having trouble integrating and accepting my dark side. The reason for this is that's it's very strong, and I delved into it very deeply... In the darker days of my past I used to light candles and summon beings to speak to them, I don't mean angels either. I could give people nightmares, send harmful energy out to others. I could lay my left hand on a person and they would experience sharp pain where I touched. I used to experience possession where I would channel spirits and end up with self inflicted cuts I had no memory of. I could go into trances and speak a language that terrified my wife because she said it wasn't human.

I was raised by parents who didn't believe I should be anything other than who they thought I should be. Parents who told me my happiness wasn't important, all that mattered was doing what God wanted. When I did something wrong my punishment was to be grounded and to write a verse about honoring your father and mother 100 times. Then I was physically and emotionally abused in my teens, I was spit on, beat, choked nearly to death several times and when I would cry my partner would hit me and tell me to be a man and to stop being such a little bitch. 

I developed these abilities because I was angry and because I was determined not to be a victim anymore. I wanted control. But they became harmful to me, and so I abandoned all practice of them did a 180 and never looked back. But now I have this large part of me that I'm closed too and I'm not sure how to accept it, and would appreciate some advice. :) 

 

 

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Is there something good about these experiences that you can bring to that place? 

In diving deep you'll access the physical part of your brain where the memories and emotions are. If you can bring something to that place or maybe discover something there that feels stronger and more true, that would be what I believe the work here is aimed to accomplish. 

During those times you were seeking relief, and I think it's a beautiful thing to bring more of that to the dark part of ourselves.

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3 hours ago, authorofdarkness said:

I'm having trouble integrating and accepting my dark side. The reason for this is that's it's very strong, and I delved into it very deeply... In the darker days of my past I used to light candles and summon beings to speak to them, I don't mean angels either. I could give people nightmares, send harmful energy out to others. I could lay my left hand on a person and they would experience sharp pain where I touched. I used to experience possession where I would channel spirits and end up with self inflicted cuts I had no memory of. I could go into trances and speak a language that terrified my wife because she said it wasn't human.

I was raised by parents who didn't believe I should be anything other than who they thought I should be. Parents who told me my happiness wasn't important, all that mattered was doing what God wanted. When I did something wrong my punishment was to be grounded and to write a verse about honoring your father and mother 100 times. Then I was physically and emotionally abused in my teens, I was spit on, beat, choked nearly to death several times and when I would cry my partner would hit me and tell me to be a man and to stop being such a little bitch. 

I developed these abilities because I was angry and because I was determined not to be a victim anymore. I wanted control. But they became harmful to me, and so I abandoned all practice of them did a 180 and never looked back. But now I have this large part of me that I'm closed too and I'm not sure how to accept it, and would appreciate some advice. :) 

 

 

I don't have a dark side but I know what you mean.

When I absorb dark energies I magnify them and in order to keep myself from emulating them and rampaging I direct then transform that energy.

I used to think I was repressing a part of me by not releasing that carnage upon the unlucky soul that directed the energy at me.

I know that only a special type of person deserves to be blown up by Nitro though.

I only reflect back the darkness when its a reason that's deserving of that type of response.  

Your doing the same in your own way.

You learned all these ways to protect yourself you think are dark.  They're not dark though.

How you use them is what makes them dark.  You don't need them now so you don't use them.

Use them when its absolutely necessary for you otherwise its like having a Dragon on standby.

It doesn't have to eat people but if people attack the castle...Well then they might not make it past the drawbridge.

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@authorofdarkness , is not a dark side, is just pain wanting to be seen, known, acknowledged, accepted, set free, allowed to move on.

you could call it dark side i guess, in the sense of not in the open, hidden somewhere in the inner dungeons.

what you describe is pain being reflected/channelled (however you want to look at it) in the outer world wanting to be seen. seen and heard by you, ofc.  

look at it. 

even calling it a dark side, is like a coping mechanism to avoid seeing it for what it is. locking away a dark side for not harming others or yourself sounds better than avoiding pain, no?

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6 minutes ago, mufhry said:

@authorofdarkness , is not a dark side, is just pain wanting to be seen, known, acknowledged, accepted, set free, allowed to move on.

you could call it dark side i guess, in the sense of not in the open, hidden somewhere in the inner dungeons.

what you describe is pain being reflected/channelled (however you want to look at it) in the outer world wanting to be seen. seen and heard by you, ofc.  

look at it. 

even calling it a dark side, is like a coping mechanism to avoid seeing it for what it is. locking away a dark side for not harming others or yourself sounds better than avoiding pain, no?

totally this

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