universoul

Authentic Sharing

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Authentic Sharing

            STOP TRYING TO FORCE THINGS - July 31st, 2018
I decided to start a thread where I share my authentic thoughts and feelings periodically. 
 Today I felt good most of the day. It was rather smooth despite a few hiccups here and there with work. I felt depressed briefly when I was focused on how much I want to do and create here in the world but that is not yet mannifested. Like running up against a lead wall... I am working a job making low wages and feel a bit trapped in wondering how to generate more abundance so I can make the impact in the world, make the changes, that I desire to make and feel capable of making. yet I like my job still and am thankful that it is here so it's an improvement over what i've had in the past.
I was noticing the layers of internal fragmentation that I feel pulled to integrate. Yet so much of it I have not yet recieved clarity on so I feel a bit like my being is being pulled in half. Between the lower frequency of the traumas and suspended pain inside and the desires and heights my being is yearning to soar into. 
I walked around a local park on my lunch break eating raw sunflower seeds and listening to my feelings. The thought skated across my consciousness that if focusing on these things i want to achieve, yet don't see how to make them happen, is making me miserable with sadness that they can't be worth it. Nothing is worth straining in desperation and resistance for. It's just not worth it. This is SO TRUE for resistance.  So give it up. I am reminded of that saying "If it costs you your peace of mind it's too expensive".  I find comfort and relief in that. Not because what i desire to achieve in this embodiment is not worth going after, because it is, but because if I am doing everything I currently know to do to move towards mannifesting it and nothing appears to be working, than it is time to "give it up" and relax.  Ironically this feels like relief because it is releasing resistance and struggle. The message I got in "Let the Universe Choose Your message" feature on this website was [paraphrased] "accepting where you ARE feels simultaneously like pain and like relief. It feels like giving up after swimming against rapids for years and letting the current pull you downstream." All I know to do at this point is breathe, accept where I am, small as that may feel and find value in the simplicity of my life. And to take time to focus on and APPRECIATE all the ways I HAVE progressed and the healing that I HAVE accomplished and the expansion I have gained. Including the mannifesting of more material abundance then I had had previously. I am learning to stop forcing and to become more ALLOWING and this, this is a lesson that is seeping into me over and over again. Like a rock being washed by a current until it slowly dissolves in and flows free as minerals embraced by the water.
I have an upcoming trip to the Seattle, WA TealTribe gathering to look forwards to. In some ways I am excited and eager for it to commence. And in some ways I am nervous because it is full of new chances. Including the chance to feel disappointed. I guess my big fear here is that I will spend all this money I worked so hard for, fly across the country to camp with people I have never met, and continue to feel alone and invisible behind my "one-way glass" where i see out but no one sees in. To continue to feel "like I don't belong" and that since no one can completely agree with my perspectives that I will continue to be alone... 
this will also be nearing a 2 year anniversary of sorts of when I met a man who broke my heart. Since then i have been too scared to date because of the risk of destruction. I vowed to give myself  time to heal and to get to a point where i felt READY to try dating again. Strong enough to hand a potential shattering. I am still not quite ready to date because I don't yet feel cabapable of surviving being shattered again but I am thinking about how being back in the vibration of Washington where those memories live for me, where he lived, will perhaps offer a chance to heal even more.
3  random things that happened to me today that made me feel good:
1) I looked out the window and saw a deer eating apples off the tree and with her were 3 spotted fawns! It was a treat seeing 3 baby deer all in the same spot and so close to me.
2) I found release again for "trying too hard" and feel more at peace with being where i am. Let the lotus open because force destroys it. Allow. Allow. 
3) I saw Teal released her new blog which I have been looking forwards to reading. It validates me to see someone else moving from the heartspace and encouraging me to do the same. It felt like lightness instead of heaviness of trying to move forwards with what i know inside but the consensus is against. Instead of dealing with the caution that we encounter from so many of the people around us who live in their headspace. 
 

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Hello there, other self! :) A great deal of the lessons and experiences that you so beautifully shared have been going on in my own life, and so I thought I'd share some of my own experiences, in the hopes that they might shed some light for you as well.  For years, like you, I was always outside looking in; feeling alone and misunderstood. ..But I came to recognize that while it was true that I manifested relationships with lots of people who I did NOT mesh with for the sake of the contrast it would provide, in the end it was my own tendency to continue to assume that others wouldn't be like me or understand me (or accept my authentic self) that kept it going through the years.  The fear of that rejection tended to result in a closed-off approach, and one I refused to consciously recognize since I was self-rejecting in general as well.  It is possible that since you have some similar feelings of separatism going on, and conflicting fragments (seeing as you feel pulled in different directions), with their resistence to taking the leap to connect with others, that you are also still going off of old core beliefs and fears of rejection.  It's inspirational that you had the courage to post here, though!   What a great and healthy/beneficial step!  It's giving yourself the opportunity to have proof that you are not alone in your ways of thinking. Something I'm not sure I would have had that same courage to do back when.  In any case, I hope this helps, and that you continue to be the awesome progressive you are.  (Well, of course you will, what am I saying!)  Anyhoo, all the best to you.

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