Matei

Do you understand yourself?

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I sure dont

Didnt care when any of my grandparents died and its so weird to me to see families being close to eachother. I am close to my mother and only her, and this is pretty recent

..........

I feel cursed with anger. Like a part of me is destructive and does not care about any of the things i realized about love. Dont want to reffer to it as "part of me" because it is me.

Whenever i understand a part of me there is most times the polar opposite just as vivid. I had to slowly convince myself to come where i am now, and the whole way i just felt this incredible urge "Fuck it, go back! How can you still be so naive?!? You will only find mud and mosquitos and you know it!"

How does one make choices when you are always split extremely?

I love and i hate, both so passionately that it rips me apart

Edited by Matei

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I feel that! There's always both, it's very frustrating. In the spiritualist vernacular, being fragmented is pretty normal, don't stress it. Everyone else is there too... but that you can be aware of both is good. It's the things we aren't aware of that are the real problem: not knowing your own dark side, or denying that it exists is what tends to cause the really big issues in life! Self-awareness is very, very good, even if it sucks a bit at various points.

To answer your question: sorta. I sorta know myself, much better than I did last year, or the year before that, or the year before that too... it's an incremental process. It's never over, but that's how it is for almost everyone. Anyone can look at it as a glass-half full thing, or half empty, or however you feel. Growing means always seeing the shortcomings of yesterday. Luckily it also means being able to try to change or avoid them tomorrow.

I also didn't feel much of anything when my grandparents died. That's not uncommon... in my case, it was simply down to me not having any emotional bonds with them. One I'd never even spoken to since the age of 6, one was about as emotionally avaliable as a brick, the other... well, okay, bit different there, he was nice, but we were still never close. He was ready to go, had said his goodbyes and was cheerful and proud of his life, so I didn't really see that as a thing to be sad about, he died happy, that's all that matters really.

Point is, if someone who's not a part of your life goes through something that will mean they continue to not be part of your life forever more... to feel no big emotional impact isn't an unreasonable response. To feel upset is the socially expected response, sure... but people aren't so simple irl.

For me, decision making with the conflicted nature of the self and the world... well, that's a tough question. I suppose all I can say is: there are no hard rules. Everything is conditional and subject to invisible variables and complexities. I use fun stuff like tarot when I'm really stuck on big things, I have a few trinkets and talismans to complement the cards... mostly though, go with what seems best, try to generally be nice where you can be, try not to stick around people who feed the bad bits of yourself too much. And don't put yourself into situations you don't want to be in.

There's no hard and simple advice on this one. Choices are hard, any advice will be completely subjective. Mistakes will always be made, the trick is learning how to overcome them and avoid repeating them, rather than not making them at all.

 

Edited by Done Now
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Oh my can I relate. It feels good to relate to someone else to see I'm not the only one. Though I like my anger and rage. I always lashed out in general because I have people who cant hear another living being attracted to me so I started lashing out when people took me as ... well like I am not a human being. I am just there for their frustrations to be spilled all over me.
Though I do understand myself and other I think pretty well for now. I always wanted to know why people behave towards me as they do. I never did get much far with my that's why because emotions are a complicate and delicate "thing" so I was mostly portraying me in front of myself like a victim. Which of course led no where.

After I separated with a friend and then boyfriend I felt like I was sawed in half so it was everything easier to see. I developed a really good self reflection. As to how I feel, why I feel the way I feel, where does it come from and where does it originate. Of course I was jumping between killing myself, killing him, his entire family ... that's pretty how much far it went. It was pure blind rage. In the last 3 years as I said to you in another thread, I did overcome so much its amazing to me. And the thing pissing me off the most was the "gratitude" feeling that almost never appeared when I figured out something. So I felt fucked by people who obviously never suffered in life because the truth is when you truly understand yourself and another, you are parallelized. You still feel what you did before but now cant act because you know too much and it would be stupid. That's when anger kicks in. For me it is because I feel like I am a canvas here to abuse till we dont exist anymore. Like I have no right in expressing my feelings now that I know what I know about this person.

Pretty much regarding my ex it went that far that I started thinking he might have an antisocial personality disorder. Because I still cant understand how one minute you love another being with all your being and then you wake up one day, dump your gf/bf and move on as if nothing ever happened. I begged him in 3874493893528 ways to talk to me about "how, why, when" did he go from loving me greatly to not caring bat shit about me. Silent treatment is what I get. And I am trying to soothe my rage and thank god to drugs its helping. Because the pain is so big the only thing that would help me get better is vengeance. Since I have overcome some things I thought its not even possible to overcome, I understand things way better and it does make me a bit better because I am not lost then in a feeling or a situation with another, I really really tried almost everything.

That is why this year I decided to stop doing whatever I was doing for the last 3 years because I was close to people who are master of hiding and shaming negative, unpleasant feelings (Christians, Hare Krishna, general spiritual community). So I started turning back from things that hurt me and I did collapse at the end. Because I was struggling with being authentic. I always strove to be authentic and an unintentional mirror to others but since nobody liked that I adjusted myself to society a lot. But this years things changed since it was all too much for me. A lot of things that I started with completely different attitude failed. I remember going back to high school with a completely different attitude, so different it made the whole experience absolute fun. But thank to "God" people working at school were my mothers copy-paste (meaning I am invisible and on mute -  nobody hears me or cares for me). Of course I found out that me being changed helps me nothing. After 3 months in "high school) I was exhausted. I felt so stupid. I changed and for what? To only see through people and understand them before they opened their mouth. It is a bit easier because around people I'm not uncomfortable anymore because I see through them and its a bit boring because people are predictable its boring.

I decided to let my anger be free as it were peanut butter jelly cookie Oreo sandwich. I do not effing care, I am letting in out, it is a part of me, it is me. Anger kicks in when there is too much pain. It is like a defense system. Protecting you. Because if anger wouldn't kick in and you were covered with all that sadness and pain the chances are you wouldn't survive. Anger is pains cover emotion. It covers pain. So to say from my point of view, yes it is easier to be mad at my ex because he left me in a dark not knowing or understanding why and what happened (though I have my story and I know it might be the true version but his behavior when he left me just like that made me nuts because that's my parents behavior).

So I started letting that anger out. Since I am not so estranged with anger it wasn't difficult. But I have fear using its ABS system way to much and I dont like it. Plus I smoke and that makes me understand more and calms me down which lately I dont like because I know emotions need to be expressed but firstly accepted. Like that Oreo sandwich. I want to let way more anger in effective way until I feel like doing so.

But the thing that puts me on a rat rage is still not understanding people. Because I dont believe that a parent does not know that abusing your own child might end up in that child suicide. Parents ignorance can be incredible and for me that is a choice they make. To put themselves before their children. There are some thing that one cannot overlook. You have to consciously decide that this is too much for you and you wont deal with it. Like for instance Teals mother. I dont care where she lived, the childhood she had ... if you start seeing weird things but always choose to push them away ... it is a choice that you become before your child. I am either a genius and my IQ is off the roof or people choose to put themselves first no matter what. If its right in front of your nose, what the fuck are you doing pretending it is not there? I know that this part is keeping me in pain - anger love relationship but there is truly no other evidence to see. I know people have their patterns, I see them, I see their triggers, I get it. But at the end of the day abusing a child is a conscious choice. You cant be 33 years of age and cant be aware of your body being in a rate rage and hitting a small human being. If one blacks out and doesn't remember that then its a whole another story.

Just like with my ex. It his choice to dump me like garbage and never care for me again. I truly thought we were friends. Close. So if he does not have an antisocial personality disorder he is just doing whatever his mother taught him. But still. I am very raw in explaining people how I feel and what I desire. Meaning a 2 year old would understand me and even my therapist is surprised how well do I see inside myself. So when he keeps ignoring me even with his texts where he says nothing (like politicians do) it just makes me go nuts. This is why I am no longer in touch with him and honestly he is lucky. I started bugging him about what happened, he kept telling me nothing and then one day I just left him alone. Pretty much he won all over again. Even writing this down I can feel rage coming out because I cant understand how can one be so cold hearted.  If its not a choice then I dont know what it is.

So when it comes to a situation where I know that a person will be my mother ignorant copy-paste behavior I instantly start shaking. It make me bangs their heads to the wall because I can see the satisfaction when they fuck you over. Pretty much but I dont go there and dont even intend to. It is not effective in making me better just worse. But I know this, if I weren't smoking they would put me in a mental institution because understanding people as I said makes me feel isolated. Its like : yeah okay I get it, xy person was little their childhood was this and that which perfectly explains their behavior, this is why the other this xy person said or did whatever they did. When this thought goes through my head there is relief because there is understanding. But ... the second thing that goes through my head is: oh I was sexually, mentally, physically abused, nobody ever listened to me, I always had to do things that adults told me to do, my wishes never mattered and look at me not raping children because I was abused, oh look at me not shaming others because I know how it feels, oh look at me etc. Why can I and others cant? CHOICE

Or if I find out I am super smart than that might help.

I remember Radhanath Swami wrote in one of his books that life leads you where you want it to lead you. Or something similar. Because I never understood how come do I see people so good and how come have I excelled in my inner reflection but the fact is since I know for myself I have been asking WHY? Not as in "Why is this happening to me" but I wanted to know why people behave the way they behave. It never made sense to me. It felt like they are not really smart so stupidity kicks in. But that was never enough. I really wanted to know where all of this comes from and it did reveal to me all this years. And it still is and it will continue.

Oh my did I write so little ...

I dont know if anything helped you but bare in my anger covers pain because there is too much pain. Anger in this case is like safety valve.

I hope this "essay" helped you in any way.

Oh to add ... the last thing I would want to do when overcoming pain is being grateful for the experience. Its like I'm fucking myself in a really bad way. I didn't overcome pain and I am already forcing gratefulness on me. Na-a. No effing way. It shall come on its own. This gratefulness is some new age shit people make themselves believe in. When I see people talking about being grateful about something, 95% of the time its fake. Its just something they read on internet and now they are forcing themselves. You could see that by their nervous body postures and bubbling eyes. But it makes me laugh so I guess there is something good in people telling themselves lie.

Edited by SnuggleBug
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I understand myself that I am on the path of learning and teaching and that is my joy.

On the positive side:

I am knowledgeable, powerful, pure, loving, happy, blissful, peaceful naturally

On the negative side: 

I am ignorant because I am being led astray by someone, I am weak because someone has induced fear in me, I am impure because someone has thrown dirt in my mind, I am unloving because someone has put conditions to receive/give love, I am unhappy because someone has not satisfied my desires, I am miserable because someone has placed obstacles in my path, I am turbulent because someone was turbulent in my vicinity. 

My purpose of life is to meet ascended and more evolved people who believe in their natural qualities and receive love, joy from them. And to meet that 'someone' and remind him about his natural qualities and give love to them and have joy. 

 

 

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I have a close friend who is a social worker and has a lot of training in psychology.  She claims we can never completely understand ourselves.  All we can do is notice our own behavior and feelings.

personally I know I can drive myself nuts trying to figure out my own motivations.  Sometimes I can figure stuff out.   Sometimes I can’t.  

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It's a process. I understand myself better than when I was younger and I hope and expect to know myself better the longer I live. Understanding seems to come in waves. I feel lost and then I find my way, I wander then find a new home or back to the old but in a new way. Value the journey and the adventure of seeking self, seeking understanding, seeking enlightenment. If we figured it all out there would be nothing new to explore! Enjoy the ride.

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7 hours ago, Pastor George said:

 If we figured it all out there would be nothing new to explore! Enjoy the ride.

Haha this. I should put this somewhere on a wall or on my forehead to see it each time I look in the mirror. I want to know it all so badly when I start self-exploring it just gets exhausting. And I am starting to suspect its out of control. So if I know stuff I can control stuff. Ah ... 

So yeah, I like what you wrote. Spot on! 🤩

Edited by SnuggleBug
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