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Scot

“Going deep” - only not

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“Going deep” - only not

I truly haven’t “gone deep” with too many people in real life. I go pretty deep here on this forum. But in my early 30s, I found someone who really wanted to go deep.  And we discussed a lot of really very personal stuff.  I was very nonjudgemental but I also didn’t react emotionally to what was really personal stuff.  I have this recollection of her saying “it’s like you’re not really listening.  But then you come back with questions.”  I can admit that I wasn’t feeling an emotional impact of what she said.  And I wasn’t paying too much attention to the potential impact of what I was saying either.  So the dynamic was weird.  We were discussing really personal things but it’s like I didn’t even notice.  I think a good model could be that my animus was engaged (but not judgmental) for some things that I really should have been feeling.  

 

Okay, so my take-home lesson was to not just think about what people say but also to feel what they say.  I suspect that some of this may resonate with some of you.  But I don’t know for sure.

And I will add what I have said many times on this forum:

May everyone in the whole world be happy

May everyone in the whole world be healthy

May everyone is the world have open hearts that are filled with loving-kindness, both for themselves and for others

and may we all find true peace in our lives.

Edited by Scot
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Do you have access to those emotions within yourself? The emotion you were sensing from others, have you felt them emanating from yourself at some point in your life? Seems like the issue is relating to them/with yourself.  Can you be emotional?

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Hi Millie,

thanks for answering.  yes, I am talking about emotional intimacy and yes, I can definitely feel these emotions.  Very deeply. 

Things were the way I described them above.  Maybe people get into different modes.

i have been practicing meditation, including but not limited to the loving-kindness meditation.  I am happy to say that my heart is open.

Edited by Scot

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I feel that, Scot. For sure, I'm there with you on this one. There's not much of a simple answer in me though, because in that regard we're on similar pages. How could I solve a problem if I'm in it, too? But ohwell. If the only people who could comment on things were people who'd solved it, nobody could speak on anything.

What Millie said sounds basically right: biggest hurdle is feeling those things as expressed by another person, as they're expressing them. Second step is expressing them back, reciprocating and validating the feeling. I'm allright at that in person, definately not on the internet. Can I ask, what was the context in your example, in person, or internet? Very different skillsets in each.

Your example in mind, I would like to say: while you might have failed to connect to that person at that time, failing to feel the feelings right there and then isn't all bad. A great many of my friends come from very judgement-filled backgrounds and from around people who feel a strong need to 'step in' and try to fix/help and/or offer their viewpoints whenever 'disagreeable' sentiments are expressed around them. Something I'm very guilty of in an internet context... but not something I do so much in person. It's often unstated how valuable non-judgemental presence is to some people. Keyword being some. So it might not have been great for that person, then and there, but don't take the idea from it that it's always bad. The best spanner in the world is useless, if the problem is a screw. Doesn't mean it's not the best spanner ever.

Edited by Done Now

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It was in the past.  I might explain it that my analytical side was running wild and my emotional side wasn’t engaged.  

No worries now though.  My softer side is engaged now too.

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