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Choosing your partner

I'm not really sure what my question is and I'm not really sure what I hope someone could say to make me feel better.

About one year ago I posted on this same topic, I have progressed maybe a little. However, I have my regrets that I am trying to move past. The scenario is, I had two loves that I had to choose between (long story). I had the romantic option and the deep serious option. In the end, I said goodbye to the romantic option. There are many many days that I have regrets about it, and I ask myself "why couldn't I have enjoyed myself, let go, enjoy a romance" that would have lasted perhaps a decade or maybe two. I never saw myself growing old with him and so I tried to make the "responsible" decision to leave him. I am mad at myself for not allowing myself to enjoy him.

Now I am with the serious one, the deep one. I care for him and he tries to be good to me. But sometimes I wonder if we are truly as compatible as I thought. We don't live together but have in the past and his messiness annoyed me and to be honest I think he is lazy, this annoys me too. We do have a special connection.  I'm just not sure we will work out, yet strangely I always saw myself growing old with him.


It is a conflict of living in the now. Ironically, I chose the person I envisioned in my future, and now here I am trying to live in the now...and questioning my choices. 


I just don't know. And I am exhausted form it all. Just looking for your observations on this, no specific question. 

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I think your current partner is a projection of your father, and whatever your father didn't satisfy in you, OR, exactly how/what your father was. Also, looking in the future is a tricky thing, not very stable, as authenticity is really in the moment, not projecting too much in the future and thinking about it a lot. However if images were naurally popping of you together old, then it is maybe also someone you've been with previous lives and should remain with. Or, the contrary. 

So, if you want to be/stay with your current partner, you have to see the positive intention behind the "laziness", what he is, who he is, why he is that way, the positive reason behind his laziness, or behaviour in general, in certain conditions. 

That's what I would say

Good luck, i sympathize and empathize with you 

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Interesting thought about my father. To be honest, there is something about him that feels fatherly. My father passed when I was 2 years old. 

I wish there were a way to make me stop ruminating about my choices. I think it will just take time for me. I am still letting go of the past love. And I feel so regretful not just to have lost him but to have hurt him so much.

Sometimes I look forward to being an old woman so that all of this is water under the bridge. It has been so painful (this trauma has been ongoing since 2014). 


Thank you, Mai-da, for offering me a positive or at least somewhat accepting perspective. I feel like I just need encouragement. 

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