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I have been staying in all day in this room which seems alien. I've felt this way before when I was sent away to a boarding school which was far away on a hill overlooking the city I used to live in. I've been engaging in Teal Swan's content virtually all the time if I'm not elsewhere, or even if I am, when I am, I just let the universe choose my message over and over and over again cause it doesn't satisfy me for some reason, and this restlessness is something I fail to notice or persist with it until I realize how many times I've refreshed the page. I arrived here in Sydney on the 9th of December, full of anticipation of feeling like now, finally I might have a chance to find my people, to feel like I might find a romantic partner despite my contradictory beliefs (like how could someone possibly like someone like me), shop online and mostly, to be able to finally meet/see/get a chance to interact with Teal. And now I find out that she is coming to Sydney right after my birthday, which is some days before her's. What I was inordinately (I can't emphasize how much) looking forward to was to be able to attend her workshop, and find people or maybe get a chance to talk to her, even if it's just for ten minutes, which would be enough, and then get a chance to connect with other people. I feel like nobody understands me (more like nobody would actually suggest something I would want to do which I might l have to do in order to live a life I want to live, but her). And I feel like she might.  I'm just being authentic. I might be projecting or whatever you want to call it but seeing how other people go upstage and pour their feelings out and get resolution makes me feel hopeful (to some degree, in case I don't get picked). SO, after realizing that the workshop in Sydney isn't going to be a synchronization workshop, for which the minimum price is $85-ish( which I wouldn't have gotten but now that I think about it would be better than not being able to attend at all) but instead a FIFTH ELEMENT WORKSHOP for which the minimum price is $600 or something, I felt a familiar feeling which I can't describe, but I started to fantasize things (not in anyway harmful to me or others). Now I have $19 in my bank account but I will be getting money today which I'll need for paying rent and all that. A synchronization workshop will be held in Melbourne and I have fantasized about being teleported somehow, a ufo taking me there, a stranger inviting me, I can't even list them, can't remember them all(I'm a little crazy).  I am running out of money, don't have a job, am picky about jobs, don't want to work at McDonald's or somewhere like that, haven't gotten a job where I thought I could manage to work enough to save, did a cleaning job for a week which is how long it took me to realize that my shoulders were hurting and had to feel the pain of ignoring it for the whole week for a whole day. I have asked my mom for money, she said "don't worry" but what she doesn't know is I don't care about eating as much as about other things. And I sure as hell can't ask them for money to attend a workshop. They'll get mad. If (I'm aware this might sound insane) it were certain that I would get enough money to buy the ticket, I would not eat anything for a whole week except for water. And I don't even know the skill of breatharianism, I would do it without thinking twice, that's how desperate I've become. CAUSE I DON'T SEE HOW I COULD POSSIBLY ATTRACT MONEY INTO MY LIFE. Don't get me wrong, I like to spend money. In fact, when I earned money from the cleaning job ($550), I bought some stuff without thinking twice and everyone who's aware of it, of the price of the stuff I bought (in case you're wondering what it is, it's a crystal elixir water bottle from glaccebottles.com which costs US$80 for one bottle, and I got three) thinks I'm crazy for spending money like that. Of course, they don't understand. I feel pathetic every once in a while. As a matter of fact, I don't even take the law of attraction too seriously. It feels like an effort to visualize sometimes. Like it's not going to get me anywhere cause I can't feel the feeling signature, LIKE I WOULD FEEL THE SAME IF I HAD SOME MILLION DOLLARS RIGHT NOW, but I also know I wouldn't truthfully. I know I'm very impatient. And I can't help but think that I will have to return back to my humdrum life in Kathmandu, without meeting her and finding people to connect with (I'm aware a part of me is in resistance to it) and so on and so forth. So how do you attract money? Am I missing something? Am I being dramatic? I want to shed some tears but I can't cause I can only conceptualize of me crying. I want to cry but I just sit here, in this room wondering what step I could possibly take in this moment to raise my vibration enough. I feel like i'm being difficult on purpose, but I'm just being authentic (to the degree that I know myself). At this point, (again fantasizing), the only thing that would faze me if I somehow miraculously won the lottery (I bought two tickets the day before yesterday and didn't win duh) or if an angel or something appeared right in front of me here. Or if money somehow came to me. Who am I kidding?

Edited by Samasta
it is glaccebottles not glaccelifestyle which is what it was before. And no i have $17 I had $2 and i also added more tags to this post

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I kind of want to call you out on this, well mainly because I can relate. 

You: I am not satisfied, restless, I hope for my needs and wants to be met (workshop, romantic partner), how could someone possibly like me, nobody understands me, I am crazy, I would harm myself because the desperation is so strong (food), I am authentic, I am being pathetic, dramatic and so on.

You fantasize about ufos, teleporting, winning lotery, angels or in other words universe having mercy and saving you. Your suffering is real but  I think you have a mentality that if I suffer  enough, universe will have mercy  for me  and then I will get what I want. Just like kids try to do that to their parents. The only difference is that parents can be conviced.

I went through this cycle over and over again and at the end of it the answer to the question, who I am kidding, was - only myself. At the time I used spiritual concepts to fuel denial and reckless behaviours. I  said to myself I want connection but in reality I was pushing against desperation. My actions would never reflect this desire and I would justify it by saying that nobody understands me, I have no value, I am depressed and so on.  I tried to think my way out of situations and conceptualize my feelings for a long time only to realize that true awareness does not arise from thinking and analyzing and that only true awareness transforms our energy and lifes. 

I really hope you find your way. And all the best.



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