Samasta

Something i want out here

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Something i want out here

Hey everyone. do you feel like you belong? do you feel a connection in this community? i want to feel belonging and connection but i'm uncertain if i can get it. i feel like i am such a mess. do you have people who you feel like you can trust and will not leave you no matter what? even if you're crazy or something? what are some issues you are going through right now? how are you dealing with them? how do you spend your days? Is it easy for you to be present with yourself? Do you think you have come far from where you first started or do you feel something else? do you sometimes feel like you're the only one and feel desperately alone? 

i want connection and belonging but i am in resistance to those two needs cause parts of me feel like i can't get them or something. Actually i don't even know...I hate to say i don't know all the time and i think it could be a coping mechanism but fuckkkkkkkkk i hate how i feel like i make no sense sometimes. I don't understand a lot of things. I want to feel safe that's something i want for sure but...i don't like to speak a lot or express my self cause i feel like it gets me nowhere. always ends up in the same goddamn thing like it goes round and round. I'll stop

Edited by Samasta
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@Samasta what have you tried in order to solve this issue you have?

To answer you questions:
 

  • Yes I feel like I belong in a sense, but I feel that people here are quite different, and we despite our differences help each other develop ourselves.
  • Yes I have people I can trust, but as I've mentioned before, I most often trust in myself to find the answers to my quesitons. However, I do seek inspiration from others from time to time.
  • Hmm, if they think I'm crazy, then I won't go to them for help or inspiration in the first place, cause they clearly can't see my issues from my perspective.
  • My current concern is aligning myself, so that I may find my soulmate and happiness. 
  • I sort of meditate on the issues. I ask myself what I'm feeling, looking for issues, when I find them, I ask myself what they are, why they are and how I can solve them. It's working really well so far - just don't punish yourself for not being perfect, accept yourself and deal with one issue at a time, to the extent you feel comfortable with (that is an important rule, I try to follow).
  • My days are quite varied, as I try to stay mindful and address issues and obstacles as they come. I do have some routines though, but I won't go into details with those here.
  • No, it's not easy being present with myself, but I keep on practicing it, and I don't punish myself for failing at it repeatedly. I witness my progess and is thankful for that.
  • I feel I've come quite far in my self-development yes, and I feel I have a long way yet, but my concern are the issues I'm facing right now, not the issues of past or future.
  • No, I don't think I ever feel truly alone, although I live by myself, and I work on my master thesis alone. At work I'm usually alone as well. 

 

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On 2/10/2018 at 5:13 AM, Samasta said:

Something i want out there

Hey everyone. do you feel like you belong? do you feel a connection in this community? i want to feel belonging and connection but i'm uncertain if i can get it. i feel like i am such a mess. do you have people who you feel like you can trust and will not leave you no matter what? even if you're crazy or something? what are some issues you are going through right now? how are you dealing with them? how do you spend your days? Is it easy for you to be present with yourself? Do you think you have come far from where you first started or do you feel something else? do you sometimes feel like you're the only one and feel desperately alone? 

i want connection and belonging but i am in resistance to those two needs cause parts of me feel like i can't get them or something. Actually i don't even know...I hate to say i don't know all the time and i think it could be a coping mechanism but fuckkkkkkkkk i hate how i feel like i make no sense sometimes. I don't understand a lot of things. I want to feel safe that's something i want for sure but...i don't like to speak a lot or express my self cause i feel like it gets me nowhere. always ends up in the same goddamn thing like it goes round and round. I'll stop


Feelings don't need to make logical sense. Just express them.

No. Never. I think everyone will hate the real me in the end. I feel you. Thank you for putting this into words.

Do you love yourself? :) Some parts of me I love, some parts of me I don't. And so often some parts of me people love, some parts of me people don't, because I feel that back. If they don't love me, do I really want to 'belong' to something. I stop and I stutter and I doubt myself and I hesitate or pull back. Not belonging gives me strength, security, disasscoation protects as well as harms.

But there is something deeper when I type this. Why do I need to belong to anything. I hate that word now I type it. I can be a part of something sure, I am all the time, like here in this thread. But belonging it feels like I am giving myself to that the thing, and that scares me because I don't trust people. They hide themselves behind many masks, just as I did and sometimes do. So I don't feel that connection to them. 

How do I deal with this. I have one single friend in the entire world who has the capacity to hold and return who I am. The anger, the childish fun, the constant fearful insecurity, the part of me wanting to help people, etc etc. Without wanting to run off, or harboring resentment. One friend. Nobody else can. Not yet. And that includes the fear inside of me, the fear of connection to another, that I experience returned. Its mirrored and yet she is still my friend. So that's helped. A lot. I'll meet other people that can because that is inside of me now, the knowledge they exist and the capacity for me to be with my mirrored self. Where before I had the opposite. Before I had the fake self being reflected back, people holding their tongue or not saying what they really felt, because that's what I used to do.

It's a step up that you want these things, do you see that? It puts you in the direction at least, and the fact you can see/feel the resistance in yourself is a huge thing. That way you and your being can do something about it. 

I wish I could tell you it was as easy as just thinking, I belong because X but then we have all these Y reasons we don't belong :), and all this experience telling us otherwise. Then we have other people, and in a healthy relationship it is a 50/50 arrangement to belong anywhere. If there are more people, it is easier. With more people however the group takes on some of the qualities of those people, and quite often I don't want to be around those qualities. 

I am calling them qualities as in the right place and time they would be. 

All the best.

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Personally, i feel like throughout most of my life I really haven’t fit in.  I turn 50 this year.  

Did anyone read the book “Hunchback of Norte Dame”.  Or see the Disney movie?

We all feel like Quasimodo.  Every last one of us.  And if you don’t think that you are Quasimodo then  I think that you are just forgetting and in denial about those times when you weren’t comfortable with yourself.  I do not believe anyone feels comfortable in his or her own skin 100% of the time. 

Some people look for their own tribe.  They divide up the world into “like me” and “not like me”.   But I beleive that if we actually took the time to meet each other and share our trials and tribulations we would find out that we are not actually all that different. 

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