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childhood memory repeatedly coming up, not sure what to do

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childhood memory repeatedly coming up, not sure what to do

Over the past few days, or weeks, (what is time?) a specific memory has been coming up and I never know what to do with it. I'll just write it down.

All of this happened when I was eight.

I was taken to the hospital and had my blood taken. That was the first time I had seen my own blood other than when getting hurt. I don't remember if anyone had told me what I was there for, but I wouldn't be surprised if no one had said a thing. It was painful and scary, and afterwards I asked my mom why I had my blood taken. She said, "Because we don't understand you." I asked her what she meant, and she gave me an example of me humming in reply to my parents while eating dinner. I didn't understand why humming was a bad way of replying, she hummed her yes' and no's all the time on the phone. I didn't understand why she couldn't just ask me if she didn't understand me. I didn't understand why any of that meant I needed to have my blood taken. It was painful, scary, confusing, and no one would give me any real answers.

Then, I was sent to therapy several times. Except I didn't know it was therapy at the time, I doubt I even knew what therapy was. There was a lady, I'd talk to her at the start when I saw her, then she'd pick some toys and decide on a game to play. I remember having to play with dolls that had to be my family and it was so boring. And after we were done playing, we'd go downstairs where my dad was waiting. I'd be sat in a chair while he and the lady talked at the other end of the room. There were many computers. I don't know how many hours in total I stared at those thick monitors, watching a few lines change shape and color over and over until long after I knew the pattern by heart.

I remember sitting in class, and suddenly someone came in to tell me I had to go with my dad. I was confused, I didn't know why. All my classmates looked at me with questions in their eyes but I couldn't answer, because I didn't know what was going on myself. It turned out I had a therapy session during school hours. I still didn't know it was therapy or why the hell I had to go there. It was a friday. I was supposed to go to the school library and bring some books back with my class. I didn't know I wouldn't be in class anymore, and in my confusion I didn't think of giving my books to someone else. I got a fine for not bringing them in.

It was a lot of scary, confusing stuff. Any moment I could get dragged off to god knows where without any explanation. I was taken away from my friends, and even though I wanted to, I could never tell them anything because I knew nothing myself. And the people I thought I could trust, my parents, suddenly showed that I wasn't worth an explanation. I didn't get to know anything about my own life.

This isn't just one memory, these are a lot of memories. I don't know where to start or what to do, but it keeps coming up so it's clear I need to do something with it. But I guess at least it explains why I'm silently panicking each time I need to get my blood taken.

Any advice?

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There was a time when some of my childhood memories that i would prefer to forget were coming back to me.  

I have come to believe that a person’s subconscious mind will bring up memories when it thinks there is something there that could be resolved, or needs to be resolved.   Sometimes people take ayahuasca and it has the effect of uncovering a major amount of unresolved problems in your subconscious.  (Apparently it is not for the faint of heart.)

What you resist persists.  So when you have time, take the time to figure out what your memories are trying to tell you.  

Is there something in your life now that you feel like you don’t understand?  A lot of what you wrote about was that you really didn’t know that it was therapy, and people weren’t explaining why it was going on.  Do you now have something where people aren’t telling you what is really going on?

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The only thing that I can think of relating to wanting to understand more, is that there's a friend who I'd like to get to know better. She's a bit shy.

Other than that, wanting to get to know myself more? Which I'm doing anyway so I don't really get how that would come into play.

I think it might be more a matter of other people deciding on my life for me without consulting me, which has happened a lot. Mainly just my mom thinking I need to get fixed because there's something wrong with me, as I understand her motivations now. She's a bit of a control freak. Especially when my life is involved. But from what she's told about her own childhood, I think she just wants control in order to feel safe.

But that still doesn't tell me what to do with this memory. Why did this life come without an instructions manual?

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If you think it has to do with other people deciding your life for you then that is probably the answer.  

And then what to do with that information is, if and when it seems to happen again recognize it and make your own decision(s). (Change your current and future behavior)

On the other hand, if you seem to feel shameful about what happened in the past, you could use Teal’s Completion Process to have the adult you go back and console the confused and scared child that still exists inside you. (Give your inner child the love and support it needed and wanted at the time)

Edited by Scot
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