Ryuraven

Fear of reaction to change after CP keeping me from doing CP

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Fear of reaction to change after CP keeping me from doing CP

I've had trouble sinking into the emotions. Either I get distracted, or the emotion fades away completely the very moment I try to reach out to it.

I've decided to write down different emotions and how I think/feel I'd naturally express them. And then I realized that most of them have never been okay. And even though I've tried to move out many times, in different ways, I always end up back with my parents. So I'm basically still in the situation that caused me to shut out so many emotions. And I'm out of ideas as far as moving out goes, I think that as I am right now, I'm simply not a match to being able to move out.

As for the completion process, I would be perfectly fine going in without wanting to change anything. The problem is, from what I've read/seen, most people do end up changing in some way because of it. And even if that doesn't happen to me, if I sink into an emotion, I might not be able to block it out again, like I'm still doing. And if I can't block it out, chances are I'll be met with the exact same reaction/punishment that caused me to block it out in the first place.

So basically, I can't get into the completion process out of fear of how I'll be treated afterwards. Even if I have a week to myself in the safest possible place, so long as I have to live with a relative, I won't feel safe enough to do this.

But I want to be able to feel. I want to know myself more. That's what I want out of the completion process.

Does anyone have advice on how to handle this?

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If your vibration changes with the work, changes will come naturally. You will be for example given opportunity to move out by something someone outside of you, or all sorts of different kind of clues and directions will be given and presented to you.. You have another option, which is to observe yourself and learn through the others around you. If your parents are your match now, if whatever is a match, what side of you does that situation reflect? Who are you beside them? Who are they, what side of you do they reflect?

Also, like, work on the current emotions. Fear of leaving, blockage, fear of changing, belief you are stuck, all that maybe, you know.. . 

Don't try to reach an emotion, let it reach you, what i would say. And if you don't feel safe doing it now, don't do it, learn otherwise, through the current emotions and surroundings for example... 

Edited by Mai-da

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Take your time, feel your way along, be kind to yourself and take your time. It's your life and your time to spend how you want. When the pain of being where you are is greater than the fear of change then change will come. Be Blessed, be a blessing, enjoy the ride, this is your life. Peace!

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On 1/17/2018 at 12:33 PM, Pastor George said:

Take your time, feel your way along, be kind to yourself and take your time. It's your life and your time to spend how you want. When the pain of being where you are is greater than the fear of change then change will come. Be Blessed, be a blessing, enjoy the ride, this is your life. Peace!

The pain of being where I am became too great last year. I felt like I only had two options, to kill myself or to pack my things and leave. So I left in the middle of the night. I knew where to go, had the best few weeks of my life, despite not having a set roof over my head. I had contacted all the people who could help me get a place, money was not an issue.  But then they suggested a service to me, I went, they called my mom and the end.  No one listened to me, got sent to a hospital and then back to my parents. Tried to kill myself. I don't think the pain of where I am can hurt more than this. And I have no ideas left.

On 1/17/2018 at 7:33 AM, Mai-da said:

If your vibration changes with the work, changes will come naturally. You will be for example given opportunity to move out by something someone outside of you, or all sorts of different kind of clues and directions will be given and presented to you.. You have another option, which is to observe yourself and learn through the others around you. If your parents are your match now, if whatever is a match, what side of you does that situation reflect? Who are you beside them? Who are they, what side of you do they reflect?

Also, like, work on the current emotions. Fear of leaving, blockage, fear of changing, belief you are stuck, all that maybe, you know.. . 

Don't try to reach an emotion, let it reach you, what i would say. And if you don't feel safe doing it now, don't do it, learn otherwise, through the current emotions and surroundings for example... 

Powerlessness is the main issue with my mom. She's overly controlling. I even told her but of course that doesn't change a thing. She tells me what to do, when to do, how to do. She has offered to help me move out, but I don't want to be dependent on her.  And if I rely on some other family member she'd still find her way in.  I want control over my own life but so long as she can find me I'll never have that.

I've known for a long time that that's the problem.  

And no matter how many stories I read from people who have followed Teal's advice,  none of the people who make significant improvements still have to live with their parents.  I've been working with her teachings for over 4 years and even though I've had some insights, insights don't get me anywhere. 

I don't even know if I still want to keep on trying, but since killing myself didn't work out, clearly the universe isn't giving me a choice. 

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16 minutes ago, Ryuraven said:

 

Powerlessness is the main issue with my mom. She's overly controlling. I even told her but of course that doesn't change a thing. She tells me what to do, when to do, how to do. She has offered to help me move out, but I don't want to be dependent on her.  And if I rely on some other family member she'd still find her way in.  I want control over my own life but so long as she can find me I'll never have that.

I've known for a long time that that's the problem.  

And no matter how many stories I read from people who have followed Teal's advice,  none of the people who make significant improvements still have to live with their parents.  I've been working with her teachings for over 4 years and even though I've had some insights, insights don't get me anywhere. 

I don't even know if I still want to keep on trying, but since killing myself didn't work out, clearly the universe isn't giving me a choice. 

Ok... Ryuarven, i can relate to this a lot, ok dude, dont talk about killing yourself damn it, or do, whatever, in the end, it might liberate you :))

Listen, i tell you here, the only way to understand yourself more and see where this state and position of your is coming from, talk to the aspect of you that actually LIKES your mother, feels ok beside her controlling behavior, maybe even likes that, because whenever you are a match to a behavior like that from your mother, it is your inner aspect that needs that kind of mother, and your mother does it, she maybe even senses that aspect in you. As long as you resist, it will persist, right, you understand this? Embrace your mother, i mean abstractly, in your self, embrace the way she is, if you would try to understand it, what do you think, why is she the way she is? What made her that way? Try to empathize with her state, even try seeing yourself as her, as if she were you, as if you were her for a moment, how does it feel? how do you feel then? in that state of mind, who are you? why are you the way you are? do you love your son (you), or? how do you love him? you can practice this this way too

I live alone btw, but i still accept money from my mother. I had almost SAME issues like you do, but i let her help if she wants, she feels certain way i let her do it. Trust me, receiving money from people we dont really like, is not like being around them or living with them, so it IS a good step forward. It WILL however give you space to reflect on what would the next step be, and etc etc... 

I must say it IS true we can not evolve around parents, ESPECIALLY not the ones that fucking harmed/damaged us, but there is also a reason you are still beside her, there are also many worse cases baby, but do not despair, try communicating the aspect within you that actually resists moving away for example. I feel you are so identified with the aspect of you that knows what it wants, or the protector self maybe, that you omit the other opposite aspect of that. Try communicating all of you. Once you learn to parent yourself better, you will instantly be a match to other exterior circumstances. 

Edited by Mai-da
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@Ryuraven  ... I just read your response to George... Do the same thing again if needed, just dont go identifying yourself too much with the liberated happy you ok, there are always ultra vulnerable and scared part within us, feel them too... Because if you identify too much with the "powerful" you, you will get fucked up like previous time... Just gather yourself and do the same if needed, but feeling the fear and acting with it, will allow you to also sense people and know whom to trust, therefore, who will betray you call your mother or i dont know what... And there must have been a reason, what i am telling you, you are not considering the aspect within you that actually maybe wants the attention from the mother, or wants the roof, wants the warmth, needs all that... If you are aware of that aspect, you can move forward, Otherwise, you will always end up same place as before. 

Edited by Mai-da
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On 1/19/2018 at 3:00 PM, Mai-da said:

Please write how you feel and what you (been) doing. We are here 

Sorry for the wait, I don't check here everyday.

After my previous reply, I took some time and was able to figure out the reason I ended up back here. I really don't have anything in me left that wants her in my life. The issue was that the part of me that's desperate for a deep connection was convinced I'd just be alone when living on my own. Never getting friends, just acquaintances. No guarantee anyone will stay with me for as much as a year. And my family is willing to stay with me even if they don't like me.

I watched Teal's video on control. I can understand why my mother acts the way she does. I can understand why she choose to stay with her husband when they were having trouble. Her mother is just as controlling as her (we both have cut contact with said grandmother because of it), and she has basically turned to controlling the home environment as a way to feel in control of her life. 

Anyways, I'm trying to let go of the need to control my life. Following Teal's advice.

And after some more soul-searching, I came to realize that moving out and living on my own, or traveling are things I used to want. And what I really want right now is to get married. Like, right now right now. At the latest tomorrow. lol

Not sure how to make that happen. But I'm realizing more and more that there isn't just one part of me that wants things and I'm trying to look at things from all sides. So I think I'll be better now, even if I have no clue what's next for me.

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5 hours ago, Ryuraven said:

No guarantee anyone will stay with me for as much as a year.

There's no guarantee, EVER. But its guaranteed you'll have yourself all your life. So, to have oneself, is the most precious thing, because we can rely just on ourselves, that's why we're doing this, doing this work, because to have oneself, is for sure, people  come and go, some will stay, the real ones for you will stay, but for people to stay, we need to know ourselves, how do you expect someone to stay, if you are yourself evolving? figuring yourself out? You understand me? I know it's difficult. I would like to also have someone there for me for sure, all my life, but, my soul knows it needs evolution, expansion, not comfort, if the person next to me isnt committed to that, do i need it? Changes are inevitable, people evolve, you can have someone beside you all your life, but it needs to be work in progress in a way. Otherwise, there will be big amount of good byes. And there is a fucking proper way to "separate", that humanity isn't aware of yet, which is, WE NEVER SEPARATE. And grieving is mutual, in togetherness, what I learned from Teal, and it helps immensely. 

I wish it was that easy to just want something and get it right away. Is it really important to get married, or to be loved and give love? What is it that we're looking for? Safety? Security? Certainty? Predictability? No such life, in true sense. Unfortunately, for my mind, and yours  

Edited by Mai-da

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