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Childhood wounds

So I bravely dived into my past emotional wounds my mother gave me. I was thinking about doing the awareness exercise and a sudden thought asked how it felt if I called my mom bad names. I felt it in my body and it felt terrible. Then I recalled the things I admired about her and that felt good. After that I placed myself in the position of being called a bitch. Thinking if I thought of my mom that way I may have a bit of me either afraid to be a bitch or feels I am one. I felt alone. Like no one wanted to understand me I was just the crazy one. Felt like my mom thought I was a bitch. Like she made up her mind about me and nothing I said mattered anymore. I remembered how she turned my expressed emotional as a way to attack me with assumptions she believed to be true. She wanted to turn my whole family on me. I remembered how she admired my cousins for displaying the kind of daughter she wanted. And it hurt so bad. I feel like I don't have a mom. I don't have one because she hated me for being me instead of a smaller version of her. I didn't want to dress like her. I didn't want the type of guy she wanted for me. I wasn't skinny enough. I wasn't pretty enough. My skin tone was disappoint. I was just a daughter that was only good for cleaning my brother's mess. I used to love singing until she said I wasn't good enough. I loved going out on new adventures seeing the world until she convinced my brothers it wasn't worth dealing with her yelling when I was gone. So I started staying home too often. I didn't look for anything new to do. I was too busy making sure I wasn't the reason mom was yelling again. #fuck now I see why I cleaned so much. Not to make her happy but to prevent her yelling. Even if it was my brother's mess. I see why core commitment is staying safe.All because I was afraid of my mother..... Sorry for the lengthy text but I hit a major break through. Right now I just want to feel like I'm not alone. 

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You are not alone. You are never alone. You are surrounded by a cloud of spiritual beings, saints, souls, spirits, who love you and feel you and want to share your pains and pleasures. You have us here and others all over the world who share pain and pleasure too. I lost my Mom a few years ago. She could reduce me to feeling like a 2 year old, naughty, inadequate, unacceptable, deplorable, despicable just by saying my name with a tone of disapproval. I grew older and earned her respect finding my way in the world. I gained he admiration finding my way in the spiritual world. I have her portrait and her mother's my grandmother's picture on the wall in my house. They too are always with me. Times will change for you. Relationships will change or not. You will change. Be gentle with yourself, be yourself, love yourself, find your own way, because it is your own way not hers, not anyone else's, yours. I'm here, others are here, we love you! Love yourself, you are not alone.

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On 1/17/2018 at 3:48 AM, Pastor George said:

You are not alone. You are never alone. You are surrounded by a cloud of spiritual beings, saints, souls, spirits, who love you and feel you and want to share your pains and pleasures. You have us here and others all over the world who share pain and pleasure too. I lost my Mom a few years ago. She could reduce me to feeling like a 2 year old, naughty, inadequate, unacceptable, deplorable, despicable just by saying my name with a tone of disapproval. I grew older and earned her respect finding my way in the world. I gained he admiration finding my way in the spiritual world. I have her portrait and her mother's my grandmother's picture on the wall in my house. They too are always with me. Times will change for you. Relationships will change or not. You will change. Be gentle with yourself, be yourself, love yourself, find your own way, because it is your own way not hers, not anyone else's, yours. I'm here, others are here, we love you! Love yourself, you are not alone.

Thank you for that. I am definitely in the middle of a lot of change as you can see can be very painful. Thank you for reminding me I'm not alone. Not even if I want to be. I truly appreciated your kind words during this dark time. I'll try to keep your words in mind while I go through this change in my life. Thank you my friend. Sending my love back to you.

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