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Dive straight into the hurt your parents did

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Dive straight into the hurt your parents did

So I bravely dived into my past emotional wounds my mother gave me. I was thinking about doing the awareness exercise and a sudden thought asked how it felt if I called my mom bad names. I felt it in my body and it felt terrible. Then I recalled the things I admired about her and that felt good. After that I placed myself in the position of being called a bitch. Thinking if I thought of my mom that way I may have a bit of me either afraid to be a bitch or feels I am one. I felt alone. Like no one wanted to understand me I was just the crazy one. Felt like my mom thought I was a bitch. Like she made up her mind about me and nothing I said mattered anymore. I remembered how she turned my expressed emotional as a way to attack me with assumptions she believed to be true. She wanted to turn my whole family on me. I remembered how she admired my cousins for displaying the kind of daughter she wanted. And it hurt so bad. I feel like I don't have a mom. I don't have one because she hated me for being me instead of a smaller version of her. I didn't want to dress like her. I didn't want the type of guy she wanted for me. I wasn't skinny enough. I wasn't pretty enough. My skin tone was disappoint. I was just a daughter that was only good for cleaning my brother's mess. I used to love singing until she said I wasn't good enough. I loved going out on new adventures seeing the world until she convinced my brothers it wasn't worth dealing with her yelling when I was gone. So I started staying home too often. I didn't look for anything new to do. I was too busy making sure I wasn't the reason mom was yelling again. #fuck now I see why I cleaned so much. Not to make her happy but to prevent her yelling. Even if it was my brother's mess. I see why core commitment is staying safe.All because I was afraid of my mother..... Sorry for the lengthy text but I hit a major break through. Right now I just want to feel like I'm not alone. 

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