Guest Aysha

Child molestation

7 posts in this topic

Guest Aysha

How can I ever feel normal again ,when I can't even remember how does it feel like to be normal ?

  • Upvote 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Are you the molested or the molester?

Either way, forgive yourself and remember innocence.  Remember that feeling or try to replicate it with similar and more familiar thoughts and feelings.

The child in you is hurt to have been put in this weird sexual circumstance but let them know its gonna be okay! that you know that child is still with you and you can visit that child at any time.  you have not lost your innocence or inner kid.  and you certainly arent damaged goods.

  • Upvote 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I feel the same. I was SO little when it started and it went on till my preteen years. I have NO Clue where to start reintegrating the Self. Not to mention the gaps in memory I am sure I blocked in order to survive it. I know I need to do Shadow Work to Heal, but the thought of going deeper is daunting. I know that the patterns I am aware of in my life are all connected to that experience. 

  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I understand all of you we are connected in life. I was molested and physically, mentally, and emotionally abused as well from about the age of about 10 yrs old until I was almost 18. I come from a family of 11 children yes I felt guilty and a shamed for being repeatedly sexually assaulted for so long. I thought if it was only happening to me that I could protect my siblings and they would be safe but recently I found out I failed my siblings because it happened to 2 of my sisters after I finally got away from my father. He can't hurt anyone else any more. He has left this dimension. Stay strong the pain will ease up for you but it will always be a part of you. I send loving healing energy to you all. This is the first time I have ever posted about my childhood any where not even on paper. It feels like a weight has been lifted. Thank you all for listening. 

  • Upvote 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This is the first time I talk about it...I have a friend who told  me she was molested and I felt so triggered,  that was about the first time I faced the fact that I had been molested too. it was awful to realize that for a long time my relationship to any man was the byproduct of me seducing them. I never felt capable of having a relationship if the guy wasn't sexually interested in me, I used to sleep around a lot sometimes with guys I wasn't into at all just to get them to like me even if it was only for a night... I am so thankful to teal for everything but still can't stop blaming myself even to the point that I want to kill myself for letting these other kids from my block abuse me (like if I could have prevented something like that) I wish I could have a friend to talk about this , but even to tell anyone makes me feel like they are going to reject me and maybe not believe me. 

  • Upvote 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Maya 727 I feel like since we are opening up to one of another on this site and those whom have committed the abuse don't  vistit here on this site is a counseling session for all of us and a way for us to feel say and to heal. You are right there is so many triggers. My husband has long hair so I pull his hair forward because he now has an eagles peak which is a bad trigger for me. I'm still learning to trust that not all males will attack me . Thank you all for listening to me 

  • Upvote 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi Walt, and Everybody,

I got My Completion Process Book Yesterday. Yay! The question you ask is How did I survive.  Like many of you I am sure.  My situation was with my Mom's Dad and by the time I was old enough to understand that this was not normal, we were living in their house while my parents tried to save money to buy their own house.  But it was also My Breaking Point and in 4th grade I had a talk with the school counselor.  And I had no idea the ramifications of what I was saying or how that was going to affect my life and how immediate those changes were about to happen.  He immediately went to county jail and we were suddenly homeless and moved into a Camping Facility. I was also, that day scoped, prodded, examined, tested and recorded at the local hospital. Later in Court he admitted to everything and I didn't have to testify and he spent 25yrs in Prison He got out lived another 5 years and is now deceased.  

I have heard many other survivor stories and I consider myself SO Grateful that The Justice System served me and he went to jail for his offense.  I can not imagine an experience where no one would believe me, or sharing what happening to a parent and have them ignore me, or continue to live my life having to live with or interact with the person who was violating me.  

So back to my story, it's classic trait that for some reason sexually abused people over share LOL I am no different! :) I went immediately into counseling and therapy and constantly, repetitively, absurdly over and over my counselor and truck loads of people were telling me, "This is not your fault" I was about 10 and I would just think Dugh, like I didn't ask for this...I couldn't even talk when it began.  I understood it was him who was twisted. And so I used the experience to strengthen my character.  And by strengthen I mean put a Fort Knox around me, and my feelings, and my heart.  I was and can be a sarcastic, word slicing, Bitch!  After a year of therapy when they decided I was not going to develop a severe mental disorder like schizophrenia, or disassociative disorder they told my parents I was going to be absolutely fine and normal person.  And I was and am if you just look at the surface of my life.  I am So Grateful Again that I did have this Sexual Abuse Experience because I wouldn't be the person, The Woman I am, The Mother I am today without it.  I wouldn't have this strength, or bravery, or Fearlessness if I had come into any other life path.

I still have Sexual Abuse Survivor Thinking.  My Inner Child tells me she is "Fkn Livid"!  I never had any chemical addictions, or smoked, my mind is way more advanced at abusing me than to use that kind of dependency.  I might be able to overcome or beat an addiction like that and that would feed the story of how strong I am.  I am addicted to food, see there is NO Way I can not eat and still survive see how messed up that is?  My preference is Sugar.  So when I gain weight I mentally abuse myself.  If I get real honest I am also addicted to my phone, and the internet also.  A Core Need for me is Intimacy or Emotional Connection. Probably more times than I would like to admit my phone and zoning out on the internet have been the thing that interfere with me having that need met the most.  There was a time for me when I used Men like someone else here has posted.  Sex does not mean anything to me at all and even better I can disembody while having sex.  Which was a coping mechanism from the abuse I am sure, but when your consciousness is not in your body your body will do WAY crazier things than you would consciously agree too.  Which meant I acquired a lot of Fans that I then misinterpreted as Love. So lots of heart break and Train Wreck relationships and more abuse adding emotional and physical to my wrap sheet.

Ten years ago I was just out of one of those terrible relationships and I met my Husband Jeff.  He was nice to me like in a way no one had been before, and I thought I am gonna try this out because I had always blown off the nice guys before.  We have been married 10 years now and I can not even believe that is my reality that I could stay in a relationship for that long.  It has been a mess don't get me wrong!!! Those Fans I mentioned earlier and My inappropriate behavior have nearly cost me my marriage.  And I feel conflicted about staying because my need for emotional connection is so strong, and Jeff is the, I just don't talk about my feeling and mushy stuff like that, guy.  We have a 6 year old son and that complicates my feelings about meeting my own needs.  

During this marriage probably 5 years ago now I started my spiritual path. I did Choices Seminars here in Texas.  They have a website but I feel like that helped me more than all the years of therapy.  Because it was the first time I could examine my stinking thinking and be offered a tool that I could use in real life to create more healthy relationships in my life and myself.  Therapy only stirs up the crap in my life but doesn't teach me how to get beyond that crap or how to heal it.  From Choices, I have been insatiable, and one program has led me to the next teacher, to another program.  I even went back to school and took all the psychology classes I could take at our local college.  I seemed to be in the Loop Teal has mentioned where I believe the thought Something is Wrong with me.

Because all of my trauma occurred in the formative years, and I had parents who both had to work and being left with grandparents where I would be violated I feel compounds the issue of my own healing.  I have no examples of what a healthy boundary even looks like, and if I try to assert one and that offends someone I freak that I will lose that person.  I have no real examples of a healthy emotional relationship from my parents, so parenting my inner child who needs unconditional presence seems over whelming.  I know I am doing the best I can with my son, but I wouldn't claim to be parent of the year or anything.  He definitely triggers me, or I have too little patience with him, or I feel annoyed and stressed to the point of negative emotional outburst. I am working on it.  And I continue to work on myself just trying to put the fragmented pieces of me back together.  Looking for and becoming aware of triggers and becoming a more conscious aware person is how I live now.  That is how I am surviving.

  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now