Scot

Inner child not feeling worthy

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Inner child not feeling worthy

I have a book with some Jungian ideas.  Jung thought everyone has an animus (male side) and an anima (female side).   I am not so sure that it should necessarily be male and female per se.  Maybe “strong individual who stands on their own two feet” or “softer individual who wants to connect”.  
Well, yesterday I went out for lunch with my friend.  She seems to bring out my softer side that wants to connect.  At the end of lunch, I didn’t have quite enough change for the transit system.  She offered to use some of her change to let me ride home.  I felt a little guilty taking her change. (But it’s just change.  If I were in my “strong individual” mode I would have given my own change away without even blinking.)   But I think I have this inner child that somehow feels unworthy of receiving someone’s pocket change.  Maybe this side of myself doesn’t feel worthy of receiving.   
I can hold the thought however.  I am not afraid of looking at this apparent vulnerability within myself.
And also through lunch, I occasionally had a feeling of “why is she talking to me? What makes me worthy of her time and attention?”  If someone on the Teal Swan forum asked “what makes me worthy?”  I would tell them “you are worthy for the simple reason that you are capable of loving them back”.   Maybe I need to sit with that idea for a while.

Apparently there is an expression in Spanish (it might be a Cuban expression) “He never had a grandmother”.  The idea is that little children need to be reassured that they are deserving of love and affection and grandmothers do that.  I had three grandmothers but did not have a close or loving relationship with any of them.

Maybe some more loving-kindness and some more practice letting my softer side receive without guilt.  
 

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Like myself, it seems as if your in your head too much...  you censor things your actually thinking, as if they might seem too random to the other person.  (I 'have' trouble connecting to people) I'm thinking, it's not that you feel  unworthy, it just that you feel unheard, and alone because of it.  ...   So what make you worthy?  with that line of thinking in your post above... Your Friend is getting something out of the experience too!!!   Your joyful, or mindful, company.   Like i've arm-chaired psychologist identified that a part of you feels unheard,,, perhaps you friend appreciates you for giving your time to actually Be Heard, and listened too.     ...   As for feeling unworthy about your friends pocket change, as long as you know your being responsible with money, there shouldn't be much to feel guilty about.  If  it's super bothering you, tell your friend about it, see if they could become an accountability partner to figure out how you can grow your income.    ...  for my last thought, I recall Teal talking with someone about how our parent's love is riddled with conditions...  So it just feels weird when you actually receive unconditional love, because that's not what your imprint of what love is.  ...  Sorry, I think i've covered two different trains of thought.

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1 hour ago, Mark Joseph Middleton said:

Here comes the unpopular answer!

Maybe it's natural for some of us to feel like we should be paying our own way. I rail against this at christmas for example, where no matter how bad off I am financially I try to make a big deal of it and give people things. They feel bad they haven't most years, because they are very poor. I always try to find the words to say its okay, but maybe it isn't okay. Maybe there is nothing wrong whatsoever with feeling like you should be paying your own way.

The strong individual mode here gets too much flak, feeling like it has to justify itself for existing. 

Talking day to day, not xmas. So does the part of the person that receives things, and let's the other person be in THEIR strong individual mode. I've always hated where someone says you'd don't have to, you don't have to etc, even when they really need you too. As if they are doing me a favor allowing me to give them something, but perhaps they are doing me a favor, allowing me to give them something. I realise this is an unpopular and unspiritual way (whatever that means) to look at it, but I feel that exchange is beneficial to who I I am as a human being. So you were doing her a favor too.

Maybe you were seeing a genuine example of a transaction that was healthy, between two friends helping each other out. So unconditional love wasn't stepped on here. 

Mark, we say it is better to give than to receive but both are needed. We can't give unless there is someone is there to receive and what a wonderful gift it is when it's needed and unexpected. To be a cheerful giver is great, expecting nothing in return, but to be a graceful receiver sharing honest appreciation, wonder and awe at the gift and the giver is a treasure to be cherished as well. Giving a gift anonymously can be a joy but it robs the gifted of any opportunity to express their appreciation. Enjoy the ride! The best gift of all is life eternal. Merry Christmas, Happy New Year!

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@David B  I definitely agree that I sometimes feel unheard.  And I know that for a large part of the time I feel unheard because I don’t speak up.  And I don’t speak up for fear of being judged.  However, it seems like each time I pluck up my courage and let myself be heard, things go better than if I stay silent.  But I think that many of us feel unheard.  It’s part of the human condition I think.  

A while ago now, I ran across 4 questions that you are supposed to ask yourself everyday.  The question that is relevant is:  “Have I received without guilt?”    The deeper meaning is, at your core do you feel worthy of receiving?  And in my case, I think the answer would have to be “no, I don’t”.  I tried to run a Completion Process on this and the original story did not occurto me.  I dont think it was any one particular incident.  So Completion Process didn’t work.  The least not yet. 

By the way, if it seems to you that I am making a mountain out of a molehill, I would say that I have taken care of a few mountains.  I can’t say for sure that all of my mountains are gone and all I have left to deal with are molehills.  However, at this time, I am choosing to explore this particular molehill just to see what is underneath it.

And in case anyone was wondering, the other three questions are:

-have I given without expectation?

-have I authentically expressed my needs?

-have I acknowledged and shown gratitude for the things that matter?

Edited by Scot

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Hi, Scot! It's just change! No big deal, so stop over thinking! Have you not received anything else before? Things come and go! Sometimes for no reason)

We've always had things just being given to us. At the right time for various reasons. Often because people were moving/leaving somewhere like for ex., a brand new baby playpen + other things that I didn't know we were going to need were just given to us because the couple that also just had a baby was living to India. And we did the same with a lot of things we had! No expectations,  no guilt!

Also I am sure this was not the last time you saw your friend. You can buy her a cup of coffee next time if you wish to say thank you this way!

All the best in the coming 2018 year!

 

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I will use this topic to wish you happy New year :)

Maybe we should open a topic on new years resolutions or something... yesterday it was revelatory to me, i didn't like what I understood, ego rebeling as always, but hopefully things will change... 

Happy New year, i apologize if someone denies this reply 

Best,

M

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Mark I see what you are saying and I can see how that's a struggle. I agree that paying your own way is good, especially for you now, but I think with time you will be able to discriminate between paying your own way and healthy gift giving, But for now work on being self sufficient and recognize that the pain you feel at Christmas is just a sign that you still have this issue.

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