Liene

any advice how to find a solution?

19 posts in this topic

any advice how to find a solution?

I have question. I am in a emotionally abusive relationship with person I believe is a Narcissist. I want to leave the relationship but just a thought that I will not put my doughter to bed every night and not wake her up in the morning is killing me. I feel stuck. I have done pain replace meditation and got to understanding that it is issue of me feeling that  I dont belong anywhere.  My children have been my safe place to feel belonging, today while doing quantum heeling modul on the same subject got the flash of image that my children are the closest to what I know love is.....and then it is confusing, if I feel I am dying when I think of not being with my daughter every day......that is conditional love.....I am so confused. I feel if I will find what is holding, trigerring me in relation to children I will be ready to leave this realtionship.
P.S. I had almost identical story when my son was the same age as my doughter.....I wanted to leave relationship but could do it only by leaving my son to live with his father.....bot times men are thretaning me by taking away my children, fist time I did not fight for my son, beliving then that it will harm him, this time I want to fight but I am in strange country, economicaly dependent not a citizen.......much more harder. I see it as a lesson I did not get the first time and now it is coming back 100 times harder.......
how to get to the point, what is the lesson, issue, resistance ...my mind is so confused, please help me

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Yeah... I am very touched by this writing. I feel you. I would like it, thumbs it up more times if i could. 

Ok, so you are a codependent right, if you attract narcissists, that is what it is. 

You will have to find your love inside. You are put it this position over and over again to find the love inside. Not look for replacements for feeling love, like children, but rather finding the love in yourself. You will have to do it. I feel you will suffer some time. But you need to go through it. I don' know this is intimate talk, but am sharing it here with you... You will have to find love inside. You will have to search and cry and torment, but you will. Clearing your heart and mind will help you resolve and find solutions for the current thing. I promise to you you will find solutions, how to keep maintaining the love with your children, just focus on the pain a bit, be with it... be with all the fucking possibilities of worse case scenarios foe your life, even ending this shit... because it might be that hard. Just let yourself imagine all the worst case scenarios, go through all the possibilities, embrace that you might crumble and stuff.. I am going too deep maybe, just want to help. You are on your good way, it is hard, is is I know, just keep on facing , and you will find solutions...

I hope we were there for you a bit with this. 

I reread this post i wrote , it sounds harsh, but I am really feeling you and am talking from the heart 

Purely from the heart 

Am even shaking a bit

Honesty,

Love ya 

M

Edited by Mai-da
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Thank you M, your post calmed me,  yes it resonates when you are mentioning that I am looking for replacement of love outside.......my children and Universe is shoving me to turn inside. for some time I have been aware of me not loving myself and now learning it step by step (not easy as I dont have much reference how that should feel). As codependent, what I am, I am focusing a lot of my attention (mostly in my mind) towards  Narcissist and I feel my healing next to him is like yoyo (that is why I know my emotional survival depends on me leaving this relationship, this house). I have been working with those worst case scenarios with Byron Katie questions, quanta heeling, Teals shadow meditations but it is still there....like i loose ground under my feet, like life is loosing the meaning.......I am so attached to that thought of having no life without my daughter that it confuses and puts doubt on any other thought  of seeing how my life can be ok even if I am not everyday next to my daughter. I know I also have the fear of pain I experienced living without my son and seeing him once a year since I moved to this country and I am projecting that when looking at my future. I know it is pain from the past and I am working on that as well but deep down I still feel, hear me saying to myself-I will not survive one more time that pain. I have not done completion process yet.......I have red the book till the chapter where the process description begins and for 6 month I cant make myself to read the rest of the book. It is what Teal was talking in one of her daily premium episodes.......it is so hard and painful to go this path all alone and I am all alone, alone in this country, far from my family, economically dependent, ignored and emotionally abused by N every single day (if not brainwashed then ignored like I dont exist). I have very little time when I am alone and feel safe to work with my things, I do it early in the morning or late at night if I feel safe, when walking to supermarket or to work) when the weather was good I was able to go for a walk or sit at the beach but now it is a rainy season and I have not much options...

how to make myself to read the book and begin the completion process? I hope it would lead me to deeper roots of why I am so attached and fear to walk out of this house.....

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yeah... puf, i am sighing here like... i dont think you should go too deep now, i dont think you should try to uncover, i mean that goes hand in hand in a way, but start with what makes you feel so bad now and how would you like it too be... i think point is, you are in a such a bad place, that you even CANT see hope anywhere... so you need, to focus on something good, meaning, ask yourself, what is it that you dont like now, and what would you like it to be? yeah, switch focus a bit. Try seeing how you would like it to be. we need a bit of energy for shadow work and stuff. You dont have it now. You are immersed and taken by your/the pain too much... You need to see how you would like to be, how  would it be better for you, first go through what is absolutely killing you, i mean making you feel really bad, then next questions would be, what can make it better? how would you like it to be?  how would YOU feel better? like go imagining, dont question the viability of the things you desire, just say them, let the universe hear you out, you see? he does. he does hear you. Let it know you want better. You see. By switching the focus, you will feel better, i promise, and from there you can do shadow work, and continue reading, just continue being interested... you need bit of energy. Good thoughts, images, imagination, desires, constructing and being clear with your desires will make that happen, give you bit of energy to clear...

keep writing, 

kisses 

Edited by Mai-da

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Yes I will do that, I have been getting signs to change my focus on things what makes feel better.

I have struggle, resistance in siting being with my pain........but that how you put it gives different perspective....

 I have not been thinking about me having or not having energy as I am in survival mode, but when you are mentioning it tears are coming to my eyes.....

since some time I am doing that exerciser when before doing or not doing something I ask what feels better, softer or harder

Thank you so much for your support...means world to me,

love,

Liene

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At the end of the year I made a list, one day of what makes me feel bad and the next day 31th what I want it to be......had a very good feeling when I woke up 1st of January......like a drop of hope felt in the ear.

I am trying to be as honest as possible with myself......my fist mini steps towards authenticity :). I come to realize that what Teal explained in last online workshop........Not changing is getting me something, I want to keep what is now and what will come with change. The change I want is to get out of this abusive relationship, have a safe place to heal and renew myself, find a job and meet  people build new healthy relationships and that what is now and why I feel stuck in this situation is that I cant imagine waking up without my daughter every morning, not putting her to bed every night, not having breakfast and dinner together every day, not being there for her when she is afraid, scared or ill. Teals question was then....think how can I have both? and I dont know how......by walking out of this relationship and fallowing my wish I will probably loose custody of my daughter and will be with her every second weekend or so.  One is sabotaging the other and this feeling of constant doubt how to move forward is eating me alive.......please help.....

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Hello Liene.

Are you in touch with any relatives? Friends? How old is your daughter?

Regardless of one way or the other, one parent very often is not able to take care of a child, especially a very young one.

How come not changing is going to get you something? Change comes from doing something differently unless you want more of what you already have => multiple your misery by the next # of years. Staying or not, eventually you'd still have to choose. 

 

 

 

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Also! If you are under 34 (not 100% sure, you'd need to check) and if does come down to the worst scenario,  you can sign up for military and come back with a gun! You will be your daughter's hero forever. 

(Just trying to uplift your spirit and show you that there is always another solution when it seems like none)

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10 hours ago, Liene said:

Teals question was then....think how can I have both?

She says meet the needs of both aspects of you... Not exactly HAVE, but rather find out what the actual need is underneath the wish... So, question is, what kind of feeling these moments with your daughter give you? What kind of feelings or emotions are those? How can you soothe your self by giving yourself what that experience gives you? Beause that is what you are looking for... Of course no one will replace your daughter, but knowing what the moments with your daughter give you, will make you long for THOSE feelings, not anything material you see. We are looking for feelings/states, of peace, connection, bliss, enlightenment, belonging, creativity... Not THAT job, THOSE people, though of course you GET to choose... You have however maybe now another thing to rely on anyway, you hold both perspectives see. The one that is or can be happy , or satisfied, and the other that is in deep lack and pain. I wouldn't say the thing i told you to do is supposed to or EVER WILL sharpen the distance between you and your daughter. If you find happiness/Love, it will probably get you closer or sharpen the connection with your daughter... Just be clear with your emotions, and let universe do whatever it thinks is best for you, all of you, now... 

I feel better reading your post now, but when you mention the moments you will miss with you daughter... i feel stress in my body again and cramping. So yes, these are two aspects of you, you should try meeting the needs of both, but needs involve what kind of feeling we want to actually have, what do these aspects need. ..

Love 

Mai 

Edited by Mai-da

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being alone, alone in some room or apartment, I cant breath when I see me there, yes she is my feeling of belonging. I dont see my life worth living if I am left alone again. 

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the other aspect is I want to be whole, get to know myself, find myself, love myself, feel good be happy and enjoy the life...

when I am around people, family, in relationship even with my children.......I am not my true me, I am what I think I should be, what I think they expect me to be......it is painful, I have constant pain in my chest, anxiety......like I will miss something, I am constantly alert to pic up all the signals and change accordingly, that what ruins all my relationships,  I dont know how to be me and how to be me around the people........is it what Teal is saying I cant have me and cant have them in the same time?  

how to integrate these parts? 

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connection to my daughter is truest relationship I have in this world, closest to unconditional love, I am the most of real me with her I ever been so far with any human being

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13 hours ago, Liene said:

the other aspect is I want to be whole, get to know myself, find myself, love myself, feel good be happy and enjoy the life...

when I am around people, family, in relationship even with my children.......I am not my true me, I am what I think I should be, what I think they expect me to be......it is painful, I have constant pain in my chest, anxiety......like I will miss something, I am constantly alert to pic up all the signals and change accordingly, that what ruins all my relationships,  I dont know how to be me and how to be me around the people........is it what Teal is saying I cant have me and cant have them in the same time?  

how to integrate these parts? 

This is the codependent behavior and feelings. Check Teal's interviews on codependency, all that you can find on it, but I feel Teal is best because it doesn't put you in a victim mentality because you allegedly are a codependent. And i dont sense you have that victim mentality, so thats a big start...

Finding yourself is a big thing, for anyone, everyone, specially for us who have always been serving, or lying to ourselves.... It's tough and it asks for certain commitment, and it goes slow, it's hard to get rid of aspects that are codependent, that need attachment and all that,..So, to have compassion towards yourself is important, to understand where it all comes from... However, in your position, i think it's tough because you are very much concerned with how you are going to live without your daughter... So, clearing (old) patterns in yourself is always helpful, but in your case, you need to find a way to go beyond your pain and all the possible painful future you are thinking of and projecting, gather the pain and rise above it...  Take it with you, and rise above it, and act. Think and act from there. What now? How do I do this? Parallely, gather information on the codependent and narcissistic personality, feed yourself with information, just to understand more, and be able to function, better. 

This is a tough story in a way, because, who can replace the connection you have with your daughter? Who can replace your daughter? Where is your motherhood going to go? I don't have kids, so i haven't felt that pain on/in me, but I try to feel you and i sense lots of pain, just try raising above it, take it with you, but rise above it, and act from there. Universe however does know better than you, and maybe whatever comes is good for you, and for your daughter...

Ask yourself all possible questions around how would your daughter feel better too? How is she going to go through this all? How is she going to feel without her mother around?  I am personally interested in all this. And don't forget, we all have own individuality, so your daughter WILL get through it, or has the potential to rise above it, (I dont know her age though), you too... And in the end, SEPARATION NEVER  REALLY HAPPENS. 

The love you feel with your daughter is being said to you to find in yourself.  But it can be long, and hard, but if you are committed...

And the more you love yourself (which ultimately is being present with yourself, nothing more, no positive thinking, no boosting, no "i can do this, yeah"... But, "I dont feel i can do this... An aspect of me doesn't feel it can do this, What does that aspect need... etc etc)

"is it what Teal is saying I cant have me and cant have them in the same time?  " I was talking about soothing all your aspects within, which is i think science fiction for you now actually, (writing this specific segment after an hour of this whole reply, just this paragraph) so yes, having yourself and having the other too... I still haven't gotten there :))) I feel it, i feel the awareness coming in, i actually simulate it at this very moment, how would it be, but i still abandon it in a way, which means see, it is a codependent side of me ... 

Thats what i would say, listen things on codependency, Teal i would suggest (with Ross Rosenberg there's an interview), process what you learn, gather your thoughts and feelings, pain, and all possible future life you envision for yourself, terrifying or, pleasant 

And I do wish I can hear someone here who has kids, but with similar or same experience, and how they have gone through it, because i can dive deep for you and, channel, but practicality in this situation, i cant really see... In the end, I know your spirit will guide you what to do, you just need to communicate and try at least, trusting the flow...

I sympathize and empathize with you 

Love,

Majda 

 

 

p.s. Or let spirit raise you up... Go as low as you can, and see what happens... There are many routes you can take as you can see

Love,

M

 

Edited by Mai-da
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1 hour ago, Mai-da said:

This is the codependent behavior and feelings. Check Teal's interviews on codependency, all that you can find on it, but I feel Teal is best because it doesn't put you in a victim mentality because you allegedly are a codependent. And i dont sense you have that victim mentality, so thats a big start...

Finding yourself is a big thing, for anyone, everyone, specially for us who have always been serving, or lying to ourselves.... It's tough and it asks for certain commitment, and it goes slow, it's hard to get rid of aspects that are codependent, that need attachment and all that,..So, to have compassion towards yourself is important, to understand where it all comes from... However, in your position, i think it's tough because you are very much concerned with how you are going to live without your daughter... So, clearing (old) patterns in yourself is always helpful, but in your case, you need to find a way to go beyond your pain and all the possible painful future you are thinking of and projecting, gather the pain and raise above it...  Take it with you, and raise above it, and act. Think and act from there. What now? How do I do this? Parallely, gather information on the codependent and narcissistic personality, feed yourself with information, just to understand more, and be able to function, better. 

This is a tough story in a way, because, who can replace the connection you have with your daughter? Who can replace your daughter? Where is your motherhood going to go? I don't have kids, so i haven't felt that pain on/in me, but I try to feel you and i sense lots of pain, just try raising above it, take it with you, but raise above it, and act from there. Universe however does know better than you, and maybe whatever comes is good for you, and for your daughter...

Ask yourself all possible questions around how would your daughter feel better too? How is she going to go through this all? How is she going to feel without her mother around?  I am personally interested in all this. And don't forget, we all have own individuality, so your daughter WILL get through it, or has the potential to raise above it, (I dont know her age though), you too... And in the end, SEPARATION NEVER  REALLY HAPPENS. 

The love you feel with your daughter is being said to you to find in yourself.  But it can be long, and hard, but if you are committed...

And the more you love yourself (which ultimately is being present with yourself, nothing more, no positive thinking, no boosting, no "i can do this, yeah"... But, "I dont feel i can do this... An aspect of me doesn't feel it can do this, What does that aspect need... etc etc)

"is it what Teal is saying I cant have me and cant have them in the same time?  " I was talking about soothing all your aspects within, which is i think science fiction for you now actually, (writing this specific segment after an hour of this whole reply, just this paragraph) so yes, having yourself and having the other too... I still haven't gotten there :))) I feel it, i feel the awareness coming in, i actually simulate it at this very moment, how would it be, but i still abandon it in a way, which means see, it is a codependent side of me ... 

Thats what i would say, listen things on codependency, Teal i would suggest (with Ross Rosenberg there's an interview), process what you learn, gather your thoughts and feelings, pain, and all possible future life you envision for yourself, terrifying or, pleasant 

And I do wish I can hear someone here who has kids, but with similar or same experience, and how they have gone through it, because i can dive deep for you and, channel, but practicality in this situation, i cant really see... In the end, I know your spirit will guide you what to do, you just need to communicate and try at least, trusting the flow...

I sympathize and empathize with you 

Love,

Majda 

 

 

p.s. Or let spirit raise you up... Go as low as you can, and see what happens... There are many routes you can take as you can see

Love,

M

 

Thank you Majda so so much.....there is no words to describe what it means to me this very moment......I am today all day crying and in bed, dont remember me allowing that at least in past 7 years.....my first steps in being present with myself and how I feel. I put all my plans asaid all the list of tasks ....all that stuff fells hard to day

today morning I walked in N office and on his table was his list of tasks and on of them was to get me out of his house.......he is open about that and it is good even it hurts like hell inside me.  is it what you are saing about getting above the pain.....I am afraid of loosing my illusion of safety I have so many fears how to survive on my own and with all of that I feel this moment I am so afraid it is approaching and I know as painful it is = it is  bringing change , something good even I dont see that yet. I dont feel so much resistance as I feel grief  and today my tears are sorrow and grief over the lose of my dream of life I never had with him over my life I lived so unaware of myself over my my children I thought  I could protect from pain.....over my illusion I am living in.... 

I am very interested in understanding this concept  ( ....you need to find a way to go beyond your pain and all the possible painful future you are thinking of and projecting, gather the pain and raise above it...  Take it with you, and raise above it)......In a way I sense I will act and will survive when time comes (with all my fears and pain) and now is the moment before a big jump....still trying to see if there is a way out or around or anything even I know I will jump...or is this enduring and pushing through?

it was so so good to read that you dont sense victim mentality.....I sometimes get confused especially when I spend so much time focusing in my mind on narcissist, reasoning and fighting with him, I catch myself and bring me back but it is still a lot of focus. I found Teal when was listening to Rosenbergs matterials on codependency, I found Melanie Tonia Evans https://www.youtube.com/user/MelanieToniaEvans  and she is giving amazing quanta healing tool especially for survivors of Narcisistic abuese, i have been working with her tool for some time now and it has helped me to come to the point that I want to leave the relationship and understand  more codependent and narcissist  personalities. I have come a long way and I know how much I still need to go to dig up all the roots of my codependency but I cant heel much more living next to narcissist, even he is mirroring me so much (he is the only one who see clearly my bad side and is showing me that, he is the one telling me the brutal truth about me not loving myself, not trusting myself, trying to look good in everybody eyes, not being honest to myself and others.....) I admitted that to him and told that he has been telling me truth all these years and I was fighting back because I did not want to see that in me. It was important to me......it does not give any resolution to abusive relationship. 

My daughter is 5 will turn 6 in march.......I dont know how she will get through this, she will, yes it is her path as well by choosing to come in this family. I have spent so much time in thinking how it is better for her if I stay in this abusive relationship and I see it is selfish of me,  I say I stay because of her but in reality I stay because of me and my connection to her. I will never know what is better for her, I am not a God and I dont know what is better for higher good. I know in my head I have to be a healthy example of good relationships to her to grow healthy and not to become codependent as me but my codependent aspects are so strongly attached to her that is hard to breath. I have done lot of work with Byron Katie questioning I need my children, My children need me, I need there love and they will not survieve without me......I see how it is true that I am so grateful for having the gift of knowing them, being part of there lives by giving birth to them, and I am there mother and nothing can change that and I will love them and nothing can change that......I have thins knowing in me and it was very liberating to find it........untill my unresolved aspects of belonging, safety and not deserving love kick in

here I come again how the hell I can integrate all this in me so I become whole again......my head is spining

love,

Liene 

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Yeah, lots of realizations in a short period of time. Damn woman

Btw, him reflecting back all these sides of you might also be him gaslighting you, so be wary and aware of that too, because you might be just giving and trusting and an empath and loving, whatever it is, and him highlighting these maybe supresed aspects, or exaggerating them. So be aware of that possibility too. There is so much contradiction in this world, as long as you don't trust yourself , first and foremost, you'll be led this way, that way, literally dragged, especially when you are in so much pain and so much need for space and time, TIME, and simultaneously being asked to leave, and resented in a way maybe... I Agree with Mark to try finding strength in you, try even fake it till you make it you know? Fake it till you make it. You are worthy of remaining a mother to your children, worthy of having a roof, worthy of good treatment, respectful honourable treatment, ... Not that you haven't deserved or attracted this in your life too, (sorry for deserved, i operate sometimes under that term, Teal has a video on it I haven't watched yet, but I have an inner Dictator, that.. ), these are the polarities I am talking about, whatever makes you ultra weak and powerless, will make you at some point, or makes you instantaneously strong and powerful. Like when you feel the fear in your body, the anxiety in your chest, have it and raise your head, literally try to lift your head but with the feeling, and see where the feeling goes... I don't want to give too much instructions as you will see yourself, for yourself, how to lift yourself up in the deepest of dungeons, but yeah... There are many ways you can take. You can also act sick to be honest. If people ask too much of you, or you ask too much of yourself, admit to yourself you are incapable now, you can even soothe your brain or mind by believing you are actually mentally very unstable now, and you need help... Which in my case is in alignment with my brain :)))))) Just saying, literally see yourself bigger than your pain, feel the sensations but get up from the sofa for example with them, get outside with them, i sometimes shake in public, like literally, i cry in public in buses :)) Just go outside connect and bliss will come, over and over again till answers pop up, or something like that. I don't know how it will work for you, but holding both means acting with the fear, whatever an action is at the moment... 

Nice you say you will know what to do in the moment. 

Sorry this is maybe too long not everything I said was necessary very much, pardon 

Edited by Mai-da

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