sherythoma98

Trouble in married life - Need help!

5 posts in this topic

Trouble in married life - Need help!

Desperately need advice!
I'm on the verge of divorce. It's been 5 years since my marriage and everything was going fine a few months back. I think my husband is cheating on me. It almost 4 months since we had sex. Even when I initiated, he just turned around and slept. I was disappointed by this action of his. Last day, I thought this was enough and confronted him for cheating on me. But he said it’s not like that and told me that he is considering low libido treatment from a clinic in Toronto. I don’t believe him. I have heard that low libido occurs at old age. He is just 37 years old. Isn’t it too early for this low sex drive? Has anyone here undergone a similar situation? I’m not sure if I should trust him or not. What do you think? Should I move forward with the idea of ending this relationship? Any advice is highly appreciated. Thanks! 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi @sherythoma98  

My advice:  don’t get a divorce unless you know exactly why you should divorce.  To find the truth, I think you have to ask.  Seek to understand and see if it all makes sense.  Honestly state your fears (that you are wondering whether he is having an affair and that you are wondering about this “low libedo” thing.)  And if the story does not make sense and he seems to be hiding something, then say “this does not make sense and you seem like you are hiding something”.  Don’t assume!  Seek openness and clarification.

Maybe he is having a low libedo issue. Just because it is more common in older men, does not mean that it can’t happen in a man of 37.  Don’t assume.  Find out!

If you two are feeling distant, talk to each other.  Find out about what he has been thinking and feeling.  And let him know what you have been thinking and feeling too.  If you can do that, then you will strengthen the relationship. If you honestly try to find out what is going on and also let him know what is going on, and fail, then at least you will know why you need to divorce.   But don’t leave a marriage without making an honest attempt to get to the bottom of things.

Edited by Scot
  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

you should read "The perfect matrimony" by Samael Aun Weor, the book is free along with his other books on gnosticteachings.org

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 22 December 2017 at 7:47 PM, sherythoma98 said:

Has anyone here undergone a similar situation? I’m not sure if I should trust him or not. What do you think? Should I move forward with the idea of ending this relationship? Any advice is highly appreciated. Thanks! 

Hey @sherythoma98 I spotted JPK's "gnosticteachings" twice now so thought I'd share my perspective on this Post of yours... I hope it may open some avenues that seem to be currently; closed for you... 

What I say is that you don't know till you know; so why worry about something that hasn't happened? And this may mean you either do know or you are maybe resonating with the same issue yourself. Maybe it is as simple as you have grown into the habit of not asking enough of your partner and he is suspect of a failing marriage? (I'm simply throwing things out here to see if you can question yourself and question hubby in different ways)...

Another issue could simply be you have both gotten used to each others' habits... you for instance, may try to have a sexual relationship but force the issue when maybe re-thinking it from a fresh perspective, you may have to treat hubby like a virgin; him being scared of intimacy and unused to having sex demanded of him in this way. Maybe he does have his own performance issues and maybe not. You won't know till you ask - but at this stage please don't use a 3rd Party Counselling session as that'll seem like ganging-up against him and that'll likely close him up not open him up. How do I know all this....? Hmm...

So I'd do what Scot suggests and sit down for a frank conversation; allowing any feelings to be honestly and openly discussed. This takes bravery on both sides - this may not be possible; so be prepared for closed, guarded feelings. Getting them out may take time and loving presence on both your parts...

Also, Teal's 'Relationship Elixir' exercise... you both write down as many things as you can think of of the neediness you personally have. What often happens is that you may think you are supplying your partner in the relationship when in fact you are supplying the 3rd party in the relationship (The Relationship) itself and not him and he not supplying all your needs to you. Does this make sense? So when you both write down your needs - like "I like my husband to show he cares by getting my car door, shop door and getting my restaurant seat" is your need. Or "I need to be told at least once a day that I am loved". It doesn't matter how obscure or needy this is because it's your needs not what should be or shouldn't be shown. Then you rank them in order of the most important being 10 to the least important being 1. You may have as many important needs as you want - 5 x 10 ranked needs, no 7s and a bunch of lesser needs like rank 3: buying me jewellery on my birthday and at christmas; whereas he may rank that as an 8 or 10. 

Then swap lists. And discuss. You and he may be surprised. Sex may rank 5 for him and 10 for you. Discuss how you can accommodate him and he you. Maybe it's how you have intimacy so some intimacy acts rank higher than others..?

I'm not getting into anything here other than letting you be aware of how issues can subliminally arise without us knowing. Low libido can happen at any age and it can be a mental thing which manifests as a physical thing. (I have Evette rose Metaphysical Anatomy book so if you want I cvan PM it to you - just ask. Not for a public forum I feel... So carrying on where I was, you'll need to examine what it was like between him and you when you first met and the budding relationship intimacy and try to bring this up with him in a neutral environment and in a non-accusing way. We are all different and maybe you did not realise why you married in the first place? What do his parents and he have in common and what do you have in common with your parents if anything..? Look for similarities which often show up in how he believes a marriage should be based on his parents' marriage and vice-versa.

Then again, you seem to be on a spiritual path and maybe he is feeling left behind..?

Lastly, you have not mentioned children... 

I pose questions and offer some ideas on solutions - it's really up to what you and hubby decide - whether it's worth 5 years or not; but it pays to totally exhaust all avenues of your relationship before assuming the worst and ending anything. Only after all this has been exhausted will you both know what to do next.  I hope this helps.

Light and Love

crystal Rob

Edited by Crystal Rob

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hello! I have had something similar and we have managed to continue our marriage and even make it better. 

First I must say that after meeting two official councellors, it was good. They did not take sides, but listened both parties equally. There could be a case where your husband does not feel safe or some other reason is blocking him to be open and honest. There can be really many reasons. Maybe he is scared that your sex doe not change an he is afraid of asking any changes. Maybe. Libido is not just physical, so meeting a sex therapist might open up something new. If he just does not want to talk, it might e necessary to show him that it is not ok (if it really is not ok for you) and demand opening up. But that should be the last option before thinking about breaking up. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now