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Angeldust

Healing from selfabandonment

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Healing from selfabandonment

I was digging deeply today and this came up:

 

i have this trauma where i was being taught i needed to abandon myself in order to please someone elses idea of me and become that.(basic unconscious parenting) i needed to stop doing what i wanted to do and stop being who i wanted to be in order to please the people who were supposed to take care of me and if i didnt, they got mad at me, and emotionally and physically abused me. so i was being taught that i need to abandon myself to be safe (whcih is not safe) and put other people before me and please them and their idea of how i need to be in order to get my needs met and survive, no matter how important it was/is for me to put myself first and do what i feel is right in that moment.

now i dont know if this is real trauma or if this is actually helpful and and healthy behaviour because everyone does..(no its not, im supposed to be supported in whatever i came here to do). i wasnt asked respectfully, if i got lucky and i was asked, i really wasnt because i was directed and if i didnt complied had to suffer consequences, got beat up, punished, ignored, talked down to, shamed etc  etc. they made me into a peoplepleasing, selfabandoning, person, who focuses on others vs the self and  strives to do and be ok with whatever someone else wants from me, wants to do with me, no matter if its hurtful to me, desired or if im in agreement (which has also led to me being sexually abused)...

When in reality im supposed to follow my heart, which will lead me to align with my purpose which is healing to the whole world, do as I please and trust in God and be supported...

but yeah this programming is just taking a toll onme, because I want to do things but always go for other peoples negative opinions about it, telling me i shouldnt, or that im nuts or that its not going to work, or whatever...

I feel so very insecure in who I am and any opposition that comes, I easily give in, abandon myself and forget, often confuse what i want who i am etc...

Im willing to heal this and stop doing this, and I think becoming aware of this is a big first step.

Where do I go from here?

I feel soooo scared, not pleasing others, i feel scared, getting beaten, and abandoned (it happened before, my ex abandoned me etc)

I feel imin a much safer place than I used to be though, but still i feel hindered and influenced by it and my time is running, like I dont want to waste anymore time to this.

(i understand its all in divine timing though so its ok and my blockage is probably being released right now or whenever its time)

In my  heart nobody should do anything they dont want, especially if they are being forced into it but people tell me otherwise, and that im bascially batshit crazy to think like this... 'nothing would get done', 'someones gotta bring home the bakin etc'.. which feedmy insecurities vs trust that its going to work out...

And currently it seems that Im this little kid in the same situation, if i dont please others and give up myself and what i want to do, im getting shamed, guilttripped, abused, and my sense of safety is threatened and its causing me to just give in. But i dont want to anymore.

Im tired of it. its killing me, im wasting my time, beig distracted and i am not showing up for people i want to be there for, the people im really supposed to help)

 

also I realised I have put off the idea of love, because ive learned that love means abandoning myself... 

which is so not right. its just twisted. it needs to be the other way around. 

I want to be me and be loved and seen and respected for who I am. without feeling like i need to fight for it, or need to do things out of fear, to please people, to be safe, accepted, loved, included, respected etc.

but most importantly I want to step into my mission and help people heal and understand.

Im done with holding back and pleasing people and looking out for others more than myself and abandoning myself. Unless this is how its supposed to be done... 

So will simply not giving in be the solution? or is there anything else I can do to help me shift and accelerate healing?

Like where can I find safety? (I know but I dont trust it really)

I feel quite alone in this, like I see everyone around me as people who want me to give myself up in order to become something they want me to be. Of course I am strong enough to decline their offers and such but its still being offered to me. And would like to be free from this.

Actually there is nobody really forcing me to but my own fear and maybe an abusing boyfriend...

but i feel i dont need to be focusing on this boyfriend but on whatever it is that ineed to change about me so the situation solves itself...

but how do I know if Im not greedy or swinging into the other extreme?? ( i do have this picture of the Fibonacci sequence, where it just oscillates and gets closer and closer to the truth, but never quite gets there, so that means im just swingin back and forth but Ill never get there? I guess i need to focus on gratitude to align, isee ok)

but man I just dont know, like what if its how its supposed to be, like if this is just how my life is supposed to be like,... What if im not supposed to change it because im supposed to learn not to be selfish or whatever...in order to reach some holy state...

well acutally i know the answer to this one because I believe its the other way around, we need to be putting ourselves first in order to be really in the position to help others...

Which is what I feel called to do, is help people heal. but at first I need to heal...

 

 

 

Edited by Angeldust

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