AshleyLyn

If you have eyes to see and ears to listen

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If you have eyes to see and ears to listen

Ok I'm trying to develop compassion towards a few very present people in my life. I'm struggling. I keep finding it so hard to relate and connect, I have a negative magnifying glass in my head that was a seed planted inside by my mother, I'm now aware of it and of all the emotional torture it had caused me. I'm working through loving her through her faults and recognizing that I am a seperate entity from her- I have this empathetic ability to be kind and gentle with my own thoughts- to notice when that dark magnifying lens is taking my focus to a habitually negative and defensive place. I'm digging deep into my heart and my memories and sitting with repressed emotions. I've made momentous transformations with other (not as intense-but still heavy) relationships. I have forgiven the man who raised me and took his own life in my backyard as an 8 year old girl. I truly have compassion and sorrow for the troubled person he tried to hide inside. If I can forgive him after so many years of anger confusion and resentment- I have made great strides psychologically. Now that I'm focused on 2 very similar negative dark minded and habitually depressed angry people- I'm feeling so overwhelmed. It was easy to forgive a dead man because he is not currently making "mistakes" or adding to my struggles on a daily basis. These two women, are the grandmothers of my only son. I want peace- I want to coexist and o want to either be able to control my own aura/vibe so well that I can't be affected- or lead them to explore their own emotional depths to find their own inner peace. With just this though in the head as I'm typing this I'm met with a tense feeling in  my spine and a deep fear that they are just completely incapable- or that I am incapable of being the one to lead them there. I'm still to angry- I'm still hurt and judgemental towards them, and still very resistant to reach out and give love that I actually fear being denied, ridiculed and dismissed. I'm also really on my own self discovery and it's hard on me sometimes. I'm having panic attacks and have been neglecting my physical body and I'm aware, I'm taking steps forward. They are small but strong. I just wanted to share my struggle, thanks for listening to it.

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