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Hey guys,

so right now I’m living at home. Until next year when I can move. But right now I’m living at home and it’s painful and isolating. I grew up with a mother who couldn’t own her shame or take responsibility for her impact on other people. I felt like an object to her- a scapegoat to blame things on. If you’ve watched teal’s victim control drama, the you’ll know what I’m talking about when I say that she makes it so the only way I can be around her is if I agree to her estimation of me as this as person responsible for her pain, etc. she lives in denial that she’s done any of this manipulation and instead asserts that she “really cares for me”. 

My only option in this—since if I try to make her aware of this she denies it— is to just focus on leaving home and the kinds of people and things that I do want instead of this. The other day she starting talking about how she is worried about how I don’t want to spend any time with her and how she’s worried about me. The tone of her “concern” was that there was something wrong with me for not wanting to be with her/at home. I’ve given up on trying to get her to see that she doesn’t accept me at all or truly care about me.  She just wants to seem like it because she wants  think of herself as a good person. She always manages to insult me when she’s expressing how she’s concerned about me. Saying I need to get help because otherwise I’ll turn into an “antisocial hermit” who is depressed.  In the beginnings  of these conversations I start to think that maybe she doesn’t Iove but  then she insults me or avoids talking about  own responsibility for this.

 

I just wanted to express all of this because it’s making me feel really isolated  and a little abused to be honest. When I leave, I will be made the bad person. She will never see that me not wanting to be connected to her is because I have no other option. It’s an act of self preservation. 

I feel so alone. I feel hopeless. It’s hard for me to accept that someone could not love me and it really not be my fault. That I could have truly just been powerless to my mother growing up. It makes me feel cheated of having a loving home. And it makes me feel abused that the blame is put on me, as if this is something I wanted or had a hand in creating. I didn’t consciously choose to be born into an unloving home.  I hate being guilted and shamed for wanting to leave it. 

Thanks for listening. 

Edited by Valeria333

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okay, each of us our god right? so each of us are a projection existing at a single point, but nobody is higher or lower, we are just a projection of god/source. So because everything you see outside of you is you and coming from within you you can create whatever YOU want, but we are all here co creating but that doesn't take away from the fact this is YOUR projection coming from within you, your heart is the guide in this projection and its individual for everyone, so nobody outside of you can tell you what's best for you if you are listening to your heart(higher self). Even when we are around people or you go on facebook any social media thing you are seeing other peoples projections their "truth" what they value, but it's nobody outside of you can tell you what's best for you if you are listening to your heart(higher self). Even when we are around people or you go on facebook any social media thing you are seeing other peoples projections their "truth" what they value, but it's THIER truth, not yours, you can pick and choose what resonates with you because it's your projection, you are god/source experiencing this life fully. When we don't love ourselves or listen to our heart(our compass) we allow people to be god for us, parents do this to us, the kids actually make the parents grow, they feel like god because technically they are god in the animal part of us, you love your parents so they have this control over you, programs of I know what's best for you, when your higher self knows what's best for you, not your parents that think they know what's best for you, so they will project all THIER fears onto you, THIER patterns they didn't heal within themselves. Mirror the fuck out of her, it goes both ways, yes they get triggered, but nobody is exempt from growth and expansion.

You are god, you are love, so listen to your heart and those conversations get heated but you grow 100% doesn't matter if they are your parents, they aren't god, they can program the kid to think that, but this is all you, your reality, you don't have to overlap their truth with yours at all. I hope that makes sense.

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