JasmineAmethyst

Now we've talked about childhood movies...what was your favourite movie at the 'end' of childhood?

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I absolutely loved reading Teal's blog post about The Dark Crystal, and hearing about all your favourite movies as children. For me, it was beautiful to look back into my inner child perspective and think about my favourite movie and my life purpose. But that got me to thinking - what movie was your favourite in your late teens? What movie carried you through and bridged the gap between adolescence and adulthood? For me, it was Fight Club. I first saw it the night after I lost my virginity, the summer of my junior year of high school. I remember falling in love with it immediately, the juxtaposing aesthetic between dark and light, the shifting of extreme violence and beautiful tenderness, and the Pixies...oh, the Pixies.

*SPOILER ALERT* Fight Club is about a man who feels lost in his life. He is dead to himself and to the world. He feels numbly depressed. Because of this, he develops insomnia and an inability to cry. So, he goes to the doctor hoping to be prescribed with meds but instead...is sent to support groups for diseases and conditions he does not have. At these support groups, he hears perfect strangers opening up about their cancer, alcoholism, divorces, and is so moved by their honesty and trust that he feels safe enough to cry. Revealing nothing about himself other than his pain, he feels liberated in being able to experience intimacy and connection on some level. This does not last long, as a woman named Marla Singer begins attending the groups and mirrors him completely - she is faking. He is incredibly resistant towards her, so much so they agree to divide the groups so as not to see each other. Shortly after this, our main character finds his condo set on fire, and meets a man called Tyler Durden. Tyler is everything the narrator wishes he could be or believes he should be - handsome, macho, tough, smart, capable and completely unafraid. Together, they vent their frustrations about the modern world and eventually decide to start an underground fight club. This brings men together just as the support groups did, but in a different way. They find connection in the middle of their aggression. One morning the narrator wakes up to find that Tyler has had sex with Marla. This causes a notifiable shift in him and he gradually distances himself from Tyler. Meanwhile, it becomes more obvious that Fight Club isn't solving anything, it is just another way to make people numb (as is the corporate world, this is no better). Tyler goes bigger, creating Project Mayhem, causing chaos to  greater society in the hopes of fixing it. The Narrator distances himself from this completely, but sees the consequences of his actions and begins feeling things like empathy and affection for the first time in the story. He also realises he is in love with Marla. He embarks on a quest to stop Tyler in his tracks, following his footsteps. Tyler finally catches up wih him, and revels, they are the same person. With this knowledge, he manages to stop the bombing and stop mentally projecting Tyler, and commit to Marla. 

The significance this movie had for me was our relationship to the Ego and how often we disassociate positive aspects of ourselves (like the narrator did) deciding we are not good enough for them - for me, I would see pretty girls and feel such an aching emptiness and longing, I would see charismatic people and feel a huge wistfulness, I would see assertive people and feel like dying. This disassociation creates a fractured self. We become dead to ourselves and to the world. People we feel anything for trigger us because they remind us of these aspects we reject in ourselves. Shadow and light. Additionally, this movie was significant to me because of the Freudian imagery and the Oedipus complex - the narrator often commented on Tyler and Marla (him and Marla) as reminding him of his mother and his father. His father had rejected him so naturally there is anger towards the mother and the father, but also a deep desire to impress his father. Also, the idea of polarities and opposites. And how they don't exist. It is all two sides of the same coin. Finally, what hit me was the ability to feel in a society that is embarrassed of feelings. The most beautiful thing I found in this film was that it displayed all these spiritual truths, many of them ugly, but did not offer a solution. Because there is no solution required. It is a message of unrelenting acceptance. It is about accepting the past, accepting your shadows, and accepting your mistakes. Accept every emotion and consequence and situation they entail with no judgement and learn all you can from it because then, and only then, can you fully let go. For me, this was the theme of the year that followed. I attracted situations that plunged me deep into shadow work, I became addicted to marijuana, I attracted fates I had resisted my whole life, until I came to a point of total and detached acceptance. I saw truths about my parents, about myself, and about my life in general and I began to feel whole. As if my childhood had wrapped a big ribbon around itself and it gave me a sense of completion. I allowed myself to fuck up, accept, and learn. And it was beautiful. So I am so grateful to Fight Club, my coming of age film. I feel ready to be an adult.

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