Fear of Intamacy? I push away guys who like me

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Fear of Intamacy? I push away guys who like me

When I was in high school I had started to get friendly with a boy in my band during football away games and such. Then I started to get the impression that he liked me and he started to ask me to dances. I am shy and don't have many close friends, so I had only 1 guy friend before this. It made me uncomfortable since I couldn't return his feelings and he finally confessed via text message after we graduated. Now in college, I became friends with another boy, who I felt close too and comfortable with. But then he confesses a semester later and I also can't return his feelings. 
It seems that when I'm confessed to, or get the impression they like me, it makes me uncomfortable and want to push them away. The last guy confessed in person and I said we could still be friends, but he is still getting too close for comfort. He messages me everyday with things like good night and how are you. To me that seems kinda like something a couple would do and I don't like that because we are not a couple. 

This one is kind of spiritual and we would talk about things. I noticed he is puts himself down a lot, so I introduced him to self love techniques and Teal and Alan Watts. He watched the video: how to connect with someone, and wanted to do that with me but I said no. That is scary to me with someone who I can't return feelings toward because he still likes me and I think even more now. I like to think that if it was a girl or someone who I know didn't have a crush on me, I could do it. Like with my best friend or mentor art teacher. 

I CRAVE intimacy, and my number 1 desire is finding my twin flame. However, I have this fear of intimacy, but don't know how to deal with it and why I respond to people who like me this way. I watched Teal's fear of intimacy video but I want it but I JUST DON'T KNOW WHY THE HELL I CAN'T DEAL WITH CRUSHES! Like how does that even relate cause I fell like I could get intimate and connect with someone if they weren't in love with me where I can't return their feelings... :(

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You say you deeply want intimacy but you say that you won’t let yourself have it.

It does not sound like you are talking about physical intimacy.  It sounds like what I think true intimacy is “into-me-see”

intimacy goes hand in hand with vulnerability.  You have to let the walls down.  Be wide open, like the sky.   Be unguarded, and undefended.  Let the person in.  However, you might need to respect certain boundaries.

There is a distinction between walls and boundaries.  It might seem like I am trying to make a distinction without a difference.  However there can be a difference.  Maybe you can be generous with your love and spirit in certain areas but not in other areas.  So let the walls down completely where you feel safe to do so, but respect your own boundaries and respect the boundaries of the other person.

If you feel afraid to let the walls down, I would suggest that you just imagine trying the “connection” exercise with the guy.  See how it feels when you imagine doing it.  It may remind you of something that happened in your past.  Some story from you past may pop up in your mind and you might wonder “why is this story coming back to me now?”.  But it might be your subconscious mind telling you about something you will need to resolve before you can truly let the walls down.

(I have a lot of speculation in my previous paragraph but it’s all consistent with “the Completion Process”)

good luck, I hope you find the intimacy you crave.

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