132 posts in this topic

Day 42 of 365 days of 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?' Restart

I don't know if it's the move, or my adrenals taking a couple steps back down, but I've been having trouble remembering to ask the question lately. I can tell I'm coping by the way I eat the same thing all the time, do the minimum to function, and procrastinate. I feel a dramatic decrease in my mood and confidence than roughly two weeks ago. The vibrance I felt is gone. I keep replaying in my head how I had recently told my mom for the first time ever that I was happy, and how far from it I feel now. I think it's time to ground again, and get out the marker and write 'WWSWLTD?' on my hand. I don't want to disconnect when I don't feel good because I know for me, it's coping and it's the opposite of self loving. If anything admitting to myself that I've sluffed on the question has allowed me to see the massive contrast in asking regularly and without. I don't feel guilty. I feel like this has been a learning experience in how my mind and body changes when I'm stressed. I'm back on the horse tomorrow.

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Edited by toemilyjune

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14 hours ago, toemilyjune said:

Oh, and look up Metaphysical Anatomy by Evette Rose. There's a Forum Post about this:  Persistent Skin Issues I'm familiar with the book. I'd love to own it.

"Love to own, she would. Not without but within she becomes."  
(typed in my best master Yoda impression I can muster...)

EJ would you like to own it? I am currently pushing against the wave of resistance form a book site so that I can send that same book to someone else I promised. The Universe has seen this site without a different delivery address to the account holder - shite site... and I am trying to re-instate the order with them after they cancelled it. Sheesh. If I find another book site to purchase from, would you like to accept it from me? My present to you EJ; after all you have given me.
By the way, this is a common practice of mine - I buy Teal's 3 books and give them away as well - easiest way to 'spread the word' so to speak.
But hers come from a much more easy book site than the one I am currently dealing with - shite site. In fact the two I regularly use don't have Metaphysical Anatomy - but I will keep searching for the best place. May the Force be with me...

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Day 43 of 365 days of 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?'

I feel dizzy and am having trouble thinking clearly. I wanted to say briefly that last night I felt free after admitting I wasn't asking the question as much as I'd like to. As soon as I pushed enter I felt a sense of relief, like I had clicked back into alignment. I even felt a little spunky as I prepared for bed. Today a lot of things regarding my move fell into place. I got to talk to some close friends which I enjoyed and even though there was a few bumps in the plan I wasn't worried. I had the thought everything is as it should be and a moment of that awesome feeling when you are doing the right thing for yourself and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks critically. 

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Edited by toemilyjune

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On 12/11/2017 at 11:19 AM, Crystal Rob said:

"Love to own, she would. Not without but within she becomes."  
(typed in my best master Yoda impression I can muster...)

EJ would you like to own it? I am currently pushing against the wave of resistance form a book site so that I can send that same book to someone else I promised. The Universe has seen this site without a different delivery address to the account holder - shite site... and I am trying to re-instate the order with them after they cancelled it. Sheesh. If I find another book site to purchase from, would you like to accept it from me? My present to you EJ; after all you have given me.
By the way, this is a common practice of mine - I buy Teal's 3 books and give them away as well - easiest way to 'spread the word' so to speak.
But hers come from a much more easy book site than the one I am currently dealing with - shite site. In fact the two I regularly use don't have Metaphysical Anatomy - but I will keep searching for the best place. May the Force be with me...

Pretty impressive you can buy books at such quantities to spread the word. My goodness of course I would accept it! It is a pricy book though plus shipping to Alaska. Either way I hope things get worked out with the seller. It sounds annoying. I felt so bad last night I forgot to press enter on my post and just saw it when I opened my laptop. I'm feeling much better today. Thank God! May the force be with you.

 :5761e0d592312_EmojiSmiley-120:

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4 minutes ago, toemilyjune said:

of course I would accept it!

So PM me please with address and phone number (Amazon request) - you can make it parents address or such to protect personal privacy.

Edited by Crystal Rob

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Day 44 of 365 days of 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?'

Numerology says the number 1 stands for new beginnings about self. Roughly two years ago I moved into apartment 1 and have a series of ones in my phone number address and zip code. I find it interesting on 12/12 I moved into apartment number 2. According to numerology number 2 is a duality number with human verses divine and polarity. 

I woke early to buy a couch before the movers arrived. They tried to stuff it through the door and even a two story window without success. My toxic furniture is gone. I can breath freely and I even made my money back on the couch that wouldn't fit as my grandmother's caregiver fell in love with it. It even suits him better than me. I guess our spirits were doing deals with each other in our sleep. The cable guy came. I got new art and lighting. Everything came together today with great timing. 

I find it peculiar that my neighbor underneath me has a mass on his pancreas, and three houses directly across the street are all empty, two due to death. I'm glad I moved farther away from the power lines. Energetically this place already feels so much more calm than the other unit. I must say I'm excited to see all this work finally come together. My fingers are crossed I can sleep in a bed tonight without feeling neurologically wired. If I do it will be the second time in two months of not sleeping on the couch. 

Isn't energy fascinating? The numbers we are drawn to and timing when something feels right. How events can snowball in alignment with mentality. Never before had I thought about harmful energy in the land. What about the spirits who communicate with us, and the astral traveling we do in our sleep? The concept of like attracts like is so deep and complex in it's simplicity, I find it utterly fascinating! I think I'll spend some time daydreaming of the way energy dances through my life right down to the crystals I sleep next to at night. energy-2.thumb.jpg.3e4e4bfc4940ce2ad71d8b45a0d8e215.jpg

Edited by toemilyjune

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Day 45 of 365 days of 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?' Byron Katie's The Work

I feel codependently enmeshed with my mother. I already hear her voice in my head regarding anything with money. The thought of me being added to her credit card stresses me out further. She overlooks every one of her purchases. I don’t want to live under a microscope and feel even more guilty if I buy something non essential. 

I want her to lighten up and stop being a cloud of stress over finances. It has compromised every area of her life. She lives unhappily underneath her 95 year old mother who hasn’t had to change anything about her surroundings, even though she no longer has the mental capacity to enjoy them. Meanwhile 20 years have passed taking care of her and she’s often so mean mom and her husband have conditioned themselves to avoid her. 

Take back your life and drag grandma with you! Buy a house somewhere and hire another caregiver. Betty is lovely but your husband hates her and she’s not irreplaceable. Company hired caregivers are unreliable with messy personal lives, unprofessional and expensive! Find cheeper care. Sell the house and move somewhere you want to. Stop allowing you and your husband to live a life suffering. 

Mom, I need you to make a change before the whole ship sinks and we all go under. Grandma is still alive and the money to support her is almost gone. We could loose almost everything. I need you to realize that your own happiness is worthy. Time is not unlimited. 

I think you are being narrow minded. You have already talked yourself out of every solution without ever having to seek advice from other professionals. You won’t allow someone else to help you carry this burden. You have power of attorney, and other than paying the bills you haven’t used it to maintain your own quality of life. I’m mad at you for allowing yourself to be a victim.

I don’t ever want to feel powerless to live my life because I am taking care of another person. I don’t want to feel like I’m walking on eggshells again. I don’t want to feel shame for doing little things that make me feel good. For anything that makes me feel good if I’m not doing it in a self destructive way. 

Is it true that I feel codependently enmeshed with my mother? Yes! Do I know its true? Yes! When I believe that thought I feel I am loosing my ability to ever be independent again. I’ll never move away, heal physically or emotionally from family drama. I’ll never get married or travel. I’ll live my life coping right beside them as an emotional and financial leach. 

When I believe this thought I don’t want to do anything to improve my quality of life because I feel like it’s already over before I’ve turned 35. I feel like a failure. I feel trapped. I feel angry. 

Without this thought I feel I can still shape my life how I want it to be. I can do pottery, make jewelry, live near the ocean and maybe fall in love again someday. I’ve been afforded an opportunity to heal and time to nurture new skills of my choosing to support myself. I feel so much lighter, like I’m not responsible for managing a house hold of peoples. 

The thought around to yourself, the other and the opposite listing three examples of each. I am codependently enmeshed with myself. Yep. I enable myself. I support my own life in front of the tv instead actively searching for new ways I can be financially independent. Sometimes I shut out my inner voice when it’s not what I want to hear so I don’t have to change. I’ve adapted some lazy thinking allowing my mother to make decisions for me to keep the peace and so I have someone to talk to. 

My mother is uncomfortably codependently enmeshed with me. She supports me financially when she doesn’t have to. She uses my friendship to enable her coping, instead of regularly going out or doing a hobby other than seasonal dog shows. She spoils me sometimes buying me a new laptop and cell phone. Well that one didn’t feel good. I don’t see a fault in her actions. She is the rescuer, but also a mother. 

I am not uncomfortably codependently enmeshed with my mother. I am using will power daily on an all fruit diet to heal so I can get my independence back. I have a support system for that outside of her. I’m doing this process and she doesn’t know about it! I have many interests she doesn’t understand and thinks is woo woo. 

Well, I’m done. I’m not sure If I did it right, but I answered all her questions. I don’t feel any better but I have come to the conclusion I am going to detangle myself a bit from the family. I’ll tell my mom I’ve decided against taking her credit card in my name, and I’ll get my own Costco membership. Maybe this way my voice of conscience will return when I decide buy something, or make a decision outside of coping. 

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Edited by toemilyjune

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A couple of thoughts for you:

-my approach to codependency might be overly simplistic but here it is.  Enabling another person’s self-destructive behavior is codependency.  But supporting and encouraging positive behavior is not.  Supporting and encouraging someone to be their best self is interdependence, and it’s a good thing.

 

Consider the following three levels:

-self-nurturing is good. We all need and deserve to nurture ourselves.  People who love themselves know that we need this.

-self-indulgence isn’t so great but once in a while, what the hell.  We can indulge ourselves once in a while.

-self-abuse and self-destruction is not good.  People who love themselves do not abuse or destroy themselves.

much love, 

Scot

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15 hours ago, toemilyjune said:

Mom, I need you to make a change before the whole ship sinks and we all go under.

Ah, a comment if I may - although this may not be the case, but Emily June, who pays for your apartment? You mentioned financial dependancy - is your apartment another example, like your grandma?

Scot has some valid points; I especially love the inter-dependance comment.
I will now emphasise the all-fruit diet is another way of resistance; and will leave you to ponder. Our bodies need certain trace elements and vitamins and we have evolved past the fruit diet as a species.
WWSWTLTD?
Examine and research all aspects of what it is to have a healthy diet and choose another way to meet your needs.

I hope this is taken in the spirit it is given in. 

And from me too, much love.
crystal Rob

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Day 46 of 365 days of 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?'

I realized I paid the wrong credit card last month leaving the one with the due payment in default longer than thirty days. I called the company to attempt to redeem myself but was already reported to the credit agency. I feel awful about this. After finding this out I wanted to tell my mother, call my sister and beat myself up for hours to days brewing in self loathing anger. I hung up the phone and thought about the question. Sitting on the couch in deep disappointment, I reflected over how this could happen. My answer was, it was an honest mistake which clearly flew by my radar as I only realized it today. I decided I fuel the fire of anger on this and discipline myself in shame to my family, or I could simply let it go. It sucks; I'm not going to lie, but it was an accident. A self loving person doesn't grind themselves in their own metaphorical mortar and pestle. They accept the things they can't change and move on. 

On another note, I've decided to step back from the tv. Recently I've watched Reign, True Blood and Six Feet Under. Each one got really dark in the last season with the killing off of main characters and even subliminal devil worshiping agendas. I've caught onto the theme and now I'm starting to feel guilty watching this stuff.  I don't have good balance about it either. I watch, I get invested, and I end up not doing things I want because I'm indulged in my escape. I finished the last episode of Six Feet Under, and they really dragged me through the mud emotionally. I was baling. What starts out as a simple distraction becomes an investment of time in life shaped by a team of writers whom often sluff off when they know a show is ending. It's not just about time, its allowing the shaping of the mind both consciously and subliminally.  I've been drawn to darker shows, like Dexter, Breaking Bad, and Vampire Dairies, but I don't need help being depressed, or shedding a few tears on my own. I'll watch a movie here and there but the shows are no longer taking over! With these last three shows, two of which I didn't even like, I invested a total of 11,141 minutes or 185.7 hours equaling a bit over seven and a half solid days of my life. As a woman learning to love herself, I've put my foot down.maxresdefault.jpg.321ad27031618641076e8f08db970cf4.jpg

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10 hours ago, Crystal Rob said:

Ah, a comment if I may - although this may not be the case, but Emily June, who pays for your apartment? You mentioned financial dependancy - is your apartment another example, like your grandma? My apartment is owned by my family. I didn't connect the dots here. 

Scot has some valid points; I especially love the inter-dependance comment.
I will now emphasise the all-fruit diet is another way of resistance; and will leave you to ponder. Our bodies need certain trace elements and vitamins and we have evolved past the fruit diet as a species.
WWSWTLTD?
Examine and research all aspects of what it is to have a healthy diet and choose another way to meet your needs. With all due respect, I have done a lot of research. Have you? This diet isn't forever, it's for cleansing, detox, and healing. 

I hope this is taken in the spirit it is given in. 

And from me too, much love.
crystal Rob

 

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Day 47 of 365 days of 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?' Color

With the tv off I found myself paying attention to things that inspire me. I chose the colors for my mother's newly remodeled bathroom, careful to complement the color of stone tiles, a granite sink top and the warmth of the wooden floor together. The bead board that now replaces 1960's pink and black tile will be painted a soft and classy color called Creme De La Creme. Above this a cool turquoise green with a touch of fog in it will cover the wall and the ceiling while flirting with a hue of accent tile in shower.  I love coordinating the dance of color with the elements. 

Next I went to the Bead Shack. It is my most favorite place in the city. It's run by a woman who travels the world buying fair trade beads from the families who create them. She is so full of inspiration and energy, conversing with everyone who enters her store and offering nuggets of creativity to those who seek it. She has a peace to her along with a psychic essence. With her long white hair, and radiance, she's in tune with the earth more than anyone I have ever seen. Clearly I admire her deeply. Anyways, I chose some colored chord to match the gemstone beads of a necklace I'm making for my grandmother.

My mother is making a table runner for my grandmothers caregiver. I was unexpectedly elated when asked for my opinion on fabric colors. When things weren't clicking with the confidence I need to make a final decision, we decided to go the fabric store. Her and I rarely go out together so it was a nice treat. Within ten minutes I had all new fabric picked out, each complementing the richness of its neighbor with golds sprinkled on white like delicate little fireworks, a warm lime, a bright red, and a vibrant poinsettia center piece with the the colors of its surrounding gathered in harmony. Beautiful things can happen when the tv is turned off.

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