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Day 268 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?'

I tried a foul tasting healing tea for my tummy even though I was scared of it. I attempted to negotiate a discount on ripe fruit with my local grocer. (Being a low fat raw vegan can be expensive if not planned craftily.) I got out of bed quickly even though I had a rough night. To my surprise, I followed a recipe for a nice dinner. I'm watching my expenses closely to be more responsible and I researched more about my future career and living a mobile lifestyle. If I list everything from this stand point it could be eye rolling tedious. I'll just say I'm having a lot more luck in phrasing my thoughts as "Because I love myself I'll...." I guess I've graduated in some aspects. 

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Day 269 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?'

After an hour or more of composing what I felt was the best appeal to my disability case, I pressed submit. The next screen informed me that my session had timed out. All my work was gone in one mouse click. No back button could revive it. I was stunned, miffed and and deeply disappointed all at the same time. After  a few seconds of processing, I opened a document and started typing from memory what I could recover. It took about ten minutes verses my first attempt. It's not polished, nor as articulated as before, but it's there for me to put together when I attempt again in the morning. Shit happens; I did what I could to fix it. In the past I would have made a phone call, complained and wallowed in victimhood. I may have dreaded doing it again to the point of not doing it at all. I want success more than I want sympathy. I see myself as more capable now. 

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Day 270 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?'

I'm going to sell jewelry and offer fun health tidbits on Instagram. @toemilyjune I'm excited to use a fancy camera and take pictures of beautiful things. Gotta start somewhere. 

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Day 271 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?'

My twin flame and I share a lot of qualities, both that I do and don't like. It's amazing to be understood without saying a word, and it's deeply comforting to be with someone someone that's in tune with you despite physical distance. While he's at work, he often knows the moment I wake, or when I'm having a hard time. His eyes are the color of my favorite gemstone, and coincidently he also enjoys finding these stones with me. Sleeping next to him is for the most part is comforting and recharging. He's gentle and sweet. Still, we have our challenges. 

He procrastinates; yep, I do that too for a number of reasons. I don't want to do something I think is uncomfortable. I've since found that I don't do something to the detriment of myself and I miss opportunities. It also tells my self esteem I'm not willing to do anything out of my comfort zone which gets smaller and smaller and my timidness grows. If I don't feel like doing something, it has become one more thing hanging over my head brining my energy down. 

This goes hand in hand with flakiness. His intention is to have this task completed so he sets a date without taking into account all the work it takes, not to mention his lack of energy and planning. For myself, when I had more life force I would make plans with friends, then feel intimidated by the unknowns and find myself experiencing immense relief in canceling them. I'd also have the intention of doing something, but wouldn’t schedule it only to forget shortly, and it would pass me by earning me a reputation for not following through with my word. 

He's been in eggshell controlling situations, and I too have been immersed in them with intensity. When on puppet strings for so long there is a sense of nagging from particular people, even when they’re not there. A defensiveness is created when being told what to do, even if advice is helpful and turns out for your best interest. We've both already been beaten down by people who ultimately see us as incompetent or didn't respect us. As such, resistance manifests as stubborn opposition. Decisions appear impulsive, foolish, or self sabotaging.

From a place of insecurity, with both verbal and physical gestures he will act in timid ways to come across as non threatening. In an attempt to be nice I’d avoid confrontation, even if the issue was to my detriment. I sometimes baby talk and play innocent like a child to be likable and cute. He'll flap his wrist, and I'll use sexual attraction to diffuse a situation or distract from my annoyance. These are coping mechanisms; it’s being accommodating on an intuitive level trying to be loved in conditionally loving situations. 

His teeth are in desperate need of repair and can not be hidden. My teeth now have cavities, are very sensitive accompanied by periodontal disease often giving me some rancid breath. We are both afraid to go to the dentist knowing what pain is sure to follow. He procrastinates talking about cost, and I put it off by trying remedies to heal my teeth naturally. 

When we dated 17 years ago at age 18 things were very smooth between us, however, I was more adverse to dislikes of what I perceived as weaknesses, not understanding he was a mirror for myself. Working toward self love I try to focus on the positive things about us both. When I am triggered by him I try to shift the attention back to myself to see how that quality manifests in me. Then I take myself out of my parental conditioning and put myself in his shoes with compassion. Communicating has challenged my stuff it down nature avoiding volcanic eruptions. We are on the same page, prepared to evolve together making him a blessing for a partner. 

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Day 272 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?'

I grew up in a highly controlled environment. I feel nagged over everything I do. Every decision I make where someone could see me, my inner defenses are up defending myself even when no one is there. What can I do to let this go?

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Hi EmilyJune,  

I think I have already seen you doing it:  do “the work”.   You know what I mean.

[edit]  

Hi again.  Actually I think I want to answer another way.  From my own personal experience, I know that I can drive myself nuts trying to figure things out.   My mind keeps on searching and searching for answers.  Now sometimes my introspections bring me to greater clarity but sometimes ruminating can make me more and more nuts.  So sometimes the answer is to stop ruminating.  (For me this is easier said than done)  

“The work” asks “how would it be if I didn’t have this thought?”   So I think my answer is to just change the behavior rather than trying to eliminate the reason behind the behavior.  

One of my bigger breakthroughs was when it occurred to me “Just because something happened in the past, that doesn’t mean I have to act some way now.”

Good luck.  Still hoping the best for you

Scot

 

 

Edited by Scot

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6 hours ago, Scot said:

 

I think I have already seen you doing it:  do “the work”.   You know what I mean.

 

You are absolutely right. Thank you. 

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Day 273 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?'

Work through your triggers to create more inner peace. Do something you actually want and love to do even if it's only for an hour or so. Soak up the sun. Lay in the grass. Connect with people who love you. Keep clarifying your business mission statement even though it's murky. Savor the food you eat and spend time in gratitude. It was a day well spent for me. 

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Day 274. I started dating my boyfriend on June 8th and by the 17th I was off raw binging on boca burgers and tamales. It was a junk food feast of vegan flavor enhancers until I got sick. I had more energy and slept throughout the night for the first time in years. I was happy and food was fun again. After my body rejected this way via anxiety attacks, weight and lethargy I switched to eating cooked veggies and beans at night. It was healthier. He's a great cook. We could bond through food. September 1st my body decided nope, I'm no longer going to let you sleep through the night. You don't get energy to leave the house anymore, and you have just enough brain power to eat and digest half of what you watch on tv. Now I'm back to raw eating fruit and celery in the middle of the night when my blood sugar plummets waking me with a sweaty nightmare and fear that lasts until sleep resumes. If it's going to pull the same shit with beans, I might as well be on a cleansing diet. 

Honestly I feel like dying. I fantasize about dying. I'm tired of regressing in health. It makes hope for the future seem like an April fools joke I stopped believing in. I've researched poisons and considered what I'd be willing to do to bring about my death. I think it would be holding my boyfriends hand, looking into his beautiful eyes and pulling a trigger. He isn't willing to do that. I'm not even going to bring it up. What's even more shitty is knowing I'd reincarnate into a life of suffering in some other fashion because I was too dense to get it right this time. Somehow in my exhausted state I'm supposed to overcome parental programming and fulfill my dreams. No one is controlling me anymore. It's all on my shoulders. It's all up to me. So fuck, at least for right now, I'll hold off for fear of the next lifetime being more torturous and lonely than this one. I'm so angry I haven't healed. I'm so angry when I look at my parents knowing I am walking right into their miserable shoes starting at an even younger age. When I think about being just intelligent enough to know that someone could find a way out of my situation but I haven't, that pisses me off more.

What would someone who loves themselves do? I don't fucking know. I'm so angry I could spit fire and scream in rage until I faint. Stay alive I guess. Endure another dark Alaskan winter in your moldy apartment. Gratitude journal and bypass it all away. 

 

Edited by toemilyjune

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Day 275. My latest kick doing The Work is addressing the record player of crap I tell myself. Ex 1. I'm just smart enough to want better, but not achieve differently. Ex 2. That person is successful because they weren't raised like they were an unworthy nuisance. Excerpt: I wouldn't get much done unless someone was riding my ass and I just wanted them off my ass, or get their approval. There were these breaks before I was on the radar for something getting my ass ridden and ridden and ridden, followed by the task completed. Next there would be the sacred silence where I would just lay low in sometimes a self sabotaging stagnation of recuperation from the stressful ordeal of someone down my throat treating me like I'm an incapable stupid child. That's how I grew up, and that's how the men I later dated would treat me. I didn't learn positive self talk or to be proactive and set a schedule and I later didn't have the self esteem to follow through with such a thing because subconsciously I wasn't worth achieving what I wanted anyway. 

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Day 276.

Sleep and adrenal fatigue. It's recommended you be in bed by the hour of 10pm for the reason the cortisol cycle is backward, and more wake up hormone is produced in the evening. If not, you're wasted tired in the morning and you may need to crawl throughout the day to get things done. Anyways, around 10:30/11pm the cortisol has a fresh release of fight or flight hormone pumping through me and I'm finally focused and ready for any task at hand. I'd lay in bed at 11 and be lucky if I was asleep before one. That adrenaline rush would hit and my heart would beat loudly as I lay there trying to zen out relaxing every muscle starting from my toes to my stiff neck. The days when one am would turn to three I'd be outright pissed. My blood sugar would drop and I needed to continue playing the eating game every two hours or so. If not, I'd either be too wired to sleep, or wake in an hour with a nightmare from low blood sugar. It's exhausting and enraging watching the sky get lighter knowing my whole day was going to be in suffering because I'd be too weak to do anything but eat. Suicidal idealization comforted the hate I felt for myself and my life the more this played out as normal. 

No one was going to tell me when to go to bed.10pm is unreasonably early. I make my own rules and I'm not a child. After some years, I met my partner who wakes up at 6:30am with his alarming alarm for work. He may turn it off, or have another set, either way, I was irritated until he got out of bed because otherwise I'd likely be too wired to return to sleep and only get three to four hours and a hangover. Instead of reflecting my bonfire rage onto him, I decided to go to bed earlier so I could wake earlier avoiding being startled. You know, also to prove that I am flexible, responsible and in control of myself. It turns out, it's true what they say about stimulating screens and heading the cortisol rush at 10:30. For a few days I had a routine and twice as much energy. I waited for it to fall off, and as soon as I got more lax on my bedtime that frustrating bullshit record started to play. The moral. My life has been a lot harder because of my emotional issues around control. Who knows where I'd be if I went to bed at ten pm roughly four years ago when I came across that information. Had I not met my partner, would I have ever found some relief? Now I'm at least aware enough to do The Work on why I was triggered by 10pm in the first place. 

Incase anyone is suffering from insomnia due to adrenal fatigue. I feel you. It's really hard, and those who don't understand would generally benefit you by not offering their opinions. Magnesium before bed helps relax me and stops the incredible aching legs. Theanine is not a sleep aid, but is used for focus. It's cheep, has no side effects, and works really well for the nights your mind is racing with to do lists in the dark. The deeper your fatigue the crappier your digestion. Wheat, grains in general and dairy are out for me. I feel totally hung over the next day, even if I did get sleep. Beans are hard on me too. Low fat raw vegan has given me the most energy, but I have to be laser focused on my mission and not feel deprived by what people are eating around me. It also takes some planning ahead shopping discipline to allow your food to ripen, and have it ready when you're binge ready hungry. A lot of adrenal fatigue is caused by the Epstein Barr Virus which also causes Multiple Sclerosis and Fibromyalgia and Rheumatoid Arthritis. It's curable, but you have to stop feeling it with it's favorite foods and detox it out. The book Medical Medium is invaluable and Dr. Morse is the master of detox. Perhaps it's not viral for you, The Adrenal Reset Diet is perfect. If one can work through their emotional triggers to follow a plan, this is curable and I've seen it done. May the force be with you. 

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Day 277 WWSWLTD? I'm strongly considering going public in video form with my Chronic Fatigue journey. It would be 100% authentic. None of this trying to look younger, thinner, or prove that I have things figured out when I don't. It will be a way for people to connect, and like this writing, a way for me to stay accountable being proactive doing the things I know bring forth healing.

I'd like to keep it lighter and motivating with useful information. I'd be documenting my trails with popular healing methods, like yoga and meditation, rebounding and different ways of detoxification. Things I've already tried, I'd do my best to tell my experience in under ten minutes. It's bold; it's very bold for me.

So far putting myself out here in the Tribe has brought me the safety of little recognition along with a few amazing friends, some dealing with similar health issues. I realize this is a strong part of my vibration, and I feel it's time I stop trying to deny and sweep it away. There are many struggling more than I am in isolation unable to function only exposed to their doctor's hopeless advice. I suppose I could be entertainment whether I heal or not.

I'm determined to be healthier so I can one day travel while digging up beautiful gemstones to make jewelry and have energy for passions. Do you see this as attempting to people please? What if I didn't succeed? I'd let a lot of people down. Am I prepared to air my biggest vulnerability to the world to be torn up by social media? Will this stress me out more and prevent healing? Would you watch this if it was filmed well in short episodes containing useful information and some occasional humor? What should I know?

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Day 278 WWSWLTD? Someone who loves themselves has the courage to step outside of their comfort zone and give an honest effort at something new. If it doesn't work, that skill can be used for something else in the future. This is what I'm telling myself right now. The fear is real, but I think the benefit to others and myself could far outweigh my potential humiliation. 

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Day 279 of What would someone who loves themselves do? Have you ever heard this saying by Jim Rohn? "You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with." It's been weighing on my mind heavily lately as I point the finger at my loved ones for making excuses, and procrastinating with a stealth defeatist attitude. When I do The Work (by Byron Katie) for these irritations I realize I have acted this way my whole life! I knew I had triggers such as irresponsible, lazy, slob, selfish, etc, but I didn't realize how they were shaping my behavior as I tried not to embody them. 

For example, to avoid being irresponsible I wouldn't take on any responsibility any more than I had to. To not appear lazy I would dress and shower before walking across the parking lot to see my family. I largely don't own comfortable clothing, because sweat pants are for the unemployed, and that's awful. God forbid I thought for myself and had boundaries, being selfish is the devil! Anyways, I did The Work and further uncovered more coping mechanisms from childhood I was carrying into adulthood, complete with non threatening baby talk. True to the law of attraction a productive person could call me all these labels. What you resist persists. 

I'm turned off by Netflix so I've been tuning into YouTube instead. Eamon and Beck and Sara and Alex, are both entrepreneur couples enjoying life with abundant travel and well managed finances. Max and Lee are also a traveling couple. Instead of leaning on Max's money, Lee flew home to Canada to waitress for a couple months to save $12,000 to support herself. Everyone has a confident positive, no bullshit attitude and I began to see how my way of thinking was in serious contrast. It was so nice to feel inspired, I'd watch more and more further opening my awareness to my complacency and my roles within my closest network.

If you are trying to change your life, I'd consider this: the people you spend the most time with determine the bulk of your conversations along with common attitudes, behaviors, and notably results. They shape who you are, because eventually you start to think and behave like them. Who are you most involved with? Who do you admire? If those two groups of people aren't the same, why? I appreciate and love the handful of people in my life, but I'm realizing I want different for myself. Energy flows where attention goes. I'm going to keep that in mind as I'm building my business, daydreaming of my future and focusing on those I admire. 

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