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Day 231 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?'

Allow yourself to be happy. 

 

Day 232 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?'

Show your true colors. 

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Day 235 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?' 

I am hyper aware of how my insecurity appears to me as controlling or distancing. On one hand, sexual harassment can be a way to bond with your partner and tell them you are attracted to them. On another, it can also be a way to reduce intimacy and unintentionally create a degree of separation. If my partner is quiet and I fill the space with an opinions, I feel like I'm dominating and I don't like it. There is no power play between us, but I'm afraid I'm creating one. What if now that I am not dating a narcissist I turn into one in this subconscious quest for dominance my conscious mind cares nothing about? I don't want to recreate the dynamics of my family. I'm enjoying how in tune and nurturing we are. Still, I catch myself wanting to judge as a defense mechanism so I have an excuse to pull away from a perfectly matched fated partner. WWSWLTD? Be grateful for your awareness. Communicate how you feel. Address your fears from fragmentation with compassion. 

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Day 236 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?' 

There are so many things I wish I didn't say because they could come across as insensitive or hurtful. If half the shit I said was said to me, I would be hurting and weary of that person. How does one go about changing how the've communicated for 30+ years? Other people tell me they don't mind, but I do. I feel out of alignment. The way I can effectively change this is to have a paradigm shift. Does anyone know of a good book I can read on the topic?

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practice Ho’oponopono, instead of saying something you feel would be insensitive or hurtful -

https://www.laughteronlineuniversity.com/practice-hooponopono-four-simple-steps/

I'm saying this as you said -

Quote

you felt out of alignment

With Ho’oponopono, you address the feeling, but you do not fall for criticism, insensitivity or being hurtful - you heal and stay in alignment

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Day 237 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?' 

Create a routine so you can keep up on things important to you instead of coping moment by moment. 

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Day 238 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?' 

I had a psychological evaluation for disability today. Pretty hard to tell the government the things I write on Teal Tribe. I feel like they will twist things against me and somehow hurt my opportunities for the future. I'm wondering if this is a legitimate fear, or if this is residual stuff from being a teenager in a group home and from a family with such a heavy control dynamic. 

The appointment wore me out. I've got a headache. I'm so tired I want to do die, and damn I'm in a bad mood. I'm angry for backsliding in my health now that I have the perfect man to travel the world with. I want to get better, my body says what my father told me as a child, "haha it's good to want things" in the tone that says keep dreaming because you're never going to get it. 

I've got a couple years before he's ready to leave the state, but then he will have realized what ongoing life with a tired woman is really like. Patterns tell me some fucked up shit will always keep me from healing. There won't be that trip to Greece and I'll be lucky to drive forty miles away for the rest of my life. Why do I keep hoping when I watch myself continually fall? It makes me so angry.  

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Day 239 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?' 

Believing in my worth and hope for the future has brought me a man that brings me joy even on my dark days. It wouldn't have him if it weren't for this work and so I feel I owe it to both of us to keep going. Change is on the horizon, I can feel it. He is moving closer. I'll finally have an answer for disability. I'm close to paying off a credit card and if I sell my car could be debt free. It's possible there is a white picket fence in my future, although temporary before the long awaited move leaving Alaska for warmth and more daylight. I dare to dream through internal messages of hopelessness.

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Day 240 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?' 

God I'm really struggling with this lately. I've bared my vulnerable soul to one person and now it feels like overexertion to do for the world. Nearly everything I type sounds wrong to me, like I'm bragging or complaining, or just waisting someone's time with long winded processing. I started this to hold myself accountable, not attempt to help others, but anymore it seems like I want to bring something to the table or not say anything at all. I don't want to be a guru, just say something worthwhile. 

What's going on in my life is not an accurate portrayal of WWSWLTD. I'm off my healing diet and just laying around waiting to be swept away by the love and security my partner brings. I'm very happy with him, but I'm still coping. I'm still insecure, and don't know how to thrive. I still have blocks on doing things that would benefit me, or I find important. I don't know why with all that I've learned these things won't change. It's the true definition of what makes me feel like a failure. 

Thinking of it just makes me mad and feel trapped by parental programming I'll never break. It's that victim complex creeping in I refuse to embrace. I ask the question for this and the answer is to go to bed earlier and get back on track with my diet so I have the mental capacity to attempt change. Now it's something I want, so naturally I won't do it. Could this be from not asking my parents for anything because I knew I wouldn't get it, or be mocked for wanting it? Who cares where it came from. I want over it. 

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Day 241 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?' 

Take the pressure off with your list of shoulds and acknowledge the need for both a mental and physical break. I'm not lazy dammit! It was drilled into me as a kid not to be with an excessive amount of daily chores etc, but when I find that I'm not catching up from being exhausted there is a list of things I get done. The trick is having that list not overdo it. Damn this guilt from brainwashing that has nothing to do with me. I'm aware of you, now go away!

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Hello Emily, 

It's been a while since your last update. Are you doing okay? Just checking on you

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Day 242 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?' 

I am in heaven with my partner. He is attentive, kind, not controlling, and accepting. His words are like poetry whispered in my ear either lifting me up or turning me on. The chemistry is indescribable and reaching psychic levels. The sex is beautiful, raw and vulnerable. It's what Dido is singing about in Here With Me. Each day my confidence in our connection grows more unshakable, yet I still have my insecurities. I still have deep fears of rejection when stepping outside my comfort zone. I push myself to speak the most personal things verbally, but in other forms of expression I am still challenged. I'll cover myself if I feel I'm in too unflattering a position. I've even backed out of a room multiple times to cover my not so lifted behind. Does he care? Most likely not. When he wants me to lead I turn to putty in fear of my inadequacy. Suddenly I'm an insecure girl putting on the breaks for what could be some amazing moments. Now I know to my very core that confidence comes from within. It's not from the perfect partner, fancy car, flattering dress at the ideal weight, money or any external thing. A shot of alcohol wears off just like the glam of materials. I feel like I've said this before, but the lesson for me is worth repeating, and is why I will continue this process after a lapse. 

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In my opinion, your process is doing such great things for you.  It’s amazing.

i just finished a course called “Coming Home to yourself” by Sarah Blondin on an app called Insight Timer.  You are doing so well, I think, but you really might enjoy this course.  It’s 10 days of “clearing dust” from our hearts, minds, opening up to feelings and coming home to ourselves.

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Day 243 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?' 

I need what I can not attain. I long for a satisfaction that I can not sustain. It rots inside me without external expression consuming me as I lay stagnant and unmotivated. Take me away from this, cure me, fill me, let me live again. If this is it then it is to suffer enjoying moments of beauty in between uselessness. One internal thought ruins me, my health, my ambition, my dreams. You're not good enough; because you want it, it can not be. Smart enough to see it but not change it. I wade in the guilt for not doing differently. I could. I should. I would. Fill me, give me the energy follow through and believe in myself.

Days pass into weeks months and years and I'm just laying here wishing for change. I slowly stop dreaming of the possibilities and accept this in resentment as my reality. I'm jealous of others accomplishing things, judging, what makes them better than me. A silent hate brews masked by despair. I'll give into a blessed cursed life supported by another or maybe I'll just die unlovable without care. Limbo reeks especially with moments of ecstasy reminding me of how how life could be.

I whine like a child exhausted and resentful for the way I feel off my healing diet. No temper tantrum will make my body function like another eating and living the way they live. Infections, pain and listlessness leave me laying in bed all day just waiting for him. Now I see I'm burning out. He has his own challenges and can not rescue me. I see beyond my hormones and judge him for my own insecurity. Triggered. Is this right? The most magnificent scenario would be flawed and cause for worry in my mind. Out of the hole I strive questioning the thinking that landed me here in the first place. 

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