372 posts in this topic

Day 217 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?'

Intimacy is letting someone I'm interested in more than sexually read these posts. It's holding still in the silence and allowing myself to gaze into his mesmerizing eyes. It's saying how I feel no matter how long I've brainwashed myself to do the opposite. I'm sharing memories, the good, and not so flattering. To me it's letting him see my body without apologizing for my imperfections. It's knowing he can interpret the exact meaning of my touch and doing it anyway. It's not hiding; It's overcoming fear, knowing rejection can occur. Every day we grow closer I'm more aware of how insecure and suppressed I've been and I'm given the opportunity to challenge myself to change. 

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Day 219 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?'

My world has changed so much. My days were spent alone with nothing to look forward to and now I have a beautiful person in my life. He's nurturing in his words, in his touch and especially in his gaze. His kisses are finished novels in feelings and by reciprocating I find no way to hide from him as I've hidden from everyone before. Defensive behavioral patterns are an insult to what we share and I work to explain myself and eliminate them. I had no idea how much I pushed people away whispering half sentences under my breath and saying never mind when I was too afraid to speak. Cover this, watch that angel, don't let him see that. This record plays in the background as second nature dampening the amazing. He doesn't do this to me at all. His body is there to see, his smile is genuine and unashamed. He's relaxed and it makes me want to drop the bullshit and meet him with the same respect he's giving me. Someone who loves themselves comforts the fractured aspect that guards and encourages her to be brave for something real.

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Day 220 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?'

I'm awake late making out. I've lost my apatite and am relying on herbs to sooth my stressed adrenals from the lack of sleep and major calorie deficit. I'm happy, wicked tired and my body is stressed. I'm taking ten concoctions three times a day and was full on expecting to be detox a lot worse than I am now. I struggle to get grounded, go to sleep and stay asleep even without a naked man beside me. When he's gone I'm minimally functional in recovery until about 3:45pm then he arrives at 4:30. I'm content. I'm overwhelmed. I don't want to change a thing. My posts are behind and guilt is taking over as I realize I need to somehow nurture myself better. Must withdraw from him; miss him and want him here now.  Someone who loves themselves would plan out her self care including her bed time, food, writing and water intake. Seek balance more adamantly. 

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Day 221 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?'

He asked me to be his partner and I said yes. 

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Edited by toemilyjune

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Day 222 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?'

I've found my twin flame. Lists of things we have in common could not convey the certainty I feel. We could have a fulfilling relationship through intuitive touch, but easy open communication makes it even deeper and exciting. Both of us are in foreign territory knowing the other is genuinely as smitten in feeling. He says he loves me and I say it back. I know it's fast, but nothing has ever felt so right. All of my effort to slow down is erased after seeing him, and parting is truly difficult and time consuming. He handed me a hand written letter bearing his beautiful soul and I am honored by the courage of his open heart. I never dreamed I would feel this. If the worst pain follows, it was worth it. I fucking love you and everyone knows it as they roll their eyes and continue to scroll.

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Day 223 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?'

I am evidence that happiness can come over night and it doesn't require perfect health, a fit body, or money. Written on the 11th at 11:11pm. :)

 

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Day 224 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?'

I feel content to the point to where I don't want to write. I'm so vulnerable now in a romantic relationship, putting myself out here feels like overload on the scale of openness. Never the less, I have committed to this process and am determined to keep going. I want to put my best foot forward. I'm still struggling with some aspects of self love when I see my body in the mirror and imagine all the angles in which someone else has seen it more intimately than me. Lets face it, I'm not showing my double chin in the mirror. I'm not seeing action from behind in the same way when I'm looking over my shoulder. Let's just not even get into the concept of lighting. 

When I moved back to Alaska, the place I was born and attended college I stumbled across my biggest puppy dog crush online. Here was a man I nearly stalked for semesters. The magnetism was wicked strong, but I imagine I was one of many he was open to. There was this moment I was walking to class on the second floor and happened to pear over the railing. I saw him just below and then a twinge ran through me when he tilted his head back making eye contact. Fast forward some 15 years and we're sexting with photographic references. I didn't have the courage to reciprocate on the same level photographically, partly because I knew he didn't want me. He wanted what I could give him and that was a turn off. Still I was very giddy and knew I could fulfill what I had once longed for with a permissive sentence. 

Call it the initial stage of self respect after a major heartbreak the year before, or lets me super honest here. Half of the reason was I didn't want him to see me in a state less than my best. I wanted tight thighs a thin stomach and stamina. I could not conceive of how painful his rejection could be if he saw something he didn't like and I was in no way prepared to be vulnerable with him. I was just enjoying the hunt. I started to run and strive for the body I accepted. Shortly after I had a crash in my health that forced me to stay stagnant to recover. We stopped talking, I disappeared. 

Hidden self loathing took care of that scenario and now I find myself playing similar thought processes with an ideal partner, even after 200 days into this process. If he see's all of my physically he will be disappointed. He could loose interest and ultimately leave.  I once argued with an ex trying to prove my point. Why me when you could have someone prettier with the same personality traits? I guess a man ready to sleep with you is just focused on his mission. Maybe I overestimate their standards. I'm just terrified of rejection from someone I actually want. WWSWLTD? Suck it up and follow your heart and not your ego on this one. Your partner isn't perfect, but his confidence and vulnerability is one of the sexiest things you've ever seen. 

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Day 225 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?'

The songs of the past play in my dreams like warning signs for waking life. I'm committed to my relationship yet find myself in situations where I'm close to another man crossing the lines of body space and not setting boundaries. Then I switch to watching my guy do the same thing. A woman wants him and he's just taking things moment by moment maintaining his silence. The feeling of the events are so real I wake somber with a message to affirm my morals in this partnership. Deeper yet, the dream reveals I'm pushing him away due to fear of intimacy falling out from under me. I'm playing him down and shrugging our feelings off just the same as I did when we dated all those years ago. It's a gentle reminder telling me not to take the path of sabotage like I did as a teenager. WWSWLTD? This is a self trust issue. Do The Work or have a talk with the fractured aspect of yourself in fear.

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Day 226 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?'

I want to talk to the aspect of myself ready to push an amazing partner away. 'Present.' How old are you? 'I don't know early double digits.' How do you feel? 'I remember the time when I was 14 and sent to stay with my aunt and uncle and three cousins in a loving home. I was provided for and treated with kindness, yet at the same time it was like they couldn't fathom that I had just come from living with a 21 year old cleaning and doing my best to provide for him in a wifely capacity. When I arrived to family I told them everyday "you don't want me." As a family respecting my wishes they thought I didn't want to be with them so they sent me away after two weeks. I was only testing them. I was so happy. It was a big adjustment. I then went to a miserable situation with my father ultimately resulting in my running away. I didn't get how they could accept me. I couldn't accept how happy I was for the first time ever laughing myself so hysterically on a typical night at dinner I would loose a bite a food with my eyes watering. I didn't want it to end, yet I prepared for it, and it did. I returned to what I knew, a life of struggle and suffering responsible beyond my years.' 

That sucks Emily. I understand why you are so guarded now. Your heart was broken again, and by a situation you idealized. Hugs. Sit with me for a moment. Consider, neither your aunt or uncle knew how to communicate with you. Just because they gave up before trying doesn't mean something was wrong with you. You were starved for unconditional love and didn't know how to receive it. Any amount of research would have told them that. Do you believe me? Do you believe it's not your job to be perfect and know everything at 14? 'I guess, if you put it that way.' Can you see now that they made a mistake? 'Now, ok. Maybe.' Let's talk about your guy for a minute. The beautiful man that calls you his love and his partner. How do you feel about that? 'Like it's going to end quickly so I better find faults now so it's not so fucking painful.' I see. What if the very act of finding faults causes you to pull away and it ends sooner? 'I don't know, it's too good to be true. Something is going to change soon. I'm just preparing for it now.' Ok. I hear you, I'm listening. This man isn't your parents divorcing. This man isn't your uncle sending you away. This man isn't another emotionally available insensitive person you have to guard yourself from. Do you feel the truth in this? 'Ok, yes, whatever. Stop pressuring me.' Mule it over love. It's actually a really wonderful thing to believe. 

 

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I have a book called “The Emotionally Absent Mother” and I have done some of the exercises.  One of them is exactly what you just did:  write a dialog with yourself to give your younger self the acceptance she needs (needed).    

Good for you Emily. 💚

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Day 227 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?'

How do you identify self harming patterns in a new relationship? 1. Do this process. 2. Date the perfect man and watch your brain run through all the self conscious chatter it does when dating one less than ideal. How do I know he's a keeper? I dream about cheating on him to prepare my waking self to push him away. Now at least I can see this repetition for what it is. Insecurity. The following repeats in all my new relationships. I'll start off by buying a couple pieces of new clothing, because I want to feel a bit more comfortable in my presentation, because God forbid he thinks I'm a sloppy dresser. I'll let my routines fall to the waste side and loose a lot of sleep being with and thinking of him constantly. I eat indulgent things that don't make me feel good because I want to fit in, and decompress from the stress of how I'm being perceived, and my world being getting in a new direction.  Normally I'm on alert learning about the other person, what they like and don't like and shifting my behavior as such. Not this time, It's all hanging out in the open. I then take my experiences of bullshit narcissistic conditional love and analyze my partner briefly as an extension of myself. Does he define me in a way I want to be seen? Is he strong emotionally, physically, and does he have his shit together presented nicely on the outside. It's conditioned insecurity from my parents; the fear of rejection at it's finest. 

Since I wrote the first half of this days ago, we've grow even closer in a way I've never experienced with anyone before. I am very different with him than in past relationships. It's just so easy. We are at peace, relaxed and excited. I am through caring what my parents and other people think of him or us together. He's kind and nurturing and if that reflects a softer side of me in my choice of him, I'm ready to accept that. No snide look, or outside comment could come between us. I could just brag until you vomit, but I'll refrain and answer the sacred question. Someone who loves themselves sees they are worthy and has the strength to follow through with different choices to break unhealthy patterns. They may initially be difficult, but a little faith will prove that you are better than ok and can both show yourself authentically and tend to your needs without worries of abandonment or rejection. Take a deep breath and feel warmth in his gaze, the genuineness in his heart and take the steps however big or small to get your shit together. He's not going anywhere. 

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Day 228 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?'

I watched Earthlings, and after 11 months of being vegan for health reasons, I decided to explore the ethical ones. Some images will remain with me like scars. I feel confident that my meat eating days are over. Lucent on Youtube ruined my once idealizations of bacon. I was living in a state of ignorance that I can't go back to. Now I'll be one of those people I once snickered about who doesn't buy leather and further scrutinizes seemingly random ingredients. Whatever, I've had a paradigm shift since those days and I can honestly say this choice is in alignment with my compassion. I'm not going to kill a cow and butcher it so why would I eat it slaughtered in private, when it's been raised on genetically modified feed, and chemicals, while living a tortured confined life for a brutal death. To each his own. With all the abundance in food surrounding me, it's not necessary.  

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