344 posts in this topic

Day 190 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?'

Can you please tell me what I can do better to make this campaign succeed?¬†1f64f.pngūüôŹ¬†I'm in a rough situation and thought tagging 14 of my family members was a good idea. It went ignored. I don't want to focus on how that reflects poorly of their opinions of me, I want to focus on what's important.¬†2b50.png‚≠ź¬†I'm not asking for your money, although greatly appreciated. I'm asking for your critical perspective.1f4aa.pngūü홬†Your comments are a gift that could lead to my freedom. Thank you for your valuable time and your support.

https://www.gofundme.com/cleanairforemily

Edited by toemilyjune

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Day 191 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?'

It's 1am. I've been obsessing for countless hours over how to improve my campaign. My body is telling me to stop. I've faltered on my diet, taking my herbs and sleeping before the sun comes up. It's time to leave it alone, say a prayer and trust in the universe. 

https://www.gofundme.com/cleanairforemily

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Day 192 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?'

For the past few days I'd place a bet there was something going on astrologically. I went from survival mode into crisis mode unable to sleep and questioning my judgement on things I thought I was certain about. To elaborate, in the past if I wasn't making enough money I would change jobs. If I couldn't see a potential for growth or happiness I would move. I moved a lot. Between bouncing between parents, homeless stints of house hopping and changing roommate situations roughly four times a year, I once counted sixty places. Even with Chronic Fatigue I've still managed to move from one apartment to the next. So, it's clear I have this established pattern. 

When I started developing chest pain and crazy allergies I thought it was detox symptoms only to be confirmed by the Dr. Morse clinic and the health group I'm in that it's not. I was urged to do a mold test and although not a petri dish full, it was positive. My mother didn't react when I told her. My walls are leaking and the chair I was sleeping next to had black mold on the bottom of it. I showed her pictures and she just shrugged it off, even after my step father casually accepted it to be the case as the roof is rotting. Anyways, somewhere I started doubting myself. Am I making this up because I want to move?

When it was clear my mom wasn't going to help if she wasn't going to acknowledge what I was going through, I wrote a plea on gofundme and worked on it until 6am when I finally was able to sleep. I tagged 14 family members all but two of which ignored it. Then I really started to doubt myself on the next level. Why is no one listening to me? Am I a toxic person? Am I the drama queen that everyone rolls their eyes at because they never have anything positive to say? Is my judgement really off and I don't know it? I have never doubted myself more in my life. The feeling is so uncomfortable. It's like being rejected and finding out you're crazy all at once. I spent the next day changing my campaign unable to wind down until 4am, and the day after practically deleting and starting over, awake again until 6am. I just couldn't handle the rejection and wasn't taking failure as an option.

Luckily I have recently learned to listen and not have a prepared counter argument in my head to everything someone says. That was handy when I went balling to my sister feeling like a crazy person. I was able to ingest when she said it doesn't matter what anyone thinks, or if you know the true source of the irritant. You know you have declined and it's best for you to go. This isn't just another case of running to solve my problems. Being in a state of need and my panic from being ignored taught me a valuable lesson I thought I had already learned. I was still relying on the judgement of others before my own and I'm still learning the confidence in making decisions right for me. I believe it was gaslighting in the form of a test from the universe to see if I genuinely believed in my capacity to take care of myself without first seeking approval from others. 

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Day 193 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?'

Spend some time in gratitude. I'm so grateful that doors can open even if you don't see how and where. I'm so thankful for the people who have supported my campaign and even reached out to say hello. I'm tickled my mom loved her birthday present from me and thought it was the best gift ever! I'm grateful I got to leave the house for more than two hours. I went to Organic Oasis to have some soup. I didn't like it so the owner voided my transaction and gave me something different for free. I gave him the dollar I'd found on the ground some 30 minutes earlier. I'm grateful I managed to stay away from some major food temptations during a time of stress. I talked to my sister, and my friend in California and actually felt like it was possible for me to see them soon. Thing can change quickly. As I say every time I write about gratitude, I'm grateful that this focus can clear the clouds and bring out the sun in my mentality in mere moments. I enjoy basking in this space. 

 

Day 194 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?'

Address your feelings of being deprived. It's a filter on most of my decisions which keeps me swimming in the vibration of lack effecting my ego's ideas about my value.

Edited by toemilyjune

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Day 195 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?'

My cup overfloweth with gratitude today. Friends and strangers helped me buy an air cleaner on my gofundme campaign. I got to spend a little time with my grandmother who seems to hate everyone except for me because I am nice to her. I washed the overwhelming pile of dishes I had, vacuumed, and made green juice. I found out that the famous raw foodie Tanny Raw had hypoglycemia when she offered tips on how she cured it in a unique way from others on the 80/10/10 diet. I've slept more soundly for the last couple days. My campaign has brought me hope for the future and shown me the universe is listening if I want something bad enough. I'm working on a cover video to post for it. I'm so shy, it's the first time I've ever put myself out there so openly. Me writing the intimate details of my life is safer, because you can't see me. You see my profile picture and the face of someone who is smiling and fitting in with the rest of your friends. I'm dropping some shame and throwing caution to the wind. Wish me luck. 

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Day 196 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?'

Stop pushing myself so hard. My father is not riding my ass anymore; I am. Look at where we both are, far from thriving with that mentality. 

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Day 197 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?'

I'm content in the fact I am doing the best I can now while continuing to expand my knowledge for the future. 

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Day 199 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?'

I am so self conscious. If I put myself out there to someone and don't hear anything from them rather quickly. My first reaction is to write them off and not speak to them anymore. I am hypersensitive to getting hurt, yet at the same time seeking other's honest opinions for validation. One could say it's controlling to expect a response from a close two or three people, but isn't that what closeness is? From my perspective, I'm hanging out to dry questioning my own judgement with my reputation on the line. I don't see that you are working, spending time with friends or otherwise not ignoring me. I don't have a life other than living on the couch.

I realize that the video I am making for my campaign has turned into this multipurpose mission. Goal one, see that I am really suffering day in and out and I'm not living the high life in front of the tv. Goal two, to reiterate goal one, no I'm not making it up. Goal three, if you donate, somehow I have it in my head that means you believe me. You see me and as such I deeply appreciate you. My value and worthiness to be seen is tied up in a campaign. If I it's without activity I feel the same silence I do from my narcissistic mother and I question my sanity. There's Emily, (eye roll) she's a little crazy. I picture you blowing me off and this makes me try harder and harder to be liked and accepted. If I could just make a better campaign video. If I just posted it at the right time. If the background wasn't black, if the it was shot horizontally. If people liked me, I wouldn't be failing. 

I know, this isn't self love. If you've been reading my posts for a while, you'd see I've been struggling for a long time, unable to work watching the seasons go by hoping I will recover and join the world of the living. I haven't done a whole lot of changing in the past six months. Right now I'm still getting slapped with realizations with how dysfunctional my thinking is and those I'm immediately surrounded by. This process has been a whopper of a wake up call and as a consequence I've been questioning my judgement left and right. It seems natural to continue what I've always done and check it against people around me. Honestly, that just makes me feel crazier. The lesson is sill to not tie my worth into other people, opinions and objects. My opinion matters and I'm allowed to be different without being crazy. 

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Day 200 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?'

Recently I said that I was overwhelmed by all of the information I’ve learned from the process, and had not made changes. That's really not true. Here’s my long winded recent example. In the last week three different men from the past have friend requested me on Facebook and I made decisions using my new knowledge. 

The first guy is very pretty. He works out, is 12 years younger and wants to sleep with me. When I met him at a bar he took me under his wing after seeing how shy I was. I was flattered at the time, but after the second encounter was turned off by the late night texts, and his continual conceited verbiage. I know now he’s a narcissist. It doesn’t make him a bad person, but I don’t want to add more after I deleted this dynamic from facebook. 

The next guy is hot! I clicked on his profile wondering why he looked so familiar and also because well, he’s hot. The next day I got a friend request from him, so I checked him out again. Ding! I had a conversation or two with him for the few days I was on a dating website. He sent me dick pictures and I learned pretty quick he was too vulgar for my taste. Sorry hottie, decline. 

The third was a guy a dated when I was about twenty I think. He’s never put me down, and in fact I think the relationship ended because we were so similar. From then on I pretty exclusively stayed with  hard headed controlling types I fought the whole way. Accepted, and I have to say I feel lucky we found each other again. 

Me before the process would have accepted! The more the merrier, and lets flirt until you can possible talk me into seeing you while accepting my many flaws that you’ll have to put up with. It was the meek mouse mindset under my tough exterior. That is just so not me anymore. Being disrespected in the old ways I was aware of, along with the new ones, is a big turn off. I’m not looking to date. I’m not desperate, and even though I’m still squeamish in areas of my self worth, my standards are higher!

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Day 201 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?'

Make a change for my own sanity. Bitching about the way things are doesn't bring me any relief. I spent too much time alone and have a routine of not having a routine. This is the age of the internet. I may spend the majority of my life on the couch but I am capable of making money. I will feel a whole lot better about myself if I am not financially dependent on my family. It's the biggest damper on my self esteem feeding my feelings of being trapped in Alaska. My gofundme campaign was created out of desperation, but allowed me to plan exactly what I would do if money were not an issue. That got me hopeful for the future and is lighting the fire under my ass to get creative with income opportunities. I am not a victim, not even to Chronic Fatigue, at least not at this stage. The task is to believe deep in my subconscious that I am worthy of fulfilling these dreams and not putting them down a week later to settle back into hopeless complacency. 

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Day 202 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?'

I was so triggered over being ignored that I called the Byron Katie Helpline and did The Work. Infuriated, I wasn't getting any resolution on my own, I was ready for angry confrontation. I avoided that, and feel I handled it in a healthy way without shooting myself in the foot. 

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Day 203 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?'

I'm going to be very honest. I am here anyways, but I find myself wanting to prove that this process is working more than not. The last three days I've been eating cooked food. I found a way to stabilize my blood sugar by eating vegetables with fruit allowing me to go longer between meals. Enjoying my break from constant eating, I let my trip to the grocery store lapse. I opened a can of beans and mushrooms and grabbed the salt shaker. The dishes piled in the kitchen taking over the counter space until they were left in the living room next to the couch where I live and sleep. The trash fermented. I stopped brushing my teeth. I didn't even want to go into the kitchen because it meant I had to clean something.

My first thought upon waking was yuck I need to brush my teeth. Then I would lie there and switch back and forth from Facebook to Instagram in utter torturous boredom until I'd been awake two hours and my blood sugar called me into the kitchen to irritatedly wash something to eat with. The first day of my spiral my mindset was, a little is ok. The next day I woke sluggish and irritated with my fingers so swollen I took off my jewelry. The following day I was more irritated and easily provoked wondering why other have their judgments about me and can't see what I'm saying. Today my first thought was I want to die. You don't get to live like you want. You're worthless. You're worthless. You're worthless. You're worthless. It's good to want things, but you're worthless. 

That is what happens when you have parasites and a virus that feeds off the food you eat. If it weren't for being hypoglycemic I would not have moved all day long. I absolutely did not want or feel like it was possible to move. I asked the question and had to deal with the answer despite the objections in my head.  I pealed myself up to pee then do the dishes. That felt right, so I took out the trash and cleaned the dried blueberry off the floor. That felt better so I vacuumed. I made a smoothie and the mail man came to the door with some herbs I had been waiting for. I smiled. We chatted. I went to the grocery store and was grateful for the beautiful food I had bought. I went to another and sat in the sun while eating a salad. When I came home to my clean apartment my mind was clear and my dark thoughts were a memory. Spirals work in both ways. Today I switched directions with the movement of energy in my home, my body and healing foods.

Emotional-Patterns-Spirals.jpg

Edited by toemilyjune

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Day 204 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?'

Appreciate a good dream. Daydream about the future. Do an abundance meditation for fun. Take herbs to heal. Tell my best friend I love her on her birthday even though she's in the spirit world. Listen to the rain and watch the trees whip. Rest. Keep up on the fucking dishes. Learn from other people. Read a book. Go to bed at a decent hour. Spend some time reflecting in gratitude. 

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