299 posts in this topic

Day 156 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?

Stay calm and detox. Focus on people and things that inspire you. Be grateful that for each symptom it's for something leaving your body. Be kind to yourself and don't push too hard. You're doing the best you can and it's really great. Don't read between the lines interpreting the looks on peoples faces. They have no idea where you've been or what you're going through. You are a warrior watermelon woman healing to thrive on that beach in Greece. 

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Day 157 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?

It took hours to do by myself but I finally finished my iris photos for an Iridology reading. The brown is sulfur in my eyes from antibiotics. The rings around my eyes are from nerve damage. I have a true blue eyes underneath all the mucus and filth in my body. That's all I know. What do you see. Have you had an iridology reading?5ac84706a744a_040518RightwGlare.jpg.b829234df340aa7e9163f222a4b84c38.jpg5ac847084dd33_040518LeftwGlare.jpg.2990e74fcda70eef97bfc81fbcdfe2a8.jpg

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Day 158 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?

Since I am no longer able to sleep through the night without my blood sugar dropping and me waking to eat, I finally sent my packet to Dr. Morse in Florida with my iris photos, letter for financial assistance, and a roughly ten page questionnaire with details on my health. This has been a long time coming and I've had a fear of getting worse by taking herbs, but I'm getting worse anyways, so I thought it would be safe to get help. My idea of worse may be a detox but it's still scary none the less. I'm suddenly allergic to detergents and shampoos so I've been wearing the same clothes day in and day out and have completely stopped washing my hair. I don't want to have an asthma attack over this crap. My chest gets tight, my throat gets raw, and it gets hard to take a deep breath. No thanks. I'll go without washing my hair and clothing. I spent $24 dollars and change to mail that information off. Silly as it sounds I even added a pretty picture and some palo santo for good luck. I don't know how to describe what it felt like on the drive to the post office. I have stressed over finishing this for months. It was surreal. A few tears were shed. That paperwork is so important to me. It felt like I was dropping off a loved one at the airport and I was nervous for them to fly and experience new things. This is a big deal for me. As I've said before, getting professional detox help is a huge step into the unknown and I've been scared for a long time. I'm ready now. I know if it weren't for the work I'm doing with this process I wouldn't be where I am now. I'm scared of my symptoms, but I'm no longer afraid of what I have to do to heal. I don't care how much it costs or if it takes years. What matters is I'm on the path. 

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Day 159 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?

Currently I've been taking comfort that I can only control myself. It's not my job to shift anyones perceptions or prove myself to be liked, or seen as good. I feel safer imagining myself with a circle around me, a bubble that represents me and my responsibility outside of the vast world. The more grounded and comfortable I am in my own skin, the less stressed I am and the easier things go in general. I've known this concept for over ten years, but since I have been doing this emotional work I'm starting to find my personality outside of reacting to the everyone. I have boundaries that are increasingly more automatic to follow through with, and I observe people now instead of instantly seeking approval. We all have problems, and I feel now that other people aren't better, just different. I may be spending a lot of time on my couch but I'm not an underdog. We are all in a sense reacting to life based off of our familiar experiences and traumas. What I'm trying to say is that I'm aware and choosing the people and situations I want to interact with. I'm starting to feel my value. 

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Day 161 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do? 

Do not drink the bottle of soy sauce because you want salt so badly. Day 23 again raw vegan without salt. 

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Day 162 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do? Take Care of Important Business Promptly

Hello Jennifer,

Thank you for giving me hope of assistance and reviewing my application so quickly. Of the thousand dollars I receive each month I have less than $100 not accounted for fixed expenses. I have no other sources of income and I anticipate I will have to cut into my food budget and adjust my diet to make this work. I have not initiated a consultation with a counselor as I will need to save up for it. I was crossing my fingers that a possible qualification for this assistance would help with that. Ideally I would like to talk to someone. I'm a bit scared. I don't know how my body will react to the herbs. 
 
In the past I took some capsules to kill parasites and it crashed my adrenals to the point I had to move back home to where I am now to live with family in Alaska. I've been back here over two years and keep going further down hill. I haven't been able to work in three years. My step father has since retired limiting the family income. I feel a strain more than ever to get better so I can be financially independent from them. My grandmother lives with us and is 96. I don't know how my body will handle her passing. Judging how I handle daily tasks, even my intolerance to seeing heights on tv, I know it's not going to be good. 
 
My immediate goal is to strengthen my adrenals so I can handle stress, as well as wash my hair and clothing again without worrying about chest and throat tightness. I am severely hypoglycemic having to wake through the night to eat. I would like to heal that next while detoxing the Epstein Barr Virus out of my system. It is currently off the charts in my system and causing me neurological discomfort and a well as extreme lethargy that keeps me couch bound most of the time. My long term goals are to leave Alaska, move to a climate with cheeper fruit, and eventually return to helping other people.
 
 My prior career of ten years was a Massage Therapist. Since I have been sick and researching health since 2008 I would ideally like to help people in their own healing journey and return to massage in a more limited capacity. As much as I know now, I am no where near ready to guide another person. Healing for me is faith. I believe in what Dr. Morse is saying. I've tried other diets and worsened. This makes real sense to me. Although I have now read many success stories of people healing some truly awful things, it's hard to plan a life when I am have been physically down for the count and suffering for so long. Now I continue to lay low, eat fruit and learn from Dr. Morse and surround myself with other people following this lifestyle. 
 
I'm not sure if that's what you meant by goals, but I am more than willing to answer any more questions you might have. I'm also very apt to follow any advice you might offer regarding your opinion of what step I should do first. Should I talk to a counselor, hope that things will go smoothly and take the herbs first, or get an eye reading. I did send pictures with my packet. I'm clueless on this. I very much appreciate your time and effort on my behalf and am very grateful for your considering my application so quickly. Thank you kindly. 
 
Most Sincerely,
 
Emily June
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Day 163 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do? 

I've been distant from my mom since I've been able to interpret the level of abuse I was subjected to. I see her in a very different way. She is however my mother and went from being one of my closest friends to someone I will aways have my guard up with. Tonight I tried to talk to her about things going on in my life. I tried to make small talk. I showed her a video of a guy who feeds his dog home cooked meals while sipping on fresh pressed vegetable juices and coconut water. My mom is a professional breeder. She was silent. Then I showed her before and after pictures of people healing on an all fruit diet when she criticized me.  She was silent refusing to give any opinion at all after that. In fact it was like she was learning how I think in order to one day have me committed (again). I feel like I let her into trusted territory and it will be used against me. My effort backfired and now I feel really guilty; I made a big mistake; like I left my banking password on my facebook page. I tried to make small talk. Silence. I told her of a book I read and asked her if she's read anything lately. Nope nothing. If anything I could feel the judgement and criticism radiating off of her. I learned my lesson. I can not let my guard down. I have to become financially independent and get out of here. I just wish there was someone close by I could talk to. These posts and phone calls with my sister are my connection to the world. God I should have known better than go over there when I wasn't feeling my strongest. Dammit Emily; you fucked up. 

Edited by toemilyjune

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Day 164 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do? 

Stop stressing over the whole picture trying to get an end result you can't possibly know from within your mind and take baby steps. Get out of your head a bit. 

 

Edited by toemilyjune

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Day 165 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do? 

My prayers were answered today! The sliding scale application to the office of the world renowned detoxification specialist Dr. Morse was approved. If wasn't already elated enough, shortly after receiving a confirmation email I got a phone call from Florida to set me up with an appointment. Somehow I bypassed a hefty waiting list usually pushing two months long and now have appointment on Monday! They must really think I need to get in there based on my application, or perhaps my guides are pulling strings for me. Either way it was such an amazing day I had the strength to call my father. I think he might follow in my footsteps when he sees my path to healing is truly working. 

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Day 166 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do? 

I'm a 35 year old woman. I very rarely speak to my father because I feel drained when I do. I feel he's always trying to manipulate me, aggressively bend me to his will. He's also suffering from Morgellon's disease and the worst isolative depression. The amazing news I got about my appointment with Dr. Morse's clinic gave me the motivation I needed to finally pick up the phone and relieve the guilt of dodging his calls. After a few minutes of conversation he tells me he's naked in his living room. I told him to call me back, it was no big deal. Somehow the conversation lasted an hour. At one point he was breathing funny, a bit heavily. It was clearly abnormal, but I didn't address it. Later the naked conversation comes up again and I asked him why he didn't put me on speaker and dress himself. He almost cheerfully stated he was comfortable and rarely received company. At this point, I started to feel drained and made an excuse to get off the phone. The conversation lasted another ten minutes before I protested I really needed to go. It's been almost 24 hours from our talk. Bam! Out of nowhere the visuals hit me. I now swear my father was jacking off to our conversation. I've written about red flags with him in the past, but this just makes me see my father is truly a sexual predator. He's so smooth. How will I ever sort this subtle manipulative, innocence stealing, vampiric behavior out in my mind to heal it? There is a reason I never want to see him again. 

To answer the sacred question, someone who loves themselves allows these feelings to surface. Yes, you've been taken advantage of starting before a time you were even conscious of or able to defend yourself. Keep affirming your boundaries, and resist the urge to stay silent when you feel something is off. That self questioning low self esteem is exactly what people rely on to take advantage of others. If you aren't comfortable, do what you need to do to take care of yourself even if it's an inconvenience, or makes you look poorly in some way. You are the most important person in your life. How you treat yourself determines the company you keep and how they treat you as well. Just because you were born to abusive parents does not mean you have to suffer for a lifetime. Self love, self realization, patience, and boundaries are key. Emily, don't let a sad man take your light any longer. You deserve more than what you have been given. You may be a bit jaded now, but you're a compassionate, resilient soul committed to love and health emotionally and physically. 

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Day 167 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do? 

I made a list in all the ways I am manipulated by family so I would recognize them more readily in the moment to stand up for myself. This is definitely going to be a new muscle to strengthen. I'm very apt to avoiding conflict, but I'm over being disrespected, especially as if it's second nature. 

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Day 168 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do? 

I had my consultation with Dr. Morse's clinic. I am so grateful that she understood how much anxiety I have over starting the powerful herbal formulas. In the past my adrenals have crashed every time I've attempted to cleanse. She sees all the weakness in my body by looking at my Iris reading. Nothing is missed and that is also highly comforting. It's like visual back up for all the ailments I'm telling her. I could be silent and she could make a protocol based on my eye reading and bowel movements alone. I'll be taking two glandulars to support my pineal gland and adrenals while I cleanse and rebuild my strength. Apparently my brain and bowels are saturated with sulfur from the countless antibiotics I have taken amplifying my symptoms. It's almost over. This is the beginning of the end of my suffering for health. The big guns of healing are priming and as soon as those herbs come in the mail, it will be time to conquer my fears of side effects one dropperful at a time. 

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Day 169 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do? 

How do you feel about this quote from the movie Thanks For Sharing?

Feelings are like children; you don't want them driving the car, but you don't want to stuff them in the trunk either. 

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Day 170 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do? Accept healing nightmares.

I went to a social gathering for the first time in months. It was a group of four of us raw vegans sharing our stories about fasts and cleanses, opinions on popular fruitarians in social media. It was so amazing to forget about how I am a feeling and how worried I am for two straight hours. Between us there was so much knowlege in the room that I just kept asking questions. I hope I didn't dominate the conversation, but I was blissed out by the company, let alone the amazing food. I ate fat for the first time in a long time too. It's probably because I know what a delicate state I'm in, but I didn't feel the need to over indulge. When I eat fat I get nightmares.

What's coming up for me in this stage of cleansing is inappropriate sexual behavior from my father that has become glaringly obvious to me since I have made some improvement in my self esteem. The fat induced nightmare that followed was about being groped. I was tired and wanted to lay down but an overweight Albanian man was trying to feel me up. I went to a different bed, or came back at a different time of night, but my boundaries kept getting violated by horny guys who had zero respect for me. After a while I went to lay on the couch to finally pass out since a bed was not an option. Three feet in front of me is another girl trying to sleep on the floor. She's looking right at me as these hands come over me and start groping my breasts. I'm in this state of agonizing paralysis despite fighting to break free. Oblivious to the terror in my eyes, and what I think is my mouth agape expelling this immense effort to scream, she looked right through me. No sound was coming out of my mouth. Nothing. I don't even know if she could see me struggling. In these moments of true powerlessness I'm wondering if she's even smart enough to see these are not my arms; surely she knows. I'm left alone in my terror observing her until I finally wake up.

My father's abuse was so much more covert than this dream. According to my sister's effort to confide in my mother and save me from him, groping happened when I was very young, not when I could communicate effectively. He's an intelligent man. I remember at 15 I came home from school and walked in on him jacking off in the living room. He didn't even stop when he saw me. Upon confrontation of my 'inappropriate reaction' he boasted, 'Who are the cops going to believe a troubled teen or a adult?' I think this was the blow out fight that led me to go live in a storm drain to get away from him. Within a short time I was calling the cops for a different reason after having extremely blurry lines of rape with with a 24 year old. A hundred yards or so from my drain, he took me to a dirty mattress, on the ground and women's clothing tossed amongst beer bottles, garbage and drug paraphernalia. I knew if I fought him it was going to be a loosing struggle that would prove physically and emotionally painful, so I'm not proud to say, I didn't fight him. It's my many experiences of total naivety when I put myself in sexually dangerous situations that I am reminded of the girl in my dream laying on the floor watching me. I think she is me before I became self aware, and despite being strong, was still largely unaware of the many ways I was being manipulated and taken advantage of by my father and other men. The time this incident happened was about the age of the girl watching me in my dream.

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