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Day 106 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do? Shift your attitude to gratitude.

Notable things I learned from The Journey: A Roadmap to Healing After Narcissistic Abuse "Self-control is the only real control there is in this life. You can control how you show up in every moment. You cannot control anything outside yourself." "Something magical happens when you change yourself. The universe changes how it responds to you." "If you grew up in a narcissistic household, you were programmed into a negative paradigm of fear and doubt. In order to liberate yourself to create the life you actually want to live, you need to rewrite those scripts in your self talk." Become like a ninja stalking your thoughts shifting them to the positive. "The reprogramming process is essentially training your "inner critic" to become a helpful ally instead of a master saboteur." "Your perspective, how you look at yourself and the world, is what determines your reality."

With gentle nudges from friends, while reflecting on how much better I felt in a state of gratitude and reaffirming it through reading today, I feel the message is clear. It is time to retrain my thinking to shift to the positive. Reading about how I was 'programmed' into focussing negatively on lack and fear is the straw that's forcing my foot down. I want to think with a healthy positive perspective and then if I spend some time in the negative that's MY choice, not all I know because that's how I was raised. Also, the exercise I did imagining my life 20 years from now, the most notable part about that was that I was alone and very unhappy because of my complaining and negative outlook. I can feel awful and still have healthy relationships where I give to other people. So now it's operation thought ninja! I imagine I'll have to put some thought into how to implement it and stay on task. I'm so far to one side of the scale, it's overwhelming. I feel I'm pessimistic without even realizing it. I'm totally open to feedback, now and in the future.

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Day 107 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?'

It was my first day stalking my thoughts like a ninja. I didn't even have to be a stalker. I was in a metaphorical office chair in the middle of an empty room in my mind with a buzzer. That wasn't nice. How did that make you feel? How can we rephrase that? Thought ninja! Thought ninja over and over again became my new phrase, because at some points negativity was so fast I was onto the next before I'd corrected the prior. What a lesson! I'm really glad I am seeing this. I know it's going to take a lot of work, but I think it's one of the most worthy tasks of this lifetime. Teal mentions in her energy vampire video that another person isn't taking your energy their influence is slowing down your connection to source and that's what leads you to feel drained afterward. It makes a lot of sense that I have slowed my connection through my own thinking making me a match to a virus that leaves me so tired. On another note, the sun was shining, it was unusually warm, I got a lovely gift in the mail and had a bit more spunk than normal. I felt so so deeply validated watching the video When The Only Way to Be OK is to Not Be OK.  If I didn't know better I'd say she made that video just for me. I watched it twice. It is now motivating when I understand the ways in which I have been conditioned; and through awareness I'm attempting to write a new story, when before I just felt powerless. 

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Day 108 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?'

So this is awkward, but I'm proud, so here goes. When times get tough physically I'll do an enema. It releases mucus and gunk from the colon easing symptoms of detox. It's an ancient practice used by many cultures throughout the world, as it cures many common ailments. I don't know what this is like for people who do it regularly, but for me, it's very uncomfortable. It takes me roughly four eliminations from a one liter bag. I've probably done 15 in my lifetime but tonight the stars aligned and I did a bag with two eliminations. This usually leaves me feeling really tired, a little dizzy and so over it, but I decided to push through and lay in front of the tv for a second liter. To my amazement I got all but about 4oz in there and nearly made it to the bathroom. Let me just say wow! The only thing I can equate this to is when you start running or doing yoga and you're hurting without pleasure, then after a few months it starts to be enjoyable. I won't go that far about enjoyment, but it was eye opening amazement. This health coach I'm following walks around with a liter of water in her holding it for at least twenty minutes even doing handstands. I try not to think she is nuts. Perhaps I will get there someday, although I'd much rather be good at yoga than holding an enema. Perhaps both.

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Day 109 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?'

Before falling asleep it occurred to me I was actively hanging onto people that didn't want to be in my life anymore. One I hadn't spoke to in over a year and other's I'd drop a line to after a long stretch and get nothing back. Some were once my very best friends and it didn't occur I was the only one reaching out for a reason. I decided to stop torturing myself and let go. In a place of self love, I delete their reminders including phone numbers and facebook ties and I now feel I'm respecting myself and their wishes.

A book I'm reading on recovery from narcissistic abuse notes that true healing can only happen when abusers are removed from your environment, even if it is your parent(s) and you love them. I decided to create a safe space on facebook where I could share with people who I feel actually care for my emotional and physical success. I constructed a group isolating those I felt might criticize me for by being myself. It turns out all of those people are family and their spouses, and even though they don't make me feel good, they were all on the 'close' and 'see first' settings. Clearly I've changed by embracing my intuition, instead of seeking their approval or wishing they will change. 

Consequently, in this process I let go of thirty people from my friends list that I either, didn't like, or was striving at one point or another to get them to like me. It's a big relief consciously shifting my energy from the insecurity that comes with trying to control the opinions of others. I'm so much more able to see all the good things and people I do have in my life. Letting go can feel really good and is a big step in my journey toward positive focus. 

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Day 110 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?'

Me: I’ve been fighting sending you this text for days. I’m on a big personal growth journey with my self esteem and recognizing toxic relationships. Lately I realized there are more than a couple people I was once close to that don’t want to be in my life anymore. I’m guessing this is because I was pretty pessimistic, but if there are more reasons, you would be doing me the greatest service in telling me your side of the story. I remember we had a disagreement about my lifestyle but I don’t remember any of the details. I’ve deleted Facebook friends and phone numbers of longtime friends but I feel like I’m missing the bigger picture of what’s going on. I’m not asking anyone else this. If you don’t feel comfortable answering I totally get it, but it is an opportunity to totally vent knowing I will hang onto those words and take action even if you don’t want to be in my life now or after. Whatever you decide no hard feelings from my end and I wish you well. :)  

Longtime Friend: I don't think we really had that much of a disagreement. We're different people with different ideals and that's OK, I don't need you to always agree with me, in fact you shouldn't and vice versa. I don't think pessimism was really your problem, I think it was a by product, you've always kind of been latent competitive, you always wanted a guy if he didn't want you, and if he was bad for you all the better. And your kind of competitive with other females if a male is present, and compliments were kind of back handed. You were always measuring people and I think at the same time measuring yourself, and maybe not actually settling anywhere or on anything for that reason. Fear someone was measuring you the same way you were measuring them. But even with that I excepted it for what it was, your perceptions aren't my perceptions. At the same time you're very loyal, and there when the chips are really down. I'm glad you're trying to this for you, but maybe you should venture outside of your head, and experience things outside of yourself. Maybe volunteer somewhere with a demographic of people you're not familiar with, do an activity, that involves interaction with others, you've never experienced or even thought you'd want to...not because you have something to gain or an impression to make, but just to see things differently. It changes your focus, and it changes how you think.

Me: Wow. This is gold to me. My mom is really competitive and a professional at backhanded complements, even slipping in subtle jabs in conversations to where you just feel like crap when you walk away and you don’t know why. I never saw she did this until this month. Thanks you a thousand times for telling me I do this myself. After so long this still stands out to you so I know it’s a big thing. Luckily I’ve been curing my toxic guy addiction. I needed anyone to distract me and give me a false sense of self worth in sex and crap companionship. It’s been so long since I’ve dated I don’t think I would have realized that. I know I threw many women under the bus out of jealousy. Shit self esteem byproducts. I’m still measuring people and things and not settling. Man you called that. I wasn’t aware. So judgmental is a big turn off issue of mine. Got it. I agree with you about being around a different demographic I don’t relate to. I think I get so wrapped up in myself it’s easy to forget we are all human with feelings. Shit. I was a snob. This means a lot to me thank you so very much. 🙏

Longtime Friend: Your welcome, Good luck. :-)

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Day 111 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?' Learn a major life lesson.

A couple days ago emotionally let go of some people that no longer wanted to be in my life. I realized that wasn't complete because I was still holding onto some hurt feelings. I decided to do Byron Katies 'The Work' on the process and what I found was incredibly eye opening to my behavior. I saw that I was reenacting programming from both of my parents and it wasn't pretty. In fact, I am really appalled by this. I used it to push my oldest best friend away, and it's the biggest mistake of my life. I knew there was a lesson in why two great women left my life at the same time, but I had no idea it was this significant. It has become my soul mission to convey how incredibly sorry I am and calling myself on my shit and stating what I'm dong to shift it. Even if she doesn't respond and we never speak again, I can not rest until this is done. I have spent two days trying to organize my thoughts, but the list of how things went wrong is overwhelming. I'm still actively trying to narrow it down. I don't want to throw my crap on her so I'm trying to write just enough let her know I see what happened. Finger pointing, manipulative, controlling, and intensely pessimistic;  I just keep shaking my head in the disbelief I'd never understood it before. It was all just words until I discovered it myself. I was too defensive to take any feedback. I'm so so grateful for this awareness, and man did it come at a high cost, but I wouldn't have seen it otherwise. I have to say it to the universe and to myself; thank you. 

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Day 112 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?'

I've finished Meredith Miller's The Journey about recovering from narcissistic abuse. She left me with some nice visuals to look forward to when my healing is in a further stage. "Your approval barometer is now facing inward instead of outward." What a relief that will be, along with "You trust yourself implicitly now" and your new "emotional teflon" is giving you strength to govern how you want to feel instead of what others want. I'm optimistic just imagining what security feels like. 

I'm still working on my apology letter to the friend I hurt deeply and haven't spoke to in over a year. There is so much weight on that letter I procrastinated it today letting old patterns tell me it's not good enough. I wanted to rush over there and give her anything two days ago, but in my heart I knew that it would secretly be for approval. I've decided to keep reworking so it shows my indiscretion, and my desire to change, but isn't this depressing self bashing session thats too long.

I've started reading a book called Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller to further help me recognize my dysfunctional relationship tendencies. Part of me wants to finish many books and make sure that I have made real change before even giving her this letter, but the other part of me sees this strive for perfection in order to be accepted, and if there is any chance she periodically spends her energy on anger toward me I want to unburden her from that the best I can as soon as possible.

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Day 113 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?' Recognize you're triggered. 

When I'm feeling vulnerable I tend to get more judgmental assessing everything as if there could be a threat. I listen to my thoughts when I'm driving and even who I'm following with my cart in Costco. I get defensive and consequently say offensive things in my mind about nearly everyone. I don't want to talk at all, but at the same time I feel starved for touch and am deeply lonely. I'm overwhelmed by the dysfunction that surrounds me and want to avoid any opportunity to be walked on or be an unconscious outlet for other peoples traumas. I want to protect myself and feel safe. Being alone doesn't help because recently I've unveiled the thoughts that have sabotaged and kept me unhappy in my life. They are in my head and I can't run away from that either. 

I want a cocoon away from negative stimulation, career promoting noise and advertising in general. I don't want to see anyone hurting animals, or what they do in the meat industry, no vaccines, or the killing of bees, politics or school shootings, or anything for that matter on facebook unless it's coming from one human, it's real and authentic about their life. Genuine connection I have patience for; everything else is annoying and right now takes too much energy. This is my life from a few nights of compromised sleep and two days of no physical activity. Can you relate to me?  Am I alone out there in my intensity? I really want to know. I'm wondering if this is a side effect of shadow work and taxed adrenals, but I think it has more to do with me observing this patterns in action for the first time. 1200px-People_Shadow.jpg.8a9aead56faea311c2de3fa8d2f9bb91.jpg

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Day 114 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?' 

I am so grateful for the people in my life that know my flaws and are there for me anyway. I'm grateful to finally not feel ashamed about my interests and can actually have conversations about them with people in my life. I am so grateful for the humbling lessons I've learned including the freedom that comes with forgiveness, learning where my negative thought patters come from and actually feeling the power to change them. It is so much easier to trust my intuition, instead of questioning it like I was taught. I'm happy I'm taking baby steps toward self love and one day feeling self assured. I'm looking forward to not questioning myself, judging and comparing myself with people, and worrying about how I'll be taken advantage of and hurt. I'm not asking the question as often as I like, but I'm grateful the universe knows of my intention and as is sending me lessons and revelations anyway. I'm grateful for the technology that allows me to have connection with people when I would otherwise only be surrounded by an abusive situation. I love that at any moment I can walk 100 feet and pet nine corgis and two kitties if I feel lonely,, and they won't judge me, and in fact enjoy my company as much as I do theirs. 

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This is Ivan Knight. He was named after a hot guy I wanted to bang in college because he was so adorable. I call him Ivan Ivan Eyebrows and he comes running. 

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Day 115 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?' 

I've been triggered a lot by family lately and once again fudged on my diet. I haven't been asking the question or intently focusing on gratitude even though it's very important to me. It all seems easier though as I've grown to take comfort in the support of a particular person who is exactly 3778 miles away. He's been there from the start reading all of my authentic revelations, good moods, and the many downs. We've grown to know each other slowly in a way that feels safe. I admit, it's strange to experience this kind of intimacy through technology. I almost cringe when I say it, especially knowing he will read this, but he can handle it and that's new for me, along with the fact that we've been unguarded and real with each other. I haven't played any games of seduction being agreeable and hiding my flaws or most intimate beliefs. We haven't swapped naked pictures, instead we share each others dreams as our friendship deepens and we learn to rely on one another.  It's so cool we are even becoming psychically in tune. He texts when I'm upset, and lately thinks the same things at the same times. As I type this he tells me in the sweetest vulnerable way that he appreciates me just as I'm telling you I appreciate him. I guess I am practicing gratitude. longdistance.jpg.9675b730d7332b9ccb9810d994ba0b7e.jpg

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