396 posts in this topic

Day 106 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do? Shift your attitude to gratitude.

Notable things I learned from The Journey: A Roadmap to Healing After Narcissistic Abuse "Self-control is the only real control there is in this life. You can control how you show up in every moment. You cannot control anything outside yourself." "Something magical happens when you change yourself. The universe changes how it responds to you." "If you grew up in a narcissistic household, you were programmed into a negative paradigm of fear and doubt. In order to liberate yourself to create the life you actually want to live, you need to rewrite those scripts in your self talk." Become like a ninja stalking your thoughts shifting them to the positive. "The reprogramming process is essentially training your "inner critic" to become a helpful ally instead of a master saboteur." "Your perspective, how you look at yourself and the world, is what determines your reality."

With gentle nudges from friends, while reflecting on how much better I felt in a state of gratitude and reaffirming it through reading today, I feel the message is clear. It is time to retrain my thinking to shift to the positive. Reading about how I was 'programmed' into focussing negatively on lack and fear is the straw that's forcing my foot down. I want to think with a healthy positive perspective and then if I spend some time in the negative that's MY choice, not all I know because that's how I was raised. Also, the exercise I did imagining my life 20 years from now, the most notable part about that was that I was alone and very unhappy because of my complaining and negative outlook. I can feel awful and still have healthy relationships where I give to other people. So now it's operation thought ninja! I imagine I'll have to put some thought into how to implement it and stay on task. I'm so far to one side of the scale, it's overwhelming. I feel I'm pessimistic without even realizing it. I'm totally open to feedback, now and in the future.

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Day 107 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?'

It was my first day stalking my thoughts like a ninja. I didn't even have to be a stalker. I was in a metaphorical office chair in the middle of an empty room in my mind with a buzzer. That wasn't nice. How did that make you feel? How can we rephrase that? Thought ninja! Thought ninja over and over again became my new phrase, because at some points negativity was so fast I was onto the next before I'd corrected the prior. What a lesson! I'm really glad I am seeing this. I know it's going to take a lot of work, but I think it's one of the most worthy tasks of this lifetime. Teal mentions in her energy vampire video that another person isn't taking your energy their influence is slowing down your connection to source and that's what leads you to feel drained afterward. It makes a lot of sense that I have slowed my connection through my own thinking making me a match to a virus that leaves me so tired. On another note, the sun was shining, it was unusually warm, I got a lovely gift in the mail and had a bit more spunk than normal. I felt so so deeply validated watching the video When The Only Way to Be OK is to Not Be OK.  If I didn't know better I'd say she made that video just for me. I watched it twice. It is now motivating when I understand the ways in which I have been conditioned; and through awareness I'm attempting to write a new story, when before I just felt powerless. 

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Day 108 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?'

So this is awkward, but I'm proud, so here goes. When times get tough physically I'll do an enema. It releases mucus and gunk from the colon easing symptoms of detox. It's an ancient practice used by many cultures throughout the world, as it cures many common ailments. I don't know what this is like for people who do it regularly, but for me, it's very uncomfortable. It takes me roughly four eliminations from a one liter bag. I've probably done 15 in my lifetime but tonight the stars aligned and I did a bag with two eliminations. This usually leaves me feeling really tired, a little dizzy and so over it, but I decided to push through and lay in front of the tv for a second liter. To my amazement I got all but about 4oz in there and nearly made it to the bathroom. Let me just say wow! The only thing I can equate this to is when you start running or doing yoga and you're hurting without pleasure, then after a few months it starts to be enjoyable. I won't go that far about enjoyment, but it was eye opening amazement. This health coach I'm following walks around with a liter of water in her holding it for at least twenty minutes even doing handstands. I try not to think she is nuts. Perhaps I will get there someday, although I'd much rather be good at yoga than holding an enema. Perhaps both.

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Day 109 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?'

Before falling asleep it occurred to me I was actively hanging onto people that didn't want to be in my life anymore. One I hadn't spoke to in over a year and other's I'd drop a line to after a long stretch and get nothing back. Some were once my very best friends and it didn't occur I was the only one reaching out for a reason. I decided to stop torturing myself and let go. In a place of self love, I delete their reminders including phone numbers and facebook ties and I now feel I'm respecting myself and their wishes.

A book I'm reading on recovery from narcissistic abuse notes that true healing can only happen when abusers are removed from your environment, even if it is your parent(s) and you love them. I decided to create a safe space on facebook where I could share with people who I feel actually care for my emotional and physical success. I constructed a group isolating those I felt might criticize me for by being myself. It turns out all of those people are family and their spouses, and even though they don't make me feel good, they were all on the 'close' and 'see first' settings. Clearly I've changed by embracing my intuition, instead of seeking their approval or wishing they will change. 

Consequently, in this process I let go of thirty people from my friends list that I either, didn't like, or was striving at one point or another to get them to like me. It's a big relief consciously shifting my energy from the insecurity that comes with trying to control the opinions of others. I'm so much more able to see all the good things and people I do have in my life. Letting go can feel really good and is a big step in my journey toward positive focus. 

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Day 110 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?'

Me: I’ve been fighting sending you this text for days. I’m on a big personal growth journey with my self esteem and recognizing toxic relationships. Lately I realized there are more than a couple people I was once close to that don’t want to be in my life anymore. I’m guessing this is because I was pretty pessimistic, but if there are more reasons, you would be doing me the greatest service in telling me your side of the story. I remember we had a disagreement about my lifestyle but I don’t remember any of the details. I’ve deleted Facebook friends and phone numbers of longtime friends but I feel like I’m missing the bigger picture of what’s going on. I’m not asking anyone else this. If you don’t feel comfortable answering I totally get it, but it is an opportunity to totally vent knowing I will hang onto those words and take action even if you don’t want to be in my life now or after. Whatever you decide no hard feelings from my end and I wish you well. :)  

Longtime Friend: I don't think we really had that much of a disagreement. We're different people with different ideals and that's OK, I don't need you to always agree with me, in fact you shouldn't and vice versa. I don't think pessimism was really your problem, I think it was a by product, you've always kind of been latent competitive, you always wanted a guy if he didn't want you, and if he was bad for you all the better. And your kind of competitive with other females if a male is present, and compliments were kind of back handed. You were always measuring people and I think at the same time measuring yourself, and maybe not actually settling anywhere or on anything for that reason. Fear someone was measuring you the same way you were measuring them. But even with that I excepted it for what it was, your perceptions aren't my perceptions. At the same time you're very loyal, and there when the chips are really down. I'm glad you're trying to this for you, but maybe you should venture outside of your head, and experience things outside of yourself. Maybe volunteer somewhere with a demographic of people you're not familiar with, do an activity, that involves interaction with others, you've never experienced or even thought you'd want to...not because you have something to gain or an impression to make, but just to see things differently. It changes your focus, and it changes how you think.

Me: Wow. This is gold to me. My mom is really competitive and a professional at backhanded complements, even slipping in subtle jabs in conversations to where you just feel like crap when you walk away and you don’t know why. I never saw she did this until this month. Thanks you a thousand times for telling me I do this myself. After so long this still stands out to you so I know it’s a big thing. Luckily I’ve been curing my toxic guy addiction. I needed anyone to distract me and give me a false sense of self worth in sex and crap companionship. It’s been so long since I’ve dated I don’t think I would have realized that. I know I threw many women under the bus out of jealousy. Shit self esteem byproducts. I’m still measuring people and things and not settling. Man you called that. I wasn’t aware. So judgmental is a big turn off issue of mine. Got it. I agree with you about being around a different demographic I don’t relate to. I think I get so wrapped up in myself it’s easy to forget we are all human with feelings. Shit. I was a snob. This means a lot to me thank you so very much. 🙏

Longtime Friend: Your welcome, Good luck. :-)

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Day 111 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?' Learn a major life lesson.

A couple days ago emotionally let go of some people that no longer wanted to be in my life. I realized that wasn't complete because I was still holding onto some hurt feelings. I decided to do Byron Katies 'The Work' on the process and what I found was incredibly eye opening to my behavior. I saw that I was reenacting programming from both of my parents and it wasn't pretty. In fact, I am really appalled by this. I used it to push my oldest best friend away, and it's the biggest mistake of my life. I knew there was a lesson in why two great women left my life at the same time, but I had no idea it was this significant. It has become my soul mission to convey how incredibly sorry I am and calling myself on my shit and stating what I'm dong to shift it. Even if she doesn't respond and we never speak again, I can not rest until this is done. I have spent two days trying to organize my thoughts, but the list of how things went wrong is overwhelming. I'm still actively trying to narrow it down. I don't want to throw my crap on her so I'm trying to write just enough let her know I see what happened. Finger pointing, manipulative, controlling, and intensely pessimistic;  I just keep shaking my head in the disbelief I'd never understood it before. It was all just words until I discovered it myself. I was too defensive to take any feedback. I'm so so grateful for this awareness, and man did it come at a high cost, but I wouldn't have seen it otherwise. I have to say it to the universe and to myself; thank you. 

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Day 112 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?'

I've finished Meredith Miller's The Journey about recovering from narcissistic abuse. She left me with some nice visuals to look forward to when my healing is in a further stage. "Your approval barometer is now facing inward instead of outward." What a relief that will be, along with "You trust yourself implicitly now" and your new "emotional teflon" is giving you strength to govern how you want to feel instead of what others want. I'm optimistic just imagining what security feels like. 

I'm still working on my apology letter to the friend I hurt deeply and haven't spoke to in over a year. There is so much weight on that letter I procrastinated it today letting old patterns tell me it's not good enough. I wanted to rush over there and give her anything two days ago, but in my heart I knew that it would secretly be for approval. I've decided to keep reworking so it shows my indiscretion, and my desire to change, but isn't this depressing self bashing session thats too long.

I've started reading a book called Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller to further help me recognize my dysfunctional relationship tendencies. Part of me wants to finish many books and make sure that I have made real change before even giving her this letter, but the other part of me sees this strive for perfection in order to be accepted, and if there is any chance she periodically spends her energy on anger toward me I want to unburden her from that the best I can as soon as possible.

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Day 113 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?' Recognize you're triggered. 

When I'm feeling vulnerable I tend to get more judgmental assessing everything as if there could be a threat. I listen to my thoughts when I'm driving and even who I'm following with my cart in Costco. I get defensive and consequently say offensive things in my mind about nearly everyone. I don't want to talk at all, but at the same time I feel starved for touch and am deeply lonely. I'm overwhelmed by the dysfunction that surrounds me and want to avoid any opportunity to be walked on or be an unconscious outlet for other peoples traumas. I want to protect myself and feel safe. Being alone doesn't help because recently I've unveiled the thoughts that have sabotaged and kept me unhappy in my life. They are in my head and I can't run away from that either. 

I want a cocoon away from negative stimulation, career promoting noise and advertising in general. I don't want to see anyone hurting animals, or what they do in the meat industry, no vaccines, or the killing of bees, politics or school shootings, or anything for that matter on facebook unless it's coming from one human, it's real and authentic about their life. Genuine connection I have patience for; everything else is annoying and right now takes too much energy. This is my life from a few nights of compromised sleep and two days of no physical activity. Can you relate to me?  Am I alone out there in my intensity? I really want to know. I'm wondering if this is a side effect of shadow work and taxed adrenals, but I think it has more to do with me observing this patterns in action for the first time. 1200px-People_Shadow.jpg.8a9aead56faea311c2de3fa8d2f9bb91.jpg

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Day 114 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?' 

I am so grateful for the people in my life that know my flaws and are there for me anyway. I'm grateful to finally not feel ashamed about my interests and can actually have conversations about them with people in my life. I am so grateful for the humbling lessons I've learned including the freedom that comes with forgiveness, learning where my negative thought patters come from and actually feeling the power to change them. It is so much easier to trust my intuition, instead of questioning it like I was taught. I'm happy I'm taking baby steps toward self love and one day feeling self assured. I'm looking forward to not questioning myself, judging and comparing myself with people, and worrying about how I'll be taken advantage of and hurt. I'm not asking the question as often as I like, but I'm grateful the universe knows of my intention and as is sending me lessons and revelations anyway. I'm grateful for the technology that allows me to have connection with people when I would otherwise only be surrounded by an abusive situation. I love that at any moment I can walk 100 feet and pet nine corgis and two kitties if I feel lonely,, and they won't judge me, and in fact enjoy my company as much as I do theirs. 

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This is Ivan Knight. He was named after a hot guy I wanted to bang in college because he was so adorable. I call him Ivan Ivan Eyebrows and he comes running. 

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Day 115 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?' 

I've been triggered a lot by family lately and once again fudged on my diet. I haven't been asking the question or intently focusing on gratitude even though it's very important to me. It all seems easier though as I've grown to take comfort in the support of a particular person who is exactly 3778 miles away. He's been there from the start reading all of my authentic revelations, good moods, and the many downs. We've grown to know each other slowly in a way that feels safe. I admit, it's strange to experience this kind of intimacy through technology. I almost cringe when I say it, especially knowing he will read this, but he can handle it and that's new for me, along with the fact that we've been unguarded and real with each other. I haven't played any games of seduction being agreeable and hiding my flaws or most intimate beliefs. We haven't swapped naked pictures, instead we share each others dreams as our friendship deepens and we learn to rely on one another.  It's so cool we are even becoming psychically in tune. He texts when I'm upset, and lately thinks the same things at the same times. As I type this he tells me in the sweetest vulnerable way that he appreciates me just as I'm telling you I appreciate him. I guess I am practicing gratitude. longdistance.jpg.9675b730d7332b9ccb9810d994ba0b7e.jpg

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Day 116 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?' 

When I was a little girl living in California I used to sit on the green painted cement porch of my home eating peanut butter and saltines made into sandwiches. I was nearly always barefoot outside of school and I can still remember sitting there with the sun beating down on me while enjoying the bottoms of my feet heat. I was an only child with a strong sense of adventure. When I was ten free time was earned through hours of chores and after I used to celebrate by disappearing from my parents. They thought I was with a neighbor or around the block when I had ridden my bike clear across town to admire the orchards and the vineyards. I knew where my crush lived, snuck through the busy streets to visit friends, and rode up and down the hills through the many neighborhoods. These were pure moments of joy that no one took from me. This is how I dealt with the stress of living with my family.

When I was around eleven or twelve or in Pennsylvania home life became unbearable. I would again earn my freedom from my newly divorced father and disappear into the woods spending my time in trees, exploring and walking along the edge of the creek. For a while I did this alone until I met some boys that followed me along and kept me company. I had my first kiss in the woods from a highly intelligent guy the same age and later held the hand of his brother. Due to my growing defiance in protest of my father's unreasonable control I was sent back to California with my mother. Relief and depression took over as I ditched school to sleep under a near by bridge. The moments I was in school, I was lost in the curriculum from changing states. I met a boy who from time to time kept me company until we both got in trouble and that was the end of that comfort. At 13 I regularly took off with a childhood friend I met at the age of six in church. One time we crawled through the bushes on our hands and knees through the hills taking the path of least resistance. For a solid day we crawled only to stand up and realize we had gone in a massive circle. Tired and muddy we were discovered by the cops and rather than admit our defeat and treck on private property, we told them we had been knocked out by a pretetor and wanted to go home. My mother laughed at the story and my friends father was mortified. Shortly after we traveled the train tracks together running away to where ever they would take us. I hitchhiked with a rusty railroad spike in my hand for protection with no real fear, just caught up in adventure. This was before I was put into a mental hospital for "being a danger to myself." I should have known at 13 we weren't going to Disneyland like my mom had told me. My face was red and swollen from accidentally using an extremely harsh hand soap at a women's house I had knocked on the door in the middle of the night and asked if I could stay. I'd been walking the train tracks through the night alone and it started to rain. Now in the car with my mother, my hair was sticking to my blistered face, and I'll never forget, she turned around to let me back in the house to grab a hair tie. If I'd known better I would have run like I was running every chance I could from her and my father before.

After a two year stint in various group homes and loosing my virginity as a run away at 14 to men five and seven years older, I was sent to my uncle in Pennsylvania. There I was coddled and taken shopping for new clothes. I had my own room and my cousins surrounding me as best friends. Dinner was pure joy and I would often laugh so hard I couldn't eat. I loved their company but felt stifled from the lack of freedom. Suddenly I was expected to stay on the same block and no one understood when I wanted to be alone. I tested them everyday saying "You don't want me" and two weeks later, they sent me away even after I begged them in tears to stay. My heart was broken and I regretted it for years. All I wanted was love and when I got it, I tested it because I genuinely didn't know how to handle it. I used to picture my life if I had stayed graduating from Penn State, getting married and having a successful career close to a supportive family. That's in the past onto the next leg of the story.

I'm 15 and am escorted by police off the plain from Pennsylvania back to my father who had moved to Phoenix Arizona. I'm taken straight to a group home where I am left for two weeks and met the man I will date for roughly the next year. When I finally get to leave the control of the overworked staff, I'm taken to a fifth weal trailer now called home where my father continues to control me in ways I don't even want to get into. I ran away slept in a storm drain for a while before moving in with my boyfriend. His parents give me one stipulation to staying with them and that is to stay in school so when I became sick from clymida in what I thought was a monogamous relationship, I was taken back to that same group home. There I met my next boyfriend who left shortly after and like a prince, came back to rescue me, busting me out. After living and working together, we left the state on a Greyhound bus. I'll never forget the day the trees turned from brown to green and it started to rain; tears rolled down my cheeks in relief as I watched out the window. Oddly enough, both of these men still hold a soft spot in my heart despite me knowing I'm not the match for either of them.

Throughout my adulthood it never hit me that I was handling my problems in the same ways I had done as a child. I would just take off on my next adventure and leave everything behind. I love driving to a new place for days at a time but that excitement would fade soon after starting the same career and perpetuating the same relationships only to feel trapped, dream of better, and leave again. I'd always blame it on the external circumstances, never able to look deeper. It never did hit me I am creating my own reality and my unresolved traumas were keeping me stuck in the same loop. Meanwhile, I'm judged that I'm running away like my father, or I'm playing the role of Vicky Victim. I got the finger pointing and the hard discipline, not the compassion and support. Now I find myself close to family and even though my needs are provided for I have never yearned more strongly for freedom. George Michael's Freedom and Tom Petty's Free Falling are the theme songs of my life so far. The difference now is I'm starting to become aware of my creative power as I unveil the patterns I've learned that kept me feeling trapped and small. For the first time in my life, I'm attempting to consciously write a new chapter without the all consuming distraction of a man for acceptance and a new location for hope. I remind myself change comes from within.

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Edited by toemilyjune

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Day 117 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?' 

While laying on my side in bed, I had my lamp on and was staring at the wall processing before sleep. Suddenly, a single small bright white light appeared in front of me and to my surprise didn't dissipate on direct eye contact, instead it slowly went up the wall up to the ceiling and over my head. It was a beautiful little light with a hint of a rainbow on the sides. Despite this, I freaked out, got the chills knowing full well I wasn't alone. I called my friend in Mexico instantly even though we don't talk on the phone. Luckily I was accepted and supported. It was nice.

What was it? Earlier that day a friend told me her grandfather had passed and I couldn't help but sympathize with her deeply. I told her the story of when mine had departed while I was in the Army. It was winter then and the ground was frozen in Alaska and luckily I released and able to attend the burial in the spring. It was an honor to solute him during taps to recognize his service in the Navy. This came up in the context of suppressed emotions and only during that solute was I able to cry all those months later. I'd like to think it was my grandfather saying hello in passing as he looks over my grandmother in the next house some 100 feet away. Maybe it was another being. Human or not, there was a direct effort for me to see them and I feel a little flattered. 

What do you think this was? Has anything similar happened to you?copper-string.jpg.bd21b5117584e56976e868ca42f8d59b.jpg

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6 hours ago, toemilyjune said:

While laying on my side in bed, I had my lamp on and was staring at the wall processing before sleep. Suddenly, a single small bright white light appeared in front of me and to my surprise didn't dissipate on direct eye contact

Yes, this happens to me when i feel my heart opening which also happened last night around 3-30. The light I usually see is more complex in the structure. I could see the geometry pattern in it but it is hard to describe since it is moving and moving.... 

The attached image shows the spiral movement. From my view it looks more like a tunnel. 

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Day 118 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?' Look Within to Build Your Sacred Space.

Yesterday I was contemplating big time about how I can feel safe to express myself while having to live in a close proximity to family. Days before I had decided to put people who made me feel criticized and less apt to express myself in a group on Facebook called 'Safe' allowing me to post for all except them. Saying things publicly on my wall has required a lot of thought from me. I don't want to waste your time with a meme, even though they often cheer me up. I don't say things authentically me, because I don't want to hear the snide remarks of my family or imagine them snickering behind my back. Essentially, there is always a filter in my my mind. Even when it's a simple as liking something. I then wonder who else's feed my comment will pop up in and again, I wanted to remain invisible to some while not annoying others. 

I felt good about making the group, but what I found was it wasn't enough. I posted something small a couple days ago and I triple checked who it was shared with, and imagined multiple scenarios of my defense if someone in the family, or my mother had seen it. What I realized was I had always auto piloted a lot of effort in this self protection. A recent book I read on healing from narcissism states that no contact is how you gain your strength and heal. I passed this off as well, that's for you not me. I clung to the idea that I needed to put my big girl pants on being authentic with who I am in my growth process. I could be friends with all my family because I do love them very much and I want to be strong enough to see the real me. That's a really nice sentiment maybe for when I am confident in myself with firm boundaries, and no longer in a situation with constant mind games and jabs at my self esteem. That's for a time where being self assured won't land me homeless in Alaska without an income. The author likened abuse to an analogy; it's like the buzzing of a refrigerator, you don't always notice it until it stops and you take a deep breath of relief. Since moving is not currently an option, I need to take some time out of mental environment to rejuvenate and freely express myself while bonding with my friends however that comes about. Take a break from the constant hum and exposure to electromagnetic stress. 

So, after a couple days and a couple of solid active hours contemplating with the names from my list, I worked up the strength to block immediate family members and their spouses. My mom was the hardest one to let go. I was able to do it knowing that Facebook doesn't have to be the definitive accumulation of the people in my life. I can still love her, call her, or share pictures with her long after I move away. This is what is best for me now. The difficulty came because I was focused on lack; what I was loosing instead of gaining. With that final key stroke I felt a sense of silence when I reflected on my profile. It was like a blank canvas of inspiration that enhanced as the time passed. I felt good for having the courage to be honest with my needs, creating another self loving boundary, just as I had days prior by blocking off the lower portion of my window so I didn't have to stare at the family house all day. Two hums negated. I feel more free to focus on whats nurturing along side my crystals, candles and valued friends in my own self created sacred space. AltarCabinet_1500-56a6dfbc5f9b58b7d0e534ac.jpg.170144d4119ab45eb564fbf2b97d93a2.jpg

The picture is not mine, but the warmth and the cozy mood resonate. 

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