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365 Days to Self Love

Day 1 of 365 days of 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?'

I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Aiding in my tiredness is a viral load off the charts at 750 of the Epstein Barr Virus. I've watched Teal's videos and two times took notes on her very enlightening Chronic Fatigue video. My self-esteem seems to prevent me from making any lasting changes and often prevents me from even starting things. This trickles over into every aspect of my life including when I lay down for bed, when I leave my home, and when I answer the phone. I live in a perpetual state of fear. Even before this virus prevented me from working I lived in fear. 

I want a different life for myself than sitting on the couch being brainwashed by the media. I want to feel amazing with my toes in Grecian sand, and I want that flight to be a breeze instead of something that petrifies me to think of. Maybe I'll be lucky enough to have a partner. I want to make jewelry and have filthy hands from playing in potters clay. I want to help people in a way that doesn't leave me resentful and scraping by financially. 

Here's my starting point. I lay on the couch all day watching Netflix and switching to my phone eyeballing Facebook and Instagram. When it's time to sleep I brush my teeth, floss and oil pull (new habit), then turn off the tv and remain on the couch to sleep.  My Adrenal fatigue is very severe. I can be on my feet for a couple hours during the day without exhaustion, but I will feel uneasy and fearful of my blood sugar dropping. I have hypoglycemia and my blood sugar drops every two hours, three if I'm lucky. I live alone in my apartment. I have one casual married male friend I see once a month at a vegan potluck and another I talk to occasionally via the Marco Polo application. She lives in Seattle. I leave the house to go to Costco and the grocery store. 

I'm doing this here in Teal's space because I feel safe here. I feel other people will accept what I'm doing. I want to hold myself accountable and follow through with a whole year documenting my journey. Finding self love and reclaiming my life is my top priority and I feel it's time to do something drastic. I'd like to look back on this and rejoice this time in my life as a valuable painful learning experience that is in the past. If one person reads my trials and begins their own journey to self love, thats an immeasurable bonus!

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Day 2 of 365 days of 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?'

I felt pressure yesterday following this new way of thinking. I didn't turn on the tv until the evening, which was a huge detour from my normal life laying on the couch. I was however on my laptop a lot haha. I went to my family's house (200 foot walk) and talked with my mom and pet her many corgis for over an hour. She breeds them under strict standards and shows them professionally. What was notably different was I received a renewal application in the mail and instead of looking at it until the day it was due I filled it out and actually dropped it off. I was dizzy and foggy headed doing so and I was scared to go to the grocery store which I had planned after. I asked the sacred question wondering to press on or go home, and was surprised to get the answer of 'go to the store'. I did. I didn't feel great, but I got through it, and actually felt peace that I could trust this answer from my higher self because it was not my first inclination. I know, a boring read so far. Prepare for more boring. I asked randomly during the day and I was told 'eat', 'go to the bathroom' and even 'lay down', 'relax'! When I listened to my body sure enough these things were a priority and I guess I was just ignoring them until it became glaringly obvious. 

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Day 3 of 365 days of 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?'

In the name of authenticity and shame.

In asking the question 'WWSWLTD?', I was pulled to catch up on Teal's blogs. She discussed shame that she feels and it probed me to ask about my shame, so I thought jogged the following:  Being seen as a slob, Being seen as lazy, Being seen as sexual specifically around family, Being seen as free spirited “wild” = without discipline, Being seen as WooWoo or spiritual, Being seen as inadequate, especially in artistic measures, Being seen as a victim, Having racist moments when I know better, Not finishing things, Not meeting financial goals, Not looking ideally thin and healthy (in control), Not being well liked by people,  Not being really good at something for my age. Not being seen as a good example of how to live in society with success and discipline.  So afraid of being disliked that you end up alone. (because you judge others as harshly as you do yourself and abandon them if they do things you don’t agree with, or see as spiritually devolved.) 

Shortly after creating my list, my friend is Seattle rang on Marco Polo and we had a rare authentic conversation about projecting an accurate image of yourself into the digital dating world. She told me stories of vast misrepresentations and I admitted I rarely take pictures of myself and the only full body one that was not a 'shameful selfie' was when I was 10-15lbs lighter (just after a breakup no less). People online would want to meet me and I would never meet them in person because I knew I was false advertising and could not handle the rejection of reading the disappointment on their face and the utter awkward moments to follow. I just wanted someone to talk to and mask my loneliness and pain. 

The point this made me realize is this. Up until two years ago I have been in a relationship since I was 13 years old. I was a master at finding a guy I could land and accommodating myself to reflect his interests. Since I was ashamed of being spiritual, energy sensitive, or the barefoot bohemian type, I led with other aspects. I like long haired musicians, nice cars and fast bikes, have an innocent face, am desperate to go to Greece. What did I find? Long haired musicians I was petrified to sing around. Lots of handsome intelligent foreign men who were great with numbers and facts, attracted to my wholesome look, and loved my need for speed. Never mind I was used and using them for non intimate sex because that was the only way I knew how to get connection. 

Finally, A couple years ago this blew up in my face. Out of lust of Damon Salvator the bad boy in Vampire Diaries I manifested an American who looked strikingly similar to him and had similar non acting interests. On a beautiful night in Santa Cruz, CA my friend decided to have a beach party. 7 or 8 attended and I was on a rare moment happily myself since there were only two guys and both were in relationships, and what I considered too young. I told embarrassing shit stories of when I was in the Army and we all drank and bonded.  What I didn't know was this boy 7 years younger had fallen for me, went home broke up with his girlfriend of three years and started pursuing me three days later. Naturally I was completely off guard and scrambled to put on my protective swave game face. Bam spiritual barefoot Emily vanished and out came wholesome, catering, attentive, adventurous Emily. 

We fell in love hard and fast. He worked in the forrest and loved to fish, which fit right in line with my family's way of living. Everyone was shocked I was dating an American with a red Jeep and a yellow dog. We moved in together two blocks from the beach and everything was going great, until I started getting sick with my Chronic Fatigue symptoms. He started to realize I was depressed with suppressed anger, which only magnified how uncomfortable he was with his suppressed feelings. As I got sicker I became more spiritual and obsessive with Feng Shui hoping to fix my life. He was alien to the idea of energy and even what healthy food was, and I was all about that when I got sick because I had saved my own life with diet before. A great love, or ideal of love, turned into two near strangers living together trapped after a year and a half. 

One day laying on the couch I put his arm around me for one too many times. I told him that it felt forced for him to be close to me and I absolutely don't want to be around someone who doesn't want me. In that moment I l probed him hard learning of his flailing feelings and immediately, what felt out of the blue, we broke up. I was already too sick to work and lonely from his rejection of my natural treatment methods.  This made me feel so awful, but so so much worse when I learned he had been sleeping around. By now I was unable to hold down even my own massage practice so I flew home to Alaska to be with family and recuperate. During the month home, he began a new relationship, and there was no mending it.  When I returned I found myself with a fast timeline to move out and another girl was to move in immediately after. Thus began a heartbreak so painful my health hit the floor. I moved to Alaska where I now reside and have worked hard to forgive him, which I feel I have genuinely done. 

It took a heartbreak so painful, a true rejection from someone I loved, and two years for me to sit here and say this. Not representing myself authentically is a form of self rejection and shame that can be so terribly painful and devastating I wondered how it has not killed me. The moral is to accept myself, and courageously be myself, thus attracting people who feel the same about themselves, and have the capacity to give to me in a way that is less likely to be detrimental. So how do I do that when I have so much shame and have never been authentically myself around any man or immediate family member for fear of rejection? That is exactly why I am asking the question throughout the day 'What would someone who loves themselves do?' because, I don't know yet. I'm at what feels like ground zero of unconditional self love. I do know that self rejection is a futile leaned behavior to seek acceptance and now a state too painful to live with. 

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Edited by toemilyjune
Highlights and pictures added.
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Day 4 of 365 days of 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?'

Yesterday I found myself not wanting to ask the question in fear my higher self would tell me to do something I didn't want to do. For example: Go socialize with your family instead of watch tv. Also, it crossed my mind I could ask and ignore the answer. As it was just me and my thoughts I contemplated this and decided that defeats the purpose and you can't 'cheat' your way into self love haha. Today my goal is to find a sticker, piece of jewelry, eyeliner, or something and mark my hand to remind me to ask the question. I'll probably alter my phone and put up a sign in the living room while I'm at it. That's the luxury of living alone. No one to walk in and think you're nuts when they read 'What would someone who loves themselves do?' on the wall. 

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Edited by toemilyjune
Added picture to match Teal Tribe on Facebook.
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Day 5 of 365 days of 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?'

I, a self proclaimed commitment phobe to making plans in advance, bought a ticket to a classical guitar and percussion concert at the local college. I bought it a full 10 hours before. What the hell is happening to me!? Naturally, I got a huge headache a few hours prior to the event. I assured myself I would ask the sacred question an hour before and give myself an out. I did, and before I could finish the sentence I got, "Go the concert" By this time I can't tell where that voice was coming from, my higher self, or the ego that had paid $10 for the ticket. When I sat down in my seat I did have an out loud chuckle at the idea of going to a percussion concert with a headache. I snuck out in the first act and bought some water with my card from a vending machine that never did tell me the price. That helped immensely.

Anyways, a far cry from my norm watching 15 hours of tv daily in the name of Chronic Fatigue, I've committed to some events. Really really low low key things. Like, six of them. I know, its fast. Also, I'm a private person to avoid the judgement I admit to dishing out, because lets face it, thats the standards I was held to. (Teal really knows her shit about the cause of Chronic Fatigue being conditional love).  Posting this stuff publicly has been challenging. What's not challenging is hearing your stories and realizing I'm not alone, and that I take myself way too seriously. Thank you so very much for being there. I am humbled and genuinely value every one of you so much that my judgement becomes non existent, like an outdated coping mechanism. 

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Edited by toemilyjune
Highlight day. Add picture.

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Day 6 of 365 days of 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?'

I realized today just how lonely and desperate to seek approval in every interaction I have with people. I wonder if everyone can see through me. Is it true what they say about nice people covering up the fact that they're the biggest inner assholes? Well, I was really nice to everyone at the pottery show schmoozing if you will. I came home to desperately seek more approval with my daily post which failed massively on a social scale. Luckily I took a step back to realize that even if it's not going so well in Teal Tribe it's really going well as far as its way to shape my life. The whole point was to keep myself accountable anyway. I knew I was vulnerable but damn I'm sensitive and I've taken this nice mousy way of being into every interaction I have socially. Do you think when I love myself I'll genuinely not give a shit what other people think?

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Edited by toemilyjune
Added image, highlighted day.
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i think we will always care how other people feel, what they think of us and all... It's just, intuition will become strong enough that you will know whom to be truthful to, vulnerable, kind, with whom to not try, not give away

i also noticed some stuff, that when i try to be likable to people that from the very beginning my intuition tells me "no", and i didn't listen, out of fear of remaining alone, which is illusion in the end, after some time i get hurt ( the ego gets hurt i suppose, cause it was the ego all along acting there). Of course i will, i was never meant to confide , 

it's actually manipulative, ... 

In general, i don't think we will ever absolutely not give a shit about what other people think, as we are one, we need each other, and all that... And i don't think that is the idea. But noticing this is a progress, so.. :)

btw, i am personally very attached to what other people think, (ego is) , even in my zodiac it stands how sensitive i am to criticism, ... so :) I get what you mean...

shadow keeps you whole

Edited by Mai-da
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On 11/4/2017 at 10:55 AM, Mai-da said:

i think we will always care how other people feel, what they think of us and all... It's just, intuition will become strong enough that you will know whom to be truthful to, vulnerable, kind, with whom to not try, not give away

i also noticed some stuff, that when i try to be likable to people that from the very beginning my intuition tells me "no", and i didn't listen, out of fear of remaining alone, which is illusion in the end, after some time i get hurt ( the ego gets hurt i suppose, cause it was the ego all along acting there). Of course i will, i was never meant to confide , 

it's actually manipulative, ... 

In general, i don't think we will ever absolutely not give a shit about what other people think, as we are one, we need each other, and all that... And i don't think that is the idea. But noticing this is a progress, so.. :)

btw, i am personally very attached to what other people think, (ego is) , even in my zodiac it stands how sensitive i am to criticism, ... so :) I get what you mean...

shadow keeps you whole

I think you are right. I came to that conclusion after some more thought. I don't want to be cold and shut off. It would be nice however, to shrug opinions of others off that weren't in line with what I hold important. Maybe I don't want to shave my legs and be rejected by your ridicule, and maybe I don't want to mind if someone thinks I should be doing this or not that. Thats what I'm hoping, to be less sensitive to shit that doesn't matter to me for the sake of fitting in. I'm think fitting in is like a unicorn to an INFJ anyway. What do you mean by "Of course I will, I was never meant to confide, it's actually manipulative."? I think maybe something got cut off there. Thanks for reading however much you did and taking the time to post. 

Edited by toemilyjune

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Day 7 of 365 days of 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?'

What a great day! It was nice to wake up to something I was excited for. I had my first wheel thrown pottery class inspired by the sacred question. I bought something off craigslist in a very upscale neighborhood to help finish a project I've been procrastinating.Then I picked out artisan sauces for my step dad to have new flavors to try in his new vegan venture. He, my mother and I all went to a very healthy restaurant they would never walk into otherwise. You should have seen my mothers face contorting at the menu. Priceless funny. I'm really glad they loved it because I didn't want to be responsible for ruining his birthday dinner. For his present, my mom gave him a Cuisenart food processor. We each attempted to put it together as the others watched.  After a few videos making it look effortless, we unanimously came to the conclusion it was broken.  I told my mom my sauces were better than her broken machine and she actually flipped me off. I was so shocked she did that I burst into laughter! I chucked off and on for minutes which only made her glare at me with a subtle smirk, more determined to to figure out some obvious issue we were all overlooking. Thats what happens when Amazon ships to Alaska haha.

I broke a 19 day fruit fast to support Dave on his birthday. That was a big deal for me. I'm very determined to heal. It was worth it though. I really enjoyed that time with my family. Eating fruit is not what other people are doing, and there are so many amazing temptations from just smelling cooked food. Needless to say, I've been eating alone for this, and the months prior when I was the only one in the family attempting vegan. My dinner of salad and raw dressing, felt surprisingly very heavy. I guess compared to eating no overt fats and 80% grapes it would. In case your mouth is open with thoughts of ' she's nuts', and 'why?', I'm doing this to detox the virus causing my Chronic Fatigue. Well, something in the dressing fired it up though. My hands, hips, and knees were all aching, and the ear infection I thought I was over showed its face again. It's amazing how something I ate two hours before could cause pain in so many different places in my body, and far from where the actual food is. Soo, back to fruit for me. Actually, I was kind of grateful to have such clear cut symptoms of a food that is counterproductive to healing. All said and done, I was out of my apartment from roughly 11:30am until 9pm. That was due to the sacred question. Momentum is not to be underestimated. :) 

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Edited by toemilyjune

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here is part of a poem called “If” by Rudyard Kipling that I find quite inspiring (slightly altered to remove male-oriented language)

If you can keep your head when all about you, are losing theirs and blaming it on you.

If you can trust yourself when all people doubt you, yet make allowance for their doubting too.

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies.  Or being hated, don’t give way to hating, and yet don’t look too good, nor talk to wise. 

...

if you can bare to hear the words you’ve spoken twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools

...

if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,  if all people count with you but none too much

if you can fill the unforgiving minute, with 60 seconds worth of distance...

then your is the Earth and everything that’s in it...

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8 hours ago, toemilyjune said:

What do you mean by "Of course I will, I was never meant to confide, it's actually manipulative."? I think maybe something got cut off there.

Well, I find it manipulative to be aware you don't like a person, but act as if you care what they think. Like, if someone actually doesn't like you, it means you are genuinely not a match. That's like why I don't find accurate the theory and existence of unrequited love. If you work on your shadow and stuff, it will clean you so much, that you won't need to TRY to fit in by matching their thoughts in a way, you simply won't put any efforts anymore, because you will reach a point you know we are one. ... 

So, it's manipulative to know all this, to be aware of your thoughts, of your attitude, to know it's damaging to the integrity of both partners, and continue to say you worry, or care, when actually we just want to receive so play the game, even lead it with manipulation. When you become aware of anything, you van choose weather to continue being that way, if you don't want to change the course yet, or you change. 

So I must have used absolute stupid language here, but I cant explain better now. 

Btw, I read some of the above and I can't believe how similar I find youwith me, the way I was once. I find similar many ppl though, but I was like you some time ago, totally. Thing is with shadow work, you won't need to TRY anymore, to be authentic or anything, you will reveal yourself to yourself, and it starts naturally in a way...

Bye * 

Edited by Mai-da

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Day 8 of 365 days of 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?

Asking this question has made me aware of how often I would tune out that little voice that looks after me. The one that says, drink some water, brush your teeth, or fold your laundry. The one that tells me to do some dishes and take out the trash because it will make me feel better. Before this process, I had gotten so used to tuning it out. For a while I let my apartment get pretty funky in the name of feeling good/ok in the moment. Now that my place has been clean for a bit, I realize the obvious news flash, sometimes you have to do crap you don't want to do to feel better. I also seems  I'm building trust in myself by not ignoring that gentle nudge that looks out for me. It's not trying to control me like voices in my past. 

On another note I went to a raw vegan potluck at my married male friends house. He's big into church which frankly intimidates me, but it's nice to be around someone who isn't cussing and complaining all the time. I'm trying not to let his religion define him, and even seeing my communication with others more clearly being around him. A lot of people showed up. I had a great time. Before the process I would not have gone. I found a recipe, bought the stuff and put it together without obsessing over it like I normally would have. I didn't even care if people liked it. Even though I wasn't feeling great the whole time, I wasn't riddled with anxiety. I think that is because I'm going out for a bit everyday and that gives me some more confidence I'm ok off the couch. In fact, I quite prefer to be off the couch!  (I'm on the far right.)

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Edited by toemilyjune
Highlight day.

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17 hours ago, Ricardo Ventura said:

@toemilyjune Please keep going!, this is great!

Yes!   @toemilyjune  where is day 9?  

(Even if you don’t post, keep going on your process. I want to say that I commend your initiative to take this on, and also your bravery to share what you are going through.)

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Day 9 of 365 days of 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?

Day 22 on my raw vegan diet. The day after gorging at the raw potluck was spent on the couch with continuous rotten egg burps and green runs. I went roughly 20 days of eating nothing but fruit, then ate a lot of fat and high amounts of different combinations of foods all in one sitting. Naturally my stomach and liver protested dramatically with gusto. I decided a loving thing to do would be to drop the tough act, overcome my fear of bothering people, and reach out to the two other guys on this raw challenge with me. The three of us are grouped together in messenger.  I was surprised how supportive they were of me even after I admitted I how badly I just want a damn grilled cheese and some eggs covered in salt. The thought of more grapes and bananas makes me what to throw a three year olds angry tantrum at the moment, and the veterans they are, understood perfectly. Without being too mushy their support was very sentimental to me. Even though I haven't had a grilled cheese in over ten years due to food allergies, let me tell you the cravings are very real right now. A couple weeks ago, out of the blue, I could swear I tasted bacon. Detox is a funny thing like that. By the way, if you ever get rotten egg burps oregano oil pills will knock that right out. I tried a lot of crap on the internet first but trusty intuition took care of that!

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I thought I hit the post button last night but it was staring at me first thing ready to go. My bad. Thanks a million for reading. This is exactly how I stay accountable. I appreciate you! 

Edited by toemilyjune
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Day 10 of 365 days of 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?

Laziness is frowned upon in my family big time. Even though I have a serious case of Chronic Fatigue medically documented with hospital visits and blood tests, I still feel the pressure to present a productive front to the world (, more accurately, my family). What this looks like for me is going full force on my diet, staying up with the most advanced healing information, and being active in groups reading about others journeys and success stories.  Why is this important? I'm 34 living in an apartment my family owns and am financially supported by them. I don't want anyone to think I'm a mooch! This weighs heavily on me and is very hard to admit publicly. 

I think this is how I got into a thought pattern of asking 'What do you want?' frequently. I would be laying on the couch or something and start to feel guilty like I should be doing something else. I would ask this of myself and no answer would come and then feel even worse because I couldn't answer it. I still get stuck like that but now I'm retraining to ask 'WWSWLTD?' instead. Nothing profound comes. Maybe it's get dressed, or write, but what I'm learning is that I just get up follow through with the answer, the moment passes, and it doesn't feel as demanding, or guilt driven. I'm thankful this process has uncovered another way I put pressure on myself. 

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Edited by toemilyjune
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