Mind's Eye

What do healthy relationships look like?

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What do healthy relationships look like?

I come from a home where everyone is yelling at each other a lot and I always feel that I have be on guard, emotionally. Always having to defend myself from verbal attacks. It’s almost always from my mom.  When she is mad she lashes out especially if she is not in control or if something is not done her way. Any way, I want to ask people on here for examples of what a healthy relationship is suppose to look like.

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Hmm.  My mom does that sometimes but it feels like it’s to manipulate you not to love you. Then when she gets mad, doesn’t get her way, or you do something a different way than what she wants (in her words the wrong way cause only her way is right) she absolutely looses it. It’s  always at random like the flip of a switch. Instead of asking for something she will bark out commands, say that she did nothing wrong, and will put the blame on you. She will basically beat you up with words.

She has always been this way and I don’t see her changing anytime soon. 

After what she said to me this morning I’m going to get my own place again, whatever it takes. I don’t want to be around her anymore.

Could you give an example of what that would look like? I’m having a hard time seeing how that would look. 

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well, it looks pretty real. 

first, if you have hard time imagining it, it means you have hard time or havent even done it yet, built a healthy relationship with yourself. It all starts from there. So moving away from a toxic person is already listening to and supporting the aspect of you that can't stand it anymore. Healthy relationship with yourself would be to listen to, be with, honor all of your aspects, but sometimes we need to totally shit all over them in order to finally start taking care of them, which is all us right. All of these fragmentations, hurt children of/in us, they just need attention, need your full presence. You need to integrate them, that is the relationship that is wanted, needed, the healthy relationship with yourself. And this is a life long relationship right, so it's every day, every moment, that you take care of you, of them. But you have to meet them first. The vulnerable aspect, the protector, and all sublayers, specific ones created along your journey

Building a healthy relationship with yourself will guide you to building healthy relationship with people outside of you, around you , and recognizing them 

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On 10/16/2017 at 10:56 AM, Mind's Eye said:

What do healthy relationships look like?

Health is very relative. It comes from the health of one self. 

We are all sick and traumatized in one way or the other . So when you meet another one who is as sick as you are... it feels pretty healthy 

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I was hanging out on one of FB groups I am a part of and there was this question that I replied to. I am going to copy/paste it  because I think it also fits and expands the current topic here regarding the health of relationship :

"Dear friends, how do you know in a relationship when you're experiencing a rough patch versus its time to end the relationship? How do you know when its 'too much' work?"

My reply:

There are three major areas that would need to be examined between the two partners:
1. Mind connection (attraction to each other's mind, wisdom, depth and flavour of thoughts)
2. Heart connection (care, respect, love, trust)
3. Sex connection (attraction, desire)

The relationship can exist just fine if #3 is absent because it compensates itself a lot through a loving touch . And if #3 is desired again then with the help of #1 and #2 can be worked out because #1 and #2 are fundamental for #3 to flourish and blossom. 

However. If #3 is absent. Or if #3 has become a painful subject to even touch PLUS one more of the connections is "broken" then it would be one of the first red flags to look at.

People can have sex without #1 and #2. But I can't call that a relationship so not much thinking here, lol

#1 and #3 are very similar in a way that it continuously requires "feeding"  and attention that  brings satisfaction in a long run.

#2 is either present or not. No one can fake it. The other person will always feel the difference. 
Heart connection has the ability to stimulate #1 in a positive/negative way . So whichever is more present in your mind shows you the difference in your thought patterns and is the result of the current relationship. 

If #1, #2, #3 are absent then ..... it is time to ask a question if it's really worth bringing dead horse back to life.

 

I would love to hear your thoughts !

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Every relationship is unique . 

There are so many books about relationships and this number keeps growing . 

I think health of the relationship is not  always something I saw in just one particular relationship. For me it is an accumulation of all the things I found absolutely adorable about other couples . If I like smth I try to bring it in. Copy if I have to. Because what I've noticed people usually see what they like about other couples but they don't do it in their relationship . It's great when things come out of nowhere... but for the most part that thought stays only a dream.

The qualities that I find and think is a sign of a great relationship I collect for my own relationship . It's like building a skeleton with the bones . The more of these bones I collect - the stronger the health, lol

People are creatures of habbits . When we have our own routine and stick to it -> we feel safe, certain and secure . 

So every couple can establish their own habbits /routine depending on the life style , work schedule and other possibilities. This could be things like drinking coffee together every morning ,  holding hands, kissing ,  opening doors (he), putting his socks away (she), etc. etc. etc.

Speaking from personal experience I feel that for us our routine and habbits has always been those bones we fall back to without falling apart.

 

 

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On 10/21/2017 at 9:03 PM, Garnet said:

I was hanging out on one of FB groups I am a part of and there was this question that I replied to. I am going to copy/paste it  because I think it also fits and expands the current topic here regarding the health of relationship :

"Dear friends, how do you know in a relationship when you're experiencing a rough patch versus its time to end the relationship? How do you know when its 'too much' work?"

My reply:

There are three major areas that would need to be examined between the two partners:
1. Mind connection (attraction to each other's mind, wisdom, depth and flavour of thoughts)
2. Heart connection (care, respect, love, trust)
3. Sex connection (attraction, desire)

The relationship can exist just fine if #3 is absent because it compensates itself a lot through a loving touch . And if #3 is desired again then with the help of #1 and #2 can be worked out because #1 and #2 are fundamental for #3 to flourish and blossom. 

However. If #3 is absent. Or if #3 has become a painful subject to even touch PLUS one more of the connections is "broken" then it would be one of the first red flags to look at.

People can have sex without #1 and #2. But I can't call that a relationship so not much thinking here, lol

#1 and #3 are very similar in a way that it continuously requires "feeding"  and attention that  brings satisfaction in a long run.

#2 is either present or not. No one can fake it. The other person will always feel the difference. 
Heart connection has the ability to stimulate #1 in a positive/negative way . So whichever is more present in your mind shows you the difference in your thought patterns and is the result of the current relationship. 

If #1, #2, #3 are absent then ..... it is time to ask a question if it's really worth bringing dead horse back to life.

 

I would love to hear your thoughts !

To continue my monologue here... jk

My parents are not the greatest example of a healthy relationship but they are also not the worst.

Growing up I could tell they seem to have very strong #2. And also #3... and I know that not because i have also a brother but because I actually heard the noise from their bedroom  many times all the way into my adulthood . My father's favorite joke to drop was the secret to life, longevity and youth is cell exchange . Unfortunately , this was the beginning and the end of any conversation about intimacy.

What my parents severely lack is #1. 

It is so hard for them to find common ground in almost any conversation (I guess, that's why they never talked about sex with us). In fact I rarely saw them talking .  There was no smartphones at that time so the awkward silence was often filled with TV sound. Holidays/family gatherings  are still the biggest events and the doorway to connection between them.

The evidence of the mind gap has become so obvious as the years went by... You can just see it with the naked eye.

I remember watching them argue. ... it's like trying to speak through a thick glass. The good chunk of the problem has always seem to remain under a big question mark. And no one understands why. Or perhaps one does and the other doesn't . Like the constant problem around dirty dishes ? Really?..... Today we do shadow work on that but back then.... what. the. hell????

 

 

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@Garnet I like how you made a list of each type of attraction and how each part fits into the relationship. 

I didn’t know that each one played into the other. I have only been in 5 relationships in my life and was barely able to stubble through them. The longest one I’ve had is six months. I’ve always thought it’s something you’re born with or you’re not. And I’m definitely not or I at least do feel like it. Idk how I was able to get the 5 that I had. Luck I guess. 

Sorry for being so negative about this. It’s something that makes me very nervous and I’m very insecure about it. 

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Can anyone imagine not being able to hold a normal conversation with your partner unless it's in a form of some type of argument?

I guess... I hardly can... thanks to my parents....

But I just can't see it in my relationship.

I think this is why I always easily feel drawn to people whom I can speak freely as if I don't have to think much. Or write a script. That has always been a red flag for me. The easier I can speak, the closer I feel. And if the feeling is mutual then it's even better.

Many of you probably already know that English is my second language . Funny that when i first came to US I could barely say a word. Had a friend doing all the talking for me. Not kidding . 

And then I met my husband . .. BAM! He took the cork of my champagne bottle and all the sudden I could speak. The new language has emerged . I still can go on for hours and he understands what I am saying! Have to use a dictionary here and there.... but for the most part it has always been easy and felt very natural. The words just flow, come out and easily received . And that's healthy for me.

In Tantra they say that there's a connection between a woman's mouth and her pelvic floor . I am very sure there's something similar for a man as well.

It has to be a strong verbal connection between the two or otherwise you will be living life with a hand over your neck.

So.. there you have it.

 

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Thanks everyone again to everyone who contributed to this discussion.

I did some very deep shadow work resonantly and discovered that I did not value myself so I was looking for someone to do it for me.  I also found that I was ashamed of my own masculinity. I was being "nice" just to get people to give me value. 

I now see the value comes from within and that you have to value yourself first before you can receive or give value.

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I just had a reality check. A missing link.

Teal has mentioned several times that the reason people suck at relationships is because we are not taught about it.

Can't agree more.

And the bad part about it is that I've been so much into this subject myself that I have no clue how to even approach it as a beginner . 

The way I was /am learning about relationships is mostly by observing /reading others. 

Most importantly ,  I am still on my deepest journey to many more discoveries thanks to my husband whose love and support makes it all possible and I am so grateful for that.

Growing up I was into reading . "Angélique, marquise des anges" book series were my favorite "bible" study on relationships . Also I was watching 1-2 episodes of another French comedy after school "Hélène et les Garçons". I stumbled across an American version of this series  while searching the full name in Google but I know nothing about it nor if it's any close to the French . 

Then one day as I was cleaning dust and all the sudden I started finding new books hidden 2-3 rows deep down the book shelves. So apparently my parents were also looking for solutions to their headache . I don't remember the titles of those books even if my life depended on it but the Q&A format of one of them was very impressive witch gave me a good standing ground in the future (Thank you, mom and dad) 

On my 16th birthday my dream came true and I received my very first portable music player with built-in radio . I quickly tuned-in into all important radio talks I was already listening with one ear on the kitchen radio. There was one talk in particular about sex/relationships that I actively participated in through paging services/ messaging (age test, anyone?)

It hit me today that I am not sure if I can close my eyes and let our pre-teen to land his hands on just about anything . And let's face it ,  in today's choices and availability hands fall often with just a few clicks .  I do trust his choices. I don't trust the sources. At least not all of them.

So, what I have realized is that I haven't build a good healthy ground for his hands . .. yet.  I am talking about something tangible he can reach for like reading a good book before bed as far as relationships go. Because everything that I 've read is in the past and I don't have with me now OR it is spread all over the internet .  The only decent book in English that I've read and can relate to is not his reading format ! "Getting the love you want " a guide for couples by H. Hendricks and H. Hunt, in case anyone is interested . 

There are these "Show Me How" book series that I see him interested in and he asks to buy it every time he sees one. He already has "Show Me How To Survive" book that he is absolutely in love with. The problem is if you look inside the other books format especially the ones that has to do with relationships.... IT IS SO DRY.... And that's the reality !!!

The books are practical, don't get me wrong. Perhaps I am over thinking. Perhaps not. Perhaps I need a second opinion because my hair stands up every time i look at its  wordless pages. Well... maybe it is a start for a conversation....

Anyways, I am planning to go to the book store/library and see what's new out there. I'll post later if I find anything.

In the meantime ,  perhaps any of you remember what has influenced you? Affected? Where did you start? 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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