jm105

Ruined my own life, don't know what to do now

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Ruined my own life, don't know what to do now

I'm 26 years old.  I had a ton of interests when I was a child/young teen, but I didn't have enough foresight to structure my life so that I would be able to make a living out of those pursuits or even to learn or be involved in them at all.  I got lost in obsessive or addictive behaviors because of a deathly fear of my body, illness, anxiety, self-rejection, spinelessness, arrogance, and lacking the concept that I could have positive results from doing anything.  I have wasted many years that I could have been using to develop a great life.  Now I've already wasted the time and money and support that could have been invested in those pursuits.  I'm horribly depressed and I haven't had a social life or a generally good experience with people since I was a child.  I haven't had fun in an extremely long time.  I have wasted my life and let my spirit die over so many years that I don't feel compelled very much by the worth of whatever I can do from now on.  I will be in the shadow of the life I destroyed forever and that just makes me want to die.  I don't think I can have a fully satisfying future and I don't want to live that kind of life.  I don't know what to do, but I'm moving away soon.  
 

Edited by jm105
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you are just 26. Trust me, you'll find your way. We all need to start from scratch at some point, can you imagine even older people do it, imagine how frightened they are, like what are their chances. But they do. There is no other way. You have to be with yourself, maybe analize what have you done "wrong" before, where were your slip-ups for example, and then move on. You have all possibilities in your life because if you open up to the universe, it opens back to you. The lability of the foresight to structure your life might be coming from childhood issues: numbness, lack of mirroring, emotional neglect... I dont think having fun is what ppl like you are supposed to be looking for. Enjoyment from time to time yes, but when you have lost track so much, you should focus on healing, not being part, or feeling better just because others'society does. 

Best,
 

Edited by Mai-da
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- I imagine that because all I have learned and experienced in all of this time is just a lot of disappointment and that I was misguided by my beliefs the entire time, so I feel like I have the knowledge of a 12 year old + how to live in a very different way, but I feel like because my youth was so empty and pathetic and so much of it just amounted to years of repetitive alone empty destructive sad disappointing frustrating time, instead of at LEAST having some kind of youth where perhaps I was troubled and stupid but at least I had the balls to take action other than lying in bed, which clearly yielded negative results for years straight and wasted so much time.

- Lack of mirroring yes, emotional neglect probably, but I also just completely gave up on life by 18 when I decided that I hated my body and thought I could never be happy the way I am.  So I isolated myself and distracted myself from the idea that I was failing miserably and went on antidepressants because it was the only solution that was ultimately offered to me in response to my chronic panic attacks and phobia.  Then I just played out an awfully disappointing life and also was only hanging out with a narcissist who I will not blame for anything but just as an idea of what was going on, would shit on everything I liked or wanted to do or was and every way I acted and pointed out how stupid I was all of the time.  I was too weak to decide to have my own identity so I just let myself play a bit part in someone else's life until I eventually couldn't sustain my life with my sickness and moved back home to finish school, late, almost having dropped out, while dying of orthorexia, and then I spent the next 3 years here trying to find some alternative way to make a living and how to just live a safe life where I have as little responsibility as possible. 

Now I want so much more than that but I've already fucked up all of it, and this entire time I haven't had friendships or relationships or engaged in activities or learned about the things in life that interested me.  I am completely unfulfilled in every aspect of life and I fear I will be insatiable forever.  I can hardly stay in the moment at all because my life is so pathetically and disappointingly empty and it's completely my own fault.  It just makes me so resentful and yet I know that resentment is the opposite of what makes everything better.  I can't see the good in this.  Even if I learned something from it, I believe that I could have learned it in a different way where I could have gotten a lot more out of the experience.  Having this disappointing of a life is just unacceptable to me.   I try constantly to see the benefit of it being so lacking but I keep coming to the conclusion that it was ultimately bad and it shouldn't have happened and I picked one of the worst potentials anyone could ever pick.

Edited by jm105
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yeah.. you have a broad view of your life, that's pretty real and for merit. It's ok to be resentful, i see your point, i can relate a lot, so, no worries, just keep on going, i know it's tough but maybe you can find humor in the way beliefs made us all shit on our lives and going places doing stuff just out of fear and longing to belong. We are all in the same shit. Belief systems destroy all ppl's lives. It's just How we should live, how we should feel, all that ingrained in our psyche and spirit moving us somewhere, but you always learn from it. I can see you really know where you're at, and that makes you suitable for changes. It doesn't matter what you have done, what made you do all that mistakes, just keep on moving, now, true to yourself. All that shit happening in your childhood, all the influences that you are not right, you should be this/that way, put them aside. Check videos from Teal on how to tackle a belief and how to dissolve it (i dont remember the name of the video), check the video on resentment, all is good, you know what you want. I have orthorexia too btw, haha , i just checked what it means, but it's just a social conditioning. Don't take the pills, just be yourself, clean all the shit you've been taught you should be and your vision will unfold and you'll know what and how to do it. 

love ya,

best

Edited by Mai-da

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"True to yourself":  I have some important decisions to make that will influence my life forever and I don't really know what to do, and I want to start making things happen now but I don't even have the experience to know exactly how I want to approach anything.  I don't know how much to dedicate to pursuits that I could end up wishing I did or did not spend time on, and I feel like I have to choose between one sort of fulfillment or another.  I can keep moving but I want to have a clear idea of what to do so I don't fuck everything up more stupidly than necessary.  I suppose I could just start with living somewhere that has everything I need.  I do have an idea of where that is.  And then believing that I can have my own community and not play a role as a small, suppressed, shameful person.  And embrace the idea of all social traditions in the dimension of their intent to allow people to get together and have fun which is foundational to what I've always wanted in the first place but on another level rejected.  And not identify as an outsider and be an origin instead.  And be an origin so good and righteous that shame wouldn't make sense.  

By the way, I am a man.


I still feel like I will probably be resentful for the rest of my life, maybe I can still enjoy it, but I don't know.   It feels like I chose to downgrade severely on the fun part of life in a way that damages fun forever. 

orthorexiaclub4everrrrrrrrrrrrr

Edited by jm105
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i know you want to hurry up, but this takes time. I wish you would clean yourself first. Start feeling yourself, from moment to moment, what do you now need, what do you want to do now etc ... You don't know how to approach anything because you have lost track of how you feel and what you want and need (though i wrote in previous post you know what you want, when i reread it, i felt the rejection, it isnt fully true). In order to not do mistakes anymore, in a way, you have to learn how to feel, how to feel yourself first and place YOUR needs above anything and anyone. That doesnt mean to be hurtful, it just means you need to find yourself, again

I agree with the intent of social standards. But wanting to belong has led ppl to totally abandon themselves and the true nature. 

Resentment is a step forward anyway

yeah, check the videos i told you about, and do not rush, now the moment is important, what you need here and now, cause you've fucked up a lot, it really doesnt matter anymore how your future will look, just clean the things in the subconscious first, and step by step it should unfold, probably will

you already know where you want to live, see :)

hug

Edited by Mai-da
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I can relate. I remember being passionate about so many things until my parents forced me to choose another path and i betrayed myself. since that point I keep trying to forgive myself but it doesn't work. everything tells me that I should live another life and be a different person and it sucks. I felt so much anger and you probably angry at yourself too - just know that anyone in your situation would make the same mistakes. I had experience with antidepressants too and it messes with your liver, which also struggles a lot from constant anger, so I'd really recommend liver cleanses of all sorts, I felt so much better after doing liver flush following Andreas Moritz technique.

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Thanks.

I don't know how I can ever tend to my in-the-moment needs and also create such an elaborately fulfilling life that takes years of skills and so much throughout lifetime stuff.  It feels horrible like "You're young, you've never had fun, and you can't really do anything you really want to do but maybe you can have some bitter lols in between playing out a life that is ultimately extremely sad whose purpose you have failed to fulfill.  If you can still get out of bed."  

Edited by jm105

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@jm105 your life is the thoughts what you thinking, no body told you did that (ruined)  you just convinced your self and looking around for additional validations to approve that, maybe at first start to think from ,,I'm ruined my life" to >> How I can make feel better right now, This Minute This Hour, watch Teals How to feel better, Feel Hopeless. 

You have to  stop care what you Don't Have and to star value what you Do Have, suggesting to check  next video, may it makes more sense where the life joy from gets other people 

https://youtu.be/6P2nPI6CTlc

have a good day

Edited by vincent
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6 hours ago, jm105 said:

Thanks.

I don't know how I can ever tend to my in-the-moment needs and also create such an elaborately fulfilling life that takes years of skills and so much throughout lifetime stuff.  It feels horrible like "You're young, you've never had fun, and you can't really do anything you really want to do but maybe you can have some bitter lols in between playing out a life that is ultimately extremely sad whose purpose you have failed to fulfill.  If you can still get out of bed."  

Don't put too much pressure on yourself, i agree with a comment above, ask yourself what is the most loving thing you can do to yourself each given minute. You don't have to know everything off the bat and do everything right, trust the universe to give you the information you need in the right time. But also if you can afford going into complete hopelessness and grief - maybe do it, you will naturally improve your vibration by surrendering to these emotions.

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