michaelmendes

relationship shadow

16 posts in this topic

relationship shadow

Hi i'm mike, Lately i've been noticing this habit of mine to be short or rude to my girlfriend (not proud of these moments but they do happen). Her and i talk about it but i can't seem to get past whatever is bringing it up.  I've done some shadow work and i think i've traced the feelings back to my sister as a child. She was always mean to me but i always looked up to her.  I was always her punching bag, and i think i'm taking these feelings of pent up rage and powerlessness out on my girlfriend. My girlfriend for some reason seems to trigger all of these feelings back for me, even though she's nothing like my sister.  She's sweet and loves me a lot and i don't want to keep doing this to her.  Has anyone had a similar experience? If so, i'd love to know how you resolved it.  I'll be trying some shadow work in the meantime, i'm sure just being aware of this will help significantly

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I do.  We've been together almost five years but we've both been in a rut lately.   We're both hurting each other out of resistance, but our desire to work things out is still strong.   I just want to find the root of my resistance but it's been tough lately

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Sounds like something is trying to wake up within you through her.

Remember that you are the one who is in control of your actions and responsible for it. If you don't feel that then you are going to feel triggered and it's probably going to get worse untill she realizes that she is basically your punching bag and puts a stop to it. What are you going to do then? Does it really have to get that bad?

 

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5 hours ago, michaelmendes said:

I do.  We've been together almost five years but we've both been in a rut lately.   We're both hurting each other out of resistance, but our desire to work things out is still strong.   I just want to find the root of my resistance but it's been tough lately

yeah, the duration of the relationship doesn't matter, neither the will to fix things, it might be just a will to "punch" the heart and what it tells you to both. People use this term resistance to explain everything now. Sometimes, thoughts, actions, behaviors, are actually valid, sometimes resistance is actually valid! :))  you just seem to me pretty honest and above, while you were spontaniously writing, you didn't mention you love her, but that  you appreciate the fact that she loves You. 

i am sure this doesnt need to be true, you can/will still be together, of course, but the subconscious yes, it can get in the middle of things and make you doubt 

Edited by Mai-da

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I've been able to validate my own resistance, as have i to hers.  I'm also aware of the use of the term to bypass any real vulnerability, but i'm only using the word "resistance" to spare you the details.  however, my love for her is normally a lot more noticeable but i can't deny the fact that i've been hurting lately.   She told me she had been flirting  with someone else.  Most of my time has been spent trying to heal the pain that that brought up.   So i'm not surprised that you picked up on the fact that i didn't mention i love her. But when i get out of that triggered state of mind i'm able to really admit to my feelings for her.    Also, i appreciate your honesty.  this is kind of my first time talking to someone besides sandra(my girlfriend)  about anything that's bothering me. 

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also can someone tell me how to reply to someone on here specifically? Garnet, i see you posted something and i want to reply to you but i just don't know where that option is on here

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12 hours ago, Garnet said:

Sounds like something is trying to wake up within you through her.

Remember that you are the one who is in control of your actions and responsible for it. If you don't feel that then you are going to feel triggered and it's probably going to get worse untill she realizes that she is basically your punching bag and puts a stop to it. What are you going to do then? Does it really have to get that bad?

 

I am realizing that more each day. I came on here for some input on it because i don't ever want it to get to that point.  I've already been torturing my mind with all the scenarios that this could cause.  lately i've been brutally honest with myself in regards to this specific problem and i've realized a lot already. 

2 minutes ago, Mai-da said:

monkey (@) and name :)

lol thanks.  this "quote" button seems to be what i was looking for

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9 hours ago, michaelmendes said:

I am realizing that more each day. I came on here for some input on it because i don't ever want it to get to that point.  I've already been torturing my mind with all the scenarios that this could cause.  lately i've been brutally honest with myself in regards to this specific problem and i've realized a lot already. 

 

I think every relationship has its own challenges to go through . Mapping the problem is a big step forward . It's good that you continue working on it and yourself . 

 

Edited by Garnet
Quoted someone else

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Maybe it could be the earliest concept about women that you had developed while growing up. I only can talk for myself, of course, but I was raised surrounded by harsh women and until now I carry that with me: When I used to interact with a woman or a girl I always expect to be mistreated by them, this put me in a high defensive mood and made me behave in a super reactive way.
I hope that this could help you in some manner =)

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On 10/18/2017 at 12:06 AM, Elfa said:

Maybe it could be the earliest concept about women that you had developed while growing up. I only can talk for myself, of course, but I was raised surrounded by harsh women and until now I carry that with me: When I used to interact with a woman or a girl I always expect to be mistreated by them, this put me in a high defensive mood and made me behave in a super reactive way.
I hope that this could help you in some manner =)

Yeah i think it's something along those lines. Deeply embedded into me is a fear of women.  I know a lot of men have it, they're just too afraid to admit it.  I had a lot of attachments to the female figures in my life that it just left me completely vulnerable to girls and it was so easy for them to shake my confidence so effortlessly.  How are you doing now around women? Were you able to heal any of that?

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I would love to say that I was able to heal it, but what I've been done is to become more conscious about it. For instance, when I have an argument I tend to feel more hurt if it happened to a girl than if I had a similar discussion with a male. I try to analyze what's going on inside of me and it's something like this: "Well the dude and I must be a bit stressed and not reasoning clearly" while with a woman I tend to be more like: "Why is she always in a bad mood? always so angry? always attacking me..." or even when we are just trying to reach an agreement I'm always expecting the worst like: "She will freak out at any moment...". Now I acknowledge that I'm not dealing with the woman who is front of me instead I'm seeing my mother, my aunts, and my grandmother. In other words, the image of these women is between me and any other woman. 
Another step that I'm gathering the courage to take is to let them know my wound about being scared of pissed off women in my childhood. It requires a huge amount of bravery to ask help and say: Please help me to reach you beyond this trauma.

 

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On 10/20/2017 at 7:05 AM, Elfa said:

I would love to say that I was able to heal it, but what I've been done is to become more conscious about it. For instance, when I have an argument I tend to feel more hurt if it happened to a girl than if I had a similar discussion with a male. I try to analyze what's going on inside of me and it's something like this: "Well the dude and I must be a bit stressed and not reasoning clearly" while with a woman I tend to be more like: "Why is she always in a bad mood? always so angry? always attacking me..." or even when we are just trying to reach an agreement I'm always expecting the worst like: "She will freak out at any moment...". Now I acknowledge that I'm not dealing with the woman who is front of me instead I'm seeing my mother, my aunts, and my grandmother. In other words, the image of these women is between me and any other woman. 
Another step that I'm gathering the courage to take is to let them know my wound about being scared of pissed off women in my childhood. It requires a huge amount of bravery to ask help and say: Please help me to reach you beyond this trauma.

 

That's awesome that you're able to reach these realizations.  I've been doing the same things.  When i take a moment to be conscious, i'm able to see all of the person's past experiences that lead them to act the way they're acting, as well as my past experiences as to why i'm so triggered.  I'm happy you responded, it's really nice to talk to someone that's going through a similar issue

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I think you are some steps ahead of me because I've never been in a position of compassion in regard to the women that hurt me in my childhood. It's hard to me feel empathy for someone who is scary in my earliest memories. 
I'm looking for new experiences in order to deconstruct this idea of "women being intrinsically angry and pissed off" by asking my friends to introduce me their female friends. One thing that I noticed is that I'm always nervous about contacting them because thoughts like: "I will annoy her with my conversation" flood my mind. 
However, reframing the pieces of evidence from our past experiences is another important aspect of changing a belief and in this case, empathy is a vital key to understand why they were so upset.
Thanks for replying me and sharing your thoughts!

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