Elena Roldan

Self-love and pride?

3 posts in this topic

Self-love and pride?

Hi beautiful people! 

I have a question regarding self-love when a break up or an "unfair" situation occurs. It has happened to me before that in romantic relationships, I have been told that "you need to love yourself more" when I have been dumped or the relationship has ended. 

Few years ago, I was dating a guy and he literally broke up with me because he said "you always come to me when I call you". What triggered that comment was the fact that this person was working till 7 am and I waited for his shift to finish so I could see him. I was very confused back then when he said "you need to value and love yourself more". I didn't really understand... what did self-love and value had to do with that...? If I love someone and want to be with them, spend time with them, see them and that is the only time I can do so, why does it mean I don't value myself?

Now I am encountering another situation that I don't really understand... I have recently gone through an emotional breakup. Long story short, we both decided that intimating didn't do us good so we would just continue being friends. We used to talk every single day about anything and everything, but since the incident he has distanced himself. Now he is in a relationship, and the communication from his side has stopped. I have a commitment to be friends with this person, and obviously if he doesn't want me in his life, I will walk away, but people keep saying "you need to value yourself! Cut him off! He didn't do you good! Show some pride!" And I really struggle to understand this connection between pride and self-love... I love this person, he is someone important to me and I want to continue valuing our friendship despite what happened. He is human, made his own choices and I respect that, why do I need to "cut him off" or punish him for being who he is? Obviously, I am not gonna beg anyone to let me be in their life and if his decision is to not have me in it anymore, so be it, farewell, buy I don't understand that "show some pride" relationship with self-worth. 

I am really struggling with this because yes, I do know I lack on self-love in some areas of my life, but I really don't see the connection. 

May I know what are your thoughts regarding this? 

Thank you very much! 

Best,

Elena

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Elena, I also share the same confusion concerning pride and self-love. I recently experienced a similar situation. We were not together but I was interested in him and he was fully aware of my feelings for him. He never admitted to sharing these feelings but he attributed this to him not being able to express himself properly to me.  At the time he was homeless and I did everything I could to try to help him. I bought him food or cooked for him when he hadn't eaten. I bought him a new phone when it was stolen. I would sneak him into my house at 2 am after work, just so I could spend more time with him. My 30-minute work breaks were spent standing by his side while he held up a sign that read " I need money for weed." I always did everything I could just to be around him. In the end, when we finally addressed my desire to be in an intimate relationship with me he told me I did not love myself. He hated the idea that he had someone younger than him providing for him and taking care of his physical needs. He told me I needed to stop helping people with things, then later specified he meant helping people out physically, like for example buying him a phone or food. He couldn't be gay he said even though he identifies as having no gender and claims he doesn't believe in sexuality. I asked him if I could end all communication with him so that I wouldn't be thinking about him or give in to the urge to contact him. He told me that wasn't self-loving because it would just be me running away from my feelings for him so I didn't end communication. After this, I tried contacting him once. We agreed to meet and he never showed. After this he distanced himself and we haven't spoken since.

I'm sharing my story with you in the hopes that it helps you to self-reflect. I do not think you express self-hate when you go out of your way to be with someone. In fact, I think it's perfect alignment with self-love. How can pursuing love and intimacy not be self-love? You do seem to become attached to people who are emotionally unavailable. You give them all the love and attention you can and it seems like they are not receiving you at all. Perhaps this is because you are not fully present with your own emotions. The fact that we feel confusion over self-love and pride tells me we don't completely understand our feelings for this person or our own emotions. This means we need to practice attunement with ourselves and others. Teal has a nice video about that it might help you. Maybe we think it best for ourselves not to have communication with these people but we crave that which we can not have. Ask yourself why would I want to be in a relationship like this? What part of me might be in contradiction to what I think I want. ITS SUPER CONFUSING. But I would say you have to come to a resolution within yourself about your feelings for this person and whether or not you deserve to be with someone who would so easily give up on you only to get with someone else. I think they might even feel inferior to us and that's why they become emotionally unavailable to us in the first place. Please let me know if anything I said here was of any help to you.

Sincerely,

Jose J Pagan

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Thank you so so much Jose for your reply :) Well, it has been a while since this happened and the self-love part it has been kind of resolved although my relationship with this person has ended because I chose to. It still hurts but as you said "think whether or not I deserve to be with someone who would easily give up on me to get with someone else". Last message I got from him felt very empty and although I know he meant good, it hurt me even more, so I decided to let go because I actually DO value myself highly and I wish to spend my love, energy and thoughts on the people that treasure me the same and want me in their lives. Still struggling with managing my thoughts and the guilt from making this decision... I am usually the type of person that will do anything to make things up, so stepping out of that pattern is very hard for me. Still work in progress :)

 

Thanks again my find and hope you are doing good yourself.

 

Lots of love for you!

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