Enoch

Sexual shame or shyness?

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Sexual shame or shyness?

How do you know whether you have sexual shame or you're just a shy guy? Is it even possible for a dude to have sexual shame?

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very good question. I wonder the same, or was once wondering the same, cause i am very shy, (though loud at times) and also have or had guilt around sexual desires/sexuality. 

so you just need to observe yourself :)))) lots of help there :)) 

weather its guilt or introvert shit 

what i would say

though i still need guidance 

a lot

Love

Edited by M-eow

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yeah btw, shame is a painful feeling, therefore hurtful negative (i dont like negative positive terms), shyness is rather cute, positive

there you go :)

dudes should probably get involved in the discussion too, cause i'm a girly womany 'M. :)

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"Regret" means "I believe I did bad"

"Shame" means " I am bad"

"Guilt" could be somewhere in between regret and shame depending on your particular connotations.

But I think maybe when you say "sexual shame" maybe you mean fear of revealing to someone want you want to do sexually.  

I have no idea what particular sexual activity you might have in mind but I have a couple of questions for you to answer for yourself:  would it be awesome to do this sexual activity with another person who wants to do it too?  

Does it stay within the spirit of "safe, sane and consensual"?   If so, then get over any shame or shyness and have fun.

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I'm not talking about some freakish sexual activity, I'm just unable to even hit on someone. And I don't know if I'm just afraid or it's something deeper that makes me feel like I'm a horrible person because I have a sexuality.

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I know this feeling, I am definitely very shy and an anxious person at times - I even dropped out of my first year of college and was diagnosed with GAD and SAD, but I overcame a lot of my anxiety through the growth I had through meting a man. Anyway, I am also bisexual and I have been raped, twice. The first time was how I lost my virginity to my first ever boyfriend and it wasn't my choice (involuntary consent) and I was very, very young, age 12, had never even kissed anyone before him and we dated for 2 months. I had told my sister and mother about it the next day as I knew I needed the birth control pill and I was scarred with the sham of bringing this to my mother, the guilt of her reaction, the shame of the doctor's reaction when I went to get the pill ( at the time you need to see a doctor to get it), and I kept that a secret, until I opened up to friends two years later - and the shame finally resurfaced as my aunt found out-which made me terrified my dad would find out and disown me, someone who I thought was my friend in the town spread lies about me too. To top it off, I finally decided to go to counselling for it through my school and one afternoon I overheard the school counsellor gossiping to my art teacher about what I had told her in confidence.

All of that was my first experience associated with my sexuality.  Let alone the feeling of sex being "only something for the guy's pleasure" , since that first non-consensual sex, was completely for his benefit, there was no focus on me nor was I comfortable or safe to say no and thus I also have shame around my own pleasure too, at least with a partner. It took a long time to finally believe I had healed from that experience, but I guess I haven't fully healed, and also I was raped again aged 21, by a complete stranger on a night out and that sent me back to square one.

So even now, when I am with a partner I have shame come into the experience. I've to try really hard not to be like this. I've tried having casual sex, where I didn't care about the other person and had some wild nights, but I ended up getting attached because female biology (damn those bonding chemicals). I don't enjoy casual sex because I don't get anything from it - although non of my ONSs were truly ONSs, they always turned into FWB relationships ( and I generally always caught feelings). Then I get into relationships with people I don't truly like, but they like me,, because I don't really care if they leave or don't want me and I wish I could get into relationships with the guy I do truly like but I'm terrified he'll hurt me because I find it so hard to trust him independant of my past experiences. So I hold back, or avoid him, or get with other people I don't care about.

 

I'm tired of it at this stage. 

I'm taking a backseat from the dating scene and really thinking about what I want. I'm trying to mentally prepare myself to overcome the shyness and shame for when I'm with the one I want to be with, so that if I get another opportunity to see them, that I'll be cleansed and ready and willing and able. That I'll be over my shyness because I understand the path I'll be on if I let my shyness win. That I'll be over my sexual shame because I love myself enough to allow myself to approach the guy I want to be with (and presuming it goes in my favour) that I'll be at a place where I'm respecting myself and my body and I'll attract the partner that does that: so the guy I like, should he like me back, we'll be starting a new chapter with mutual respect, and my sexual shame won't be as big an issue then because I'll feel safe and loved, and I think this is the key to overcoming that. But you've to do a lot of the work yourself. I have to change my behaviours, and it's a lot harder than you might think. But it will be worth it!

Hope this helps!

Edited by moonpriestessa
grammar/words
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4 hours ago, Rasmus said:

I'm not talking about some freakish sexual activity, I'm just unable to even hit on someone. And I don't know if I'm just afraid or it's something deeper that makes me feel like I'm a horrible person because I have a sexuality.

Hi Rasmus,

Are you old enough to be having sex?  We have no idea how old you are.  So assuming that you are at an age where it is appropriate to be in a relationship involving sex, keep reading...

You are not a horrible person for wanting to be sexual.  I was told when I was a teenager that women want to have sex just as much as men do, (and some women want it even more).  Everyone has a sex drive.  Some people do have a stronger sex drive than others.

What is the difference between shyness, and sexual shame?   Honestly, maybe the difference doesn't matter because either way you have to get over it, at least a little bit.  Sex is a normal part of a healthy relationship for an adult couple.  

Personally I have my own deep seated insecurities.  You want to "hit on" someone but something keeps you from following through.  Could it be the fear of rejection keeping you from following through? if this is true then you have some deep seated insecurity that somehow you aren't worthy.  And if that is true you could have two options. 1- figure out why you don't feel worthy, or 2- just realize that you are no less worthy than anyone else.  You have as much right to have a wonderful sexual relationship as the next person.

Edited by Scot
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To be honest I'm not sure whether I'm just making this up... but I'm 21 and for some reason got teary-eyed reading the question about my age so that might indicate a bit of shame haha  :) 

I don't even really want to 'hit on' someone, that's what makes it even more weird. It seems like a ridiculous thing to have an issue with given that I've never experienced anything horrible like what moonpriestessa describes. But thank you for your answer, I think it helped :)

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you don't have to feel shame people fucked up sex like they fucked up god lol, they turned it into fucking. We are animals also so we can actually feel into each other and feel their vibes, if they like us or not, like a energetic dance, or like loving someone like a sister, brother, friend, mother, father, or lover, we can actually pick up on that it's just the thoughts over ride what we feel in the body and we don't trust it, but that's real, that energy exchange going on is real. its fine to just want platonic relationships. In case you don't know about these labels, asexual, gray asexual, demi sexual, some people are like that, not everyone is super sexual and wants to just fuck. I personally like platonic relationships, but not everyone is connected to their soul so they want to fuck lol, which is cool, but people are different, there really is no normal.

I also grew up around circle jerks so that unhealthy sexual energy isn't a turn on to me lol, but everyone is different, evolving.

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On 9/27/2017 at 9:54 AM, Rasmus said:

To be honest I'm not sure whether I'm just making this up... 

It occurs to me that I have been thinking about my own issues and wondering whether I have been making "mountains out of molehills".  

I could push what I have been thinking about away and not deal with it but "what you resist persists".

So I think sometimes if we have a problem to deal with, even if it's just a molehill, we have to go to the molehill.  Let the molehill be important and deal with it.  

We are all worthy of loving ourselves.

We are all worthy of finding love from others.

"Be ... receive ... give thanks"

Edited by Scot
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I'm sorry if my issues made you feel like yours were not worthy.  Your feelings are valid and I didn't mean to disempower you, I was just trying to relate, or share my experience as a way of relating. 

I know lots of people who feel the way you do that are as young as you are ( I'm 24). 
I find (and my friends have found, both male and female) no pleasure in going out to a bar on a Saturday night because we don't like the feeling of pressure there is in the air of people who are desperate to hook up say, for example. It's like you can almost smell that crowd, say for example, if it's a bunch of guys, by the time 3AM rolls, and they haven't scored, there's a pressure among themselves to hookup and they get more desperate and even more desperate ( you can go out on a Saturday night anywhere and just observe this behaviour ), sadly I think there's a social pressure on young men of "hooking-up" and "being a man". Somehow if they don't score, they are less manly. Likewise when you see a bunch of guys and girls out, of the same age group (18-21) say, the guys look their age, but the girls look like glamorous prostitutes in their late 20s to early 30s. It's like they feel they only have their bodies to show and nothing else to offer, and society feeds off this too. Sadly this type of behaviour is found in the majority of young people today: you could go to any late bar, nightclub or disco and s this in abundance.

In my opinion, seeing all this go on, it all comes from a place of insecurity. So I think, in a way...if you don't want to hit on someone, that's not necessarily a bad thing - maybe you see them as a person rather than an object to use to make yourself feel more secure. 

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No worries, I understand that your issues can't make my feelings invalid. Only I can choose my own thoughts, and I used your comment as an excuse to invalidate my feelings - something that is neither useful nor very pleasant. :)

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10 hours ago, moonpriestessa said:

Sexual shame or shyness?

How do you know whether you have sexual shame or you're just a shy guy? Is it even possible for a dude to have sexual shame?

 

Of course , it's possible !

You feel shy when you're about to do something.

You feel shame when you've done something already and not proud of it.

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3 hours ago, Garnet said:

You feel shame when you've done something already and not proud of it.

or feel something you dont want to feel, or believe shouldnt feel (according to some standards)

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