Jose Pagan

Is this Self-Love?

4 posts in this topic

Is this Self-Love?

As of today I dropped out of college. I hate working. My mother, who provides for me, disapproves of my decisions and in my perspective is not concerned with my happiness at all. My family is very disapproving and judgmental and as inauthentic as they come. I've always felt like an alien in my own family. Like I didn't belong. I want to have self love. I know I hate a lot of things about myself. I know I hate these things for a reason, most likely because of extreme socialization by my family. I was overweight and still am to a degree.  I struggle to understand my own sexuality a lot due to traumatic experiences on both ends. I also still don't believe I approve of myself or my sexuality, even after coming out to most people in my life and losing most of my extra weight. I know I'm only 19 but I feel bad because I've never had a relationship or been with someone I truly love romantically. It almost feels like I've lived for a million years. Currently I reside in the Bronx, but I can't work here because my grandmother and mother disapprove of where we live. I've come to this point where I've decided to go for what I believe is the next right move to achieve self love. I'm trying to not care what they think or say but I'm terrified of not receiving their approval. But nothing they want for me makes me happy, and I've let them control my life for so long. I want to die most days. I cope by smoking a lot of marijuana and forcing myself to focus on whatever tasks I can get done that day. I spend most day on my computer or watching something. Now that I've dropped out of college and have no job I don't know what to do with myself. I started this blog called justsomepage. My website is justsomepage.com but I haven't posted anything or even worked on the site much.  I'm going to post this for a first entry just because it sounds like a good fit for my image of the blog.  This is all I have as of now. I have two sisters I would do anything for and who love me unconditionally. They are my strength, my will to live. I'm scared of disapproval, of being broke and homeless, of being rejected by my family, of being denied love. The worst part is that my biggest fear is failing  myself. I can deal with letting down my family. But knowing that I failed by my own hand and it's all my fault is unbearable. The thought of that gives me shivers down my neck and spine. I will continue to make self-loving decisions from this day forward. I will finish Teal's book "Shadows Before Dawn". I will take classes related to things I like or am interested in. This is all I can give myself right now, I feel like the next step is moving out but I have nowhere to stay where I feel secure or comfortable. I think this is in alignment with what my higher self wants for me. I'm also terrified that financial aid is going to make me pay them back for those classes I dropped.  I don't even really know what I'm asking. I fell like I just want approval from the community. But why is that a bad thing if it's good people?  I guess i just want peoples comments and opinions and support in my future endeavors. My name is Jose. Namaste My Loves. 

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Hello Jose Pagan,

First of all, thank you for acknowledging clearly your situation as it is. It is a huge step already towards improvement . 

I also dropped out of college if that's make you feel a bit better, but I do not hate working as long as i love what i am doing or i find love in what i am doing. There's no way around here for me, otherwise sooner or later i quit for good.

We all have parents and parent/child issues so while at home you have a great opportunity to start trying doing something. If you're not trying then you don't know what you like. To make your situation a little bit  even more better I highly suggest to ask your parents if they need help of any kind.  Trust me they usually do and there's always plenty of work around house . 

Make yourself useful as a human being where you are currently at and you will find your place of belonging.

Best wishes,

Garnet

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Hey, Garnet, first of all, Thank You for your reply it means a lot to hear some advice from someone who's made the same decision. I'm curious to know what work you find enjoyment in. I have two desires related to work.

1. To own my own reptile/pet shop.

2. Being a successful writer. I've taken the initiative by starting a blog and I'm looking for work in the pet care industry. I've already been called to interview for a position in a pet shop. Which means this has to be in alignment with self-love or my own expansion or something right? Any thoughts?

Edited by Jose Pagan

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