I don't know what to do? (Sorry for the wall of text...!)

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I don't know what to do? (Sorry for the wall of text...!)

Okay so I'll try to keep this short and sweet. 

In 2013 I met the most amazing person in my life - the male version of my soul. First time I laid eyes on him, he was glowing gold and he looked like Jesus, with a golden aura. He acts like Jesus too... ( Ironically I looked like the European Renaissance inspiration for Mary Magdalene and I was rare in a Catholic background and on of my earliest thoughts is of 7/8 year old me creating the artwork for our Holy Communion and crushing on Jesus Christ's image.... So I guess you could say, from my perspective, this person and our connection feels divinely guided on many levels throughout my life... ). We weren't together long but in the times we were, it was like heaven, he was all I could ever hope for and want. But as time went on, I got scared, scared this could never last and scared that he'd leave me and that he'd hurt me, as I'd been hurt in the past. Very hurt. My first relationship ended in involuntary consent, and I was raped, aged 12. He'd (I'm just going to call him Jesus) had awful experiences in relationships too. Really bad.

So as it goes...we played games. We danced around the way we felt and hurt each other in the process - he got with other girls, I got with other guys and the whole time, all I wanted was him. Things got nasty between us and I went totally nuts, but that was the result of this happening, the changes I was going through spiritually and I was attacked and raped again on a night out in 2014. 2014 was my descent to Hell. I bottled everything up and blocked it out of my conscious memory ( the attack) and as a result started react very out-of-character for my nature. The only thing that kept my alive was the experience of the love I had for him : When I focus on the love I have for him, I become the embodiment of pure love. I've never felt it so totally for anyone else but him. I feel myself become golden and radiate light. It's a pure love and it's beyond anything I've ever experienced and I know it's why I'm here. 

During that time, anytime we saw each other it was in conflict. However... he would do something that make me question his outward fighting. I'll elaborate more on this later. Also during this time I was going through a lot of spiritual growth and understanding too. I spent a lot of time away from him and I travelled a bit too. 

I had dated other people since I couldn't be with him, and I always found myself in relationships with people I didn't really love, or like that much. But they all seemed to hold one aspect, that reminded me of him. For example one guy was a very bad guy, similar age, and I liked that about him, and I should have stayed miles away...but I didn't. Ugh... But then I dated the guy who was a loving, spiritual person, who was into me and it just kinda fell into place. He was a bestfriend of mine at the time and I don't even know how owe happened but we did. He was so sweet - he had the same name as Jesus, but spelled it differently. Then we ended, and I dated the guy who Loved me, that knew me from my past and was like a more innocent, naive version of Jesus, but he loved me and I liked him, but that ended too. Then I dated a guy who looked like Jesus, but 10 years younger ( Jesus is 11 years older than me ), that ended because that guy was only interested in partying and drugs. Then I was with a guy that was like Jesus in appearance too and age, but he was more....hipster? He was lovely and interesting but that ended because that was more of a hookup that I felt cheapened by. Last guy I dated we the first solid relationship I had in a while, again he loved me more than him but I was devoted to him because I didn't think it was possible to be with Jesus ever again, and I felt a bit...lonely. He was like Jesus too, in ways. Finally the last guy I was with seemed like the next best thing to Jesus: He was from a place I'd love to live, he was so handsome (looked like Jesus -even my friend thought so ) and gentle and just the right amount of wild - he was like one of the apostles, so we'll call him Simon. He helped me feel like I'm desirable. What I'm trying to say here  is that they all had aspects of Jesus, but Jesus is the whole package. I'm wondering if maybe he had similar experiences dating others...?

Throughout all these scenarios the real Jesus has shown up. In the end of 2014 through to 2015, about two weeks before my relationships then ended, I bumped into Jesus while I was out and about. usually around this time I was happy with life and I'd be on my own and just see him and just like that, things would fizzle out and die. It's almost like just as I was about to move on and find happiness with someone else...he's show up to remind me not to forget him...

One time, he showed up, my relationship with 10 year younger Jesus ended and I went to Spain then. While in Spain, the only things in every shop I went into over there, were the clothes Jesus was wearing the night we first had sex. Literally every shop I went into - and I'm not talking like basic white tee and jeans. I'm talking about a specific pattern of boho trousers and a specific shirt/poncho. It's something I couldn't even see much in the shops back home that supplied that stuff. But these things and the exact style were everywhere in if reminding my not to forget him. So I couldn't get him off my mind and I drew a picture of the next time we would meet - how it would be, and forgot about it.

Fast forward 2 months and I'm at a music festival in June 2015, it's the summer solstice festival, and I'm walking around with a friend, we went down for just the last day. We're walking down this area in the festival that has rainbow coloured bunting, and it's the only place that does... and just like that I see Jesus walking towards me and it's exactly like the picture I'd drawn 2 months prior - I felt like a god, like reality stopped functioning and there was a glitch in the matrix. When our eyes met my heart literally exploded and I felt this sphere of lightened energy radiate out from me. At the time I felt that I had to be strong and not make the same mistake of running to him and kept my composure and that was it - because I didn't want him to think I was still crazy ( even though....if you've read this far you must think I am haha ), so I tried my hardest to not look back and just keep going - again even though it was all I wanted....My friend looked back for me and said that HE WAS LOOKING BACK AT ME THE WHOLE TIME. (  This is the kind of stuff I wanted to elaborate on earlier )....

There was another time on new years, 2016/17, when I was out with friends and he was out too, we were avoiding each other all night. It was so passive aggressive, but I thought it was easier that way, when again the whole time, I just wanted to talk to him and hug him but the drama from our past was haunting me and making me feel like he'd be better off if I left him alone... But I was walking down the lane out of nowhere he comes up behind me a sweeps me up into the most romantic hug - like a scene from a movie - and I felt my heart soothed and no worries... But i resisted getting attached and told my self that was going to be the last I saw of him.... and I've seen him once since then. But after everything we'd been through I never ever thought he'd hug me like that ever again...and he did.

The last time I saw him was just as magical...but it almost feels surreal at this stage.

We've both had another nightmare year of our lives it would seem - he lost him home and I've had to move back in with my folks, I've a bit of debt, no job offers and I had the added stress of final year this year.

Now the dust has settled and I feel like we will meet again soon, but I don't know whether the universe is keeping us apart for some reason or  whether this distance is to force me into radical action the next time we speak, because I have no idea where he lives now, what his number is, where he regularly drinks - the bar he used to go, where I met him, where I also used to go is now closed, his home-park was sold so he was on of 52 residents made homeless, I have no way of reaching him.... I thought that was the universe's way of trying to cleanse him out of my life... but then I got offered to do a photoshoot in the town he used to live. My friend then asked my to go with her to his house to see him only last week, and we'll be going in a few weeks -she has no idea where he lives but she has his number... ( I also don't really want to ask for it and be like "Hey, got your number of Crystal" - I'd rather see him first then get his number...but what do you think? Should I ask for his number or wait?). I even got in contact with the agency dealing with rehousing the residents from his park, to ensure they all got rehoused cause as of August this year there was still 9 of them waiting to be rehoused...


I haven't even got to the woo-woo stuff yet. 

Thanks if you've read all of this....
What would you do? Should I find a way to bring all of this up the next time we meet? Or let things happen organically?

Should I ask him about weird experiences he may have had? That go beyond the 3D experience....because I feel like.....maybe now w're both at a stage where we can help the other and are more powerful together as a unit, and that that's our mission in life? 

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you know yourself better than me, I'll just drop the model and you can do with that what you will. So life is more about evolving the soul inside rather then being human, this is a projection, so that means nothing outside of you is actually there, its all coming from within, we are co creating so every single thing and person you see exists in you and you exist in it, all one and connected. something would have to exist in you for it to project outward, it comes from inside first, the illusion is this whole construct of time and distance, but its all coming from within first, it's very real but I'm saying that's how it works. So since your soul is here to evolve everyone you meet in your life will have a gravitational pull on purpose, that's why people haves types and energies they are attracted to it's that aspect they are wanting to heal or whatever it is. some find other peoples trauma attractive to heal themselves through this person, or subconsciously finding someone like their parents, that's all the subconscious ego stuff, that's "karmic" relationships if you will. To find the one, your other half, same soul, is to find your own soul aspect within you, know that part of you and it will manifest outside of you, because everything comes from within first than gets projected outward. A lot of human beliefs have to change to get there, you will be triggered, like seeing him kiss a girl or having these thoughts that bring up an emotion, feel it all, you evolve when you feel those emotions and they always come with epiphanies, so worst case scenario in a relationship is you grow, that's the worst, you just learn and grow. The ego layer is the loudest and feels the most real, but doesn't mean it is, the soul aspect of you aka god is subtle and true, but if you can't differentiate between the 2 its going to be all over the place lol and even than, worst case scenario is you grow and learn more about yourself. Also since we are all connected even when you think of him or anyone you are accessing a part of their less dense aspect, the ego human layers is the loudest even though you could connect with someone right now, it will just be a more subtle energy of them, their stream, that's telepathy for you, it's real, its just the ego layer is so loud we can't even pick up on those subtle energies, but they are there

Also if you have to change yourself to get someone outside of you to love you, that's guaranteed rejection waiting to happen, and of course you will learn from that, it needed to be done to learn to love yourself more than anyone and don't change for someone to love you, it isn't real love if you have to pretend to be someone you think this person will love.

The illusion of distance is a lie too, everything is a projection so all aspects are being projected at one single point which would be god and its all overlapping happening simultaneously so yeah you are connected to everyone, the illusion here is separation and being In these dense bodies being limited by these 5 senses which could go beyond the normal range by the way. Listen to your higher self above anyone and yeah, be with him, evolve together, go for it, worst case scenario is you grow which the soul is here to do anyways.(I'm not saying this is an illusion it's very real, that's just the design, very nice design)

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