LostWhale

A darkness that does not end - I need help

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A darkness that does not end - I need help

Hi... I am desperate and feel like reaching out because I am so stuck.

I've been severely depressed for a year now. I have a suicidal episode every day, but am not able to kill myself because I still hope that things can get better. Plus guilt to those who love me. But all I've wanted for many many months is to die. I have lost everything in my life. It all crumbled to pieces and continues to do so. It is an intense full body agonizing pain that I cannot find relief from. I have not relaxed for this entire year, rather have been in a constant state of panic. I have no idea who I am or why I am alive. I feel like I am nothing at all. I have tried all kinds of processes and techniques, even the completion process with a facilitator. 

Before this I had a period of feeling connected to everything, happy for the first time, madly in love with earth and existence.

I am so exhausted. My mind is working at 5% capacity. I wish this could just be over. I have no more energy to exert trying to help myself. I have no interest in living except for a commitment I made a long time ago, which feels like a curse. I am at my weakest. Is there any hope?

 

 

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I'm so sorry you feel this way. I have depression and have felt suicidal before too. There is always hope because anything is possible, every problem no matter how big and complex has a solution.

Maybe it will help if you identify your desires, if you haven't, and then go towards them to be happy again.

hopefully I can help.

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13 hours ago, LostWhale said:

A darkness that does not end - I need help

Hi... I am desperate and feel like reaching out because I am so stuck.

I've been severely depressed for a year now. I have a suicidal episode every day, but am not able to kill myself because I still hope that things can get better. Plus guilt to those who love me. But all I've wanted for many many months is to die. I have lost everything in my life. It all crumbled to pieces and continues to do so. It is an intense full body agonizing pain that I cannot find relief from. I have not relaxed for this entire year, rather have been in a constant state of panic. I have no idea who I am or why I am alive. I feel like I am nothing at all. I have tried all kinds of processes and techniques, even the completion process with a facilitator. 

Before this I had a period of feeling connected to everything, happy for the first time, madly in love with earth and existence.

I am so exhausted. My mind is working at 5% capacity. I wish this could just be over. I have no more energy to exert trying to help myself. I have no interest in living except for a commitment I made a long time ago, which feels like a curse. I am at my weakest. Is there any hope?

 

 

 Hi Lost Whale,

Of course is Hope! Each second You can CHOOSE to believe in something, this is a Magic of manifestation, but I'd like to ask are you authentic with people loves you, and why you choose name LostWhale, did  you feeling by someone lost/left, or you found your self everybody away from you because (...)

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Dear LostWhale, i feel your pain.

True love will never accuse you for wanting to die, thinking of it, considering it, even making a decision to do so. True love will respect your decisions, your boundaries, your lack, and be there for it. 

You can find me on skype if you need or/and want. I do

Best,

Edited by Majda
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yeah I find I can't open up with people if I can feel them judging me, I'm like I don't need a fucking ego judging me, any fucking humans with activated souls around? if I sense any judgment I cant open up all the way, I could but it would be a waste because they aren't giving me space to express fully no matter how dark or low I feel. It's like I can feel beyond my skin, and I can feel when someone is in the ego, when I just want to connect with a soul if that makes sense. Chances are if you reached your soul you reached the darkest shit, which I need that lol.

I remember when I was suicidal I didn't want to do it because I didn't want this body to think it wasn't good enough to live, the soul inside of me was like no life is should kill itself even if the society is sick around. There are people that will love and accept all of you, I swear to god, accept you where you are not go have you gotten your shit together yet? that pressure people give you. Than when people end of killing themselves they're like I wish I could of done something, well a little less pressure and a little more understanding would of done it.

Also depression could also be your old self dying, since we are all evolving and waking up to the fact that this system is fucked and not healthy. When you are around people they activate you, so if someone would talk to me we would exchange energies and I would activate in them what I activated in me and they would active in me what they activated in themselves. So if you are around low people you get low, but there are people who will love all of you no matter how low, nothing you could say will make them flinch or not love you. our ego layer is the loudest so it feels the most real, so the loud ego becomes louder than the higher self that is love, your soul inside is love, so when someone is connected to their soul they love everything, and lower the loud ego layer that is subjective.

I would say stop watching tv, comparing yourself to people and listen to things you enjoy, podcasts are good, comedy, whatever feels good.

Since only now exists what you do now creates that in your future, so if you aren't working out now or reading, learning, laughing, whatever it is you would be doing that in the future since the future is nothing but past now's lol and what you were doing. Remember the ego layer is the LOUDEST but not true, it only feel true because it is the loudest layer, so all these thoughts are coming from the ego layer, the higher self is very quiet and subtle, but the ego is wrong, I don't care what seems solid to you about yourself that hurts you it's not true, it only feels true because it's the loudest. I had to be repetitive.

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Hello LostWhale,

I am glad you found place to open up about your feelings . Please know that most people sooner or later find themselves in a very low place like this where nothing makes sense anymore and it overwhelms the hell out.

Life is not meant to be all flowers and unicorns . Remind yourself that your soul chose this path for a reason and wait for a sign.

"Step out" of yourself and look at your life from above: from where you started to where are you today. Perhaps you will see a more meaningful picture this way and maybe you 'd gain a bigger sense of purpose to continue . 

In a meantime you are always welcome to continue sharing your thoughts here.

Sending Love&Light your way

Garnet

 

 

 

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Lost Whale, What you've written, I feel like I could have written about my own life.  I'm so sorry you're going through this.  It's really agonizing.  This has gone on for 7 years for me.  In recent years, I would really resist feeling depressed or down and I had a constant death-wish and suicidal thoughts.  It made matters much worse.  Now I just allow myself to feel badly and I actually feel okay more often. I know it will all change some day.  I don't actually know anyone who isn't really struggling emotionally and physically right now.  I just want you to know that you're in good company.  You're definitely not alone in feeling this way.  I think it has to do with all the planetary healing, purging and changes.  It won't last forever.  I hope this helps in some way.  Much love?

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I don't know much to say here except I resonance with your message and have been in your shoes too. Whatever you need from your communities, friend, family, ask for help and answers and receive it. I bet it's so hard having that awareness and pain and unable to produce a different result day after day.  I know you are doing everything you can to feel better, and hope it leds you somewhere and find a meaning to your darkness. Also I feel like you are helpingme in this moment.   So thank you.

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<3 
Can you describe what it was like for you before, when you were in love with Life? What kinds of things were you doing and what were you focused on?

Can you remember how it felt?

Edited by strangebotwin
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I hope this finds you well. I understand that feeling, completely lost, no passion in anything, and feeling the constant guilt of "what if" and feeling judged for it. 

Like Garnet said, step out of those feelings/pains/aches, if you can, and ONLY when you feel comfortable doing so. Don't pressure yourself into feeling like you have to do it fast. Try not to overthink the situation. Allow whatever feelings arise to come to full fruition, and sit with them. Ask yourself why is it such a bad thing to feel this way? 

Focus on the connectedness and enjoyment of the life you had before. Ask yourself, was it mask you applied to cover up the negative feelings or was that the true you? Was the true love felt genuine, or an illusion? Was the life I was living what I was meant to do, or was it a beautiful distraction?

This stretching year of pain could be the result of hiding your true (shadow) self, and its demanding attention now, and with the physical manifestations of pain, this is blocking your ability to delve deep into it and analyze it. Maybe it wants you to embrace it, therefore giving it attention rather than trying to get rid of it. 

These were some of the things I did to sort of aid myself into evolving into the person I am. I can't say doing these things will help you, and I can't say I'm a great person, I am just me.  I hope they do help maybe guide you into a direction that is effective. And remember, do whatever feels good to you, and go at your own pace. Don't worry about what others say, but don't disregard their concerns. 

 

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 @LostWhale you have foundered on the beach of lost souls and but have found willing helpers here. The fact that you have decided to reach out says a lot about your strength - though you do not choose to see that just now.

You may choose any one of these helpers above - all are willing and some especially will resonate with you. But know you are not alone in your feelings of desperation. And you are not alone as long as you are here among us... Closing off, shutting down, isolating ourselves seems all we can do but it is based on our thought patterns making us feel like this is all the fucking is. It ain't.
As Teal says, when she describes that moment of change she felt in that hole, there was a shift she felt that moved her to the next part of her upward struggle.

And as @Garnet says, it is a struggle. But it is worth it - You are worth it. Any wiping away of the dirt that is clogging your soul's brightness is worth it to help the light come in. Light banishes darkness and helps change your vibration. Do what feels loving and please take baby steps.
@Alex7 mentions it as well - that you have constant choice how to feel from moment to moment. The process of thinking where you are based on the past can be re-written. Your present Now can be your choice to keep living and the future doesn't have to be the same. Any light, any perspective from the caring Tribers above that they give to you and will continue to give, is to banish the darkness.

@M-eow wants to be there for you and personally help. Ups to M-eow.

Chloe1348, Natalie Taylor, Tugglebee, Strangebotwin, Vincent and Hungwin all want your best. And so do I. All of these you can ask and you will receive various answers. All in the name of helping one of us - a Teal Triber called LostWhale.

Yes, emotions can feel like they are drowning us but they are there for a reason. The jail bars of Belief - the story we have that holds us back are hard to break - but they can be broken. Even if you find inspiration in Teal's story - read that and know there are many out there like this that feel alone. 

We are here for you.
Love
crystal Rob

 

Edited by Crystal Rob
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@LostWhale I can relate. The answer is not an easy one.  I'm slowly picking myself up out of that hell now.  I really struggled with a purpose for me being here.  What helped me the most was when i realized why being here is so hard. Every moment of our lives we deny our passion and our desires to such an extent that we don't even remember what it feels like to like something.  I was going through my life, completely apathetic and so not enthused about anything. and the reason for was that in my childhood, someone else was always telling me that i had to be somewhere or do something against what i actually wanted to do.  I never actually made decisions for myself about what i wanted to do.  I placed such little importance on what i wanted to do that i literally lost an opinion on my life.  The world could've ended and it would've just been another day for me.  I wouldn't let you read this without letting you know how i'm pulling myself out of it. My life got bad enough that i realized that in every moment of our lives there is a decision we could make. And that is to live or die. and what i had been doing was dying while i was alive.  Something clicked for me in realizing that, that i started to ask myself if i had any preferences in situations in my life. I was able to feel the lack of desire to do things but i wanted to know if there was a rooted desire buried beneath all of that.... There was. and there is for you.  Some part of yourself wants to live but you're too hurt to recognize it.  When i started doing this,  i felt like i mattered a little bit.  I'm still fighting but i know now that there's a purpose for me if i'm willing to see it.  I hope it's not too late to send this and i hope this maybe helped a little. If you ever need to talk, we're all here for you

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I totally know where you are and kudos to you for opening up. Like someone said, your soul came here for a reason. You've been at the end of your rope for quite sometime, tie a knot at the very end and continue to hold on because it's going to get better. This is only a fraction of our whole existence, it's like being on a circus ride, there are thrills and chills and ups and downs, then we leave the ride and go home. The shift in the global consciousness is real and we are going to be the facilitators of it. It is very okay and very normal to feel like your vibe and connection fluctuate, we come out of alignment at times or we get to a certain hight in our consciousness and we become complacent maybe and fail to maintain it like you do with any relationship, self-love is in alignment with your higherself. You haven't lost anything, you are still very connected and you don't really go down in vibration, but we can become dormant. Enlightenment is not easy, there is a shadow side to Enlightenment as well, when we wake up and see the suffering and tyranny with sober eyes. This too shall pass. Find a goal or work towards something you enjoy. Goals are the breath of life, they keep us moving forward. Doing what you enjoy will bring you to your purpose. Start doing what you enjoy doing start connecting with nature and people. I want to share a concept that I just heard recently, think of life like a sheet of music and the spaces between the notes are the 'not so fun' parts of our life but they still need to be there so that we can recognize the notes right? Or it wouldn't sound like a melody. Miraculous unfoldings are on your way. Stay aware 

Edited by Micah
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Erp, apologies @Mai-da Mai-da; dunno where Me-ow came from...

@LostWhale are you still reading these?

I hope you contacted one of the above who are wishing to help?
I came across Teal's Energy Vampires entry (think it was an 'Ask Teal' episode... where she talked about the fact that no-one can take your energy from you - you give it away. But in creating a more loving state for yourself and of yourself, and creating Boundaries that say "NO" to others, it can give you the necessary respite to gather yourself together a little at a time. Please watch Teal's episode - I'm sure there are others there on similar subjects if you haven't already seen them - but LostWhale, do be in contact and stay in contact - we're all feeling for you.
crystal Rob

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