Angeldust

im a wreck pls help. I dont know where else to put this

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im a wreck pls help. I dont know where else to put this

Hi everyone.

Im posting this in the hopes to find some helpful guidiance...

Ive been wrestling with this stuff for many years and I seem to not be able to come to terms with it... but i am feeling more and more I am falling apart... I feel like I lost my consciousness, my inner guidiance... so im just going to ramble on and let out everything on my mind and heart that I could need some insight or help with. im a complete wreck. i kind of hope for someone to tell me look, i can see whats going on with you, i understand where you are at and this is what you can do. because i have no clue anymore and im so full of this shit that i cant see. 

good thing is as i am writing this it doesnt feel as bad anymore... so i think i shouldnt talk about it anymore cus it would only attract negative energy and and just go for stuff I like and that makes me feel good but im going to post it anyway.

If I do want to go for something that feels good I just get the feeling I shoudnt do it,... so maybe im not going for the things that are really going to make me feel good or is this a block? how can i know?

I have a lot of contradicting thoughts and beliefs and its freaking me out. like I just thought about applying make up (dont think im upset because i cant put on make up, its not about the make up here!) in oder to do something i enjoyed because i always loved doing it... but then I thought no, i shoudlnt put any make up on because its fake, and im not the kind of person anymore who wears make up, and its going to look ugly anyways and i will never look as pretty as i used to... and i dont even like it... but why did i think about putting it on when i thought of doing something i enjoyed, that made me feel good? like i dont get it... i understand the soul is the feeling but when i follow what i recieve as a good feeling my mind comes and just rips it to pieces and tells me no and how horrible it is what im doing and how stupid i am... like huh?! i understand this is happening because of my childhood, i remember growing up and wanting to put on make up and my sister would mock me (now she is wearing make up though, its liek she was just trying to bring me down) my dad said i shoudnt wear any, like constantly someone gives me reasons why i shoudlnt do what i want and like and if its nobody else its my own mind... and then if i do it anyway i feel bad about doing it, guilty, cant really enjoy it and it doesnt make me feel good at all... leaving me feeling like im not good enough when i was justy so excited to do it in the first place.... a decade ago i used weed  to numb these thoughts for about a year in which i experienced a lot of happiness and joy and selfexpression and peace but when i stopped smoking because i thought it was bad to do it any longer i lost it all... i went to shit and i understand because these feelings came back and were still unresolved...

i still havent found a way to resolve them really... i feel everything i do is just not good enough and will never be what i like for it to be... sometimes i think about going back to using weed just so i can be happy and at peace because my mind or people are so negative and mean to me that it would just be a release... but i dont want to depend on weed to do this and i know its not going to solve it longterm unless i kept smoking so what can i do, i have accepted all these thoughts and basically just gave up trying and it brings me to tears because i see all these people enjoying themselves, accomplishin things or creating stuff or just doing what they like but i seem to be held back all the time like wtf!!! it makes me so angry!!! and now i dont even believe i can reach my goals or desires, i dont even have any anymore like for what? it doesnt matter anyway... does it? and i htink ive just become such a negative person that i dont want to be around nobody because i dont like who ive become and i dont want to be a burden... like i want to be here to be a positive influence but im not... 

im thinking maybe its because of the relationship i am in, because it started while i was in it... like my bf seems to just keep me from doing what i want... and i allow him to influence me, so dumb of me, but what can i do... i understand this is because of me somehow, because its always been like this... im used to it...

like anything im excited about he doesnt really care for. which is fine he doesnt have to but i adopt his mindset like, oh if he doesnt like it than i shoudlnt like it neither... and its so dumb its killing me, i dont want this! when i got into this relationship i was a lot happier i think(but i understand the mind sometimes makes us believe things that arent true, like maybe i just think so now because im not really happy) but i thought i was doing well, i went for what i wanted, i was happy even though my life wasnt perfect but i was strong enough and motivated and had the right mindset to deal with this but now i just feel the opposite, like im weak, i dont know what to do, dependent not free... i think about leaving a lot but i love him so much and id be on the streets if i left, he doesnt want that, he says fuck no i dont want to lose you to the streets ... i wouldnt have a problem with it, cus ive been there before and im almnost thinking if i can feel more positive being out there than here im ready to go! but yeah i dont want to leave him...

gosh on top of that i left my home country years ago by myself and now im living in cali, without a work permit, no papers, nothing,... i cant even get a job if i wanted to cus america is so fucking stupid to not give jobs to people that dont have a work permit. how am i supposed to take care of myself? im mooching off my boyfriend, he says he doesnt mind it but he thinks just because hes giving me money and shelter he can control me and tell me what i should and shouldnt do, who i should and shouldnt talk to.. like fuck this.

i understand its my fault for coming here in the fist place but i dont regret it, i just wish i could make money in a way i enjoyed and be free from others telling me i cant do stuff including my mind... 

also all i ate today was two bowls of cereal in the morniing and a bowl of pasta for lunch which i dont thinkis  enough. like im hungry but i dont have an appetite for anything... it scares me.

i dont understand why this is happening... im scared ill just end up bingeing out because im not eating enough. im also scared somethings wrong with me. i used to eat a lot more and be more active, now i just want to lay around because i have no energy, desire, motivation or anthing. usually i just watch youtube vids selfhelp stuff or funny stuff to try to help myself or make myself feel better but im kind of sick of it because im just watching and not doing anything because i already feel so shitty

and yes i understand that selfpity doesnt help and we have to do something. but right now im sitting here with a headache and if i were to go do something it would just get worse...

yea yea excuses excuses... i understand. i should be doing my best and taking care of myself right, exersising and being there for the people that take care of me and love me or at least say they do... and i have but now i just dont want to do this anymore. 

idk i feel he doesnt really love me, i dont think hes really into me...

i kind of feel the negativity has to do with my boyfriend but i dont want that to be true and im trying to live without letting this affect me... like i want to be who iw ant to be no matter how negative people or life is. i just want to be me. and do what i like. and help others

oh yea i wanted to help my exboyfriend hes living on the streets and i wanted to bring him food and money and stuff he could use being out there but my stupid boyfriend is so jealous he beat him up (before i ever planned to meet him or approach him) and threathened to kill him... what an idiot. i told him how i felt and that i cant stand what he did... because i still love my ex (which my bf cant handle, he wants me to hate him and constantly compares us together like you guys were happier and blabla)  even though i  cant be with him and i still care about him and want the best for him i always have..) my boyfriend also told me if i left and got with him again and hed see us together hed break his legs... i told him many times i didnt want to be with him and all and have done nothing to break his trust. i think ive been a loyal and supportive girlfriend to him... 

im very open with how i feel about people and i tell them, so i told my bf that im thinking about leaving and i tried for many times but he just pulls every trick to make me stay and i fall for it thinking okay lets try one more time, he says hes sorry and really tries to change but only when im on the verge of leaving... then hes really nice to me.. other than that i always feel like im a burden to him,... he says im not but i feel it. i just dont know if i should trust him or not... what if im just trippin and hes actually a good guy and im just being a brat and my perspective is just wrong?

it also bothers me that i constantly have to get mad in order for him to listen to me or take me seriously. im tired of being mad. if im not i feel like im just going under, being walked over and that i dont matter....

for instance i told him i didnt want kids so i wanted to use condoms... i literally had to get mad that he would use them! and one time we were making out and about to have sex he just said come on!! and wanted to put his dick in me without a condom hes like let me put it in without it! and im like wtf is wrong with you, no! and hes like ok im sorry... it bothered  me so much he kept trying... and i keep having to defend myself or constantly stick up for myself its so exhausting. i even have to think for him sometimes bec i feel responsible and hes benefiting from it a lot which im happy about but im getting his crap in return...like where is he givign me the mental support?  like im working to help him and its working but hes just contibuting to me feeling like shit all the time. i understand my feelings are my responsibilties so im not blaming him its just so fucking hard and im tired of getting myself to feel good just to get knocked down like come on! give me a break!!!!!!!!!

anyway... i dont know what to do and im feeling pretty exhausted about all this crap so if anyone has anything helpful or healing to help me with this id appreciate it

im just so tired of being controlled or being with a posessive guy and for mylife to be such a struggle with so much emotional pain...without constantly having to stick up for myself because im not being respected!!!!! i want to be happy and successful and fulfill my lifepurpose. but nope its not for me i guess...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Hi,

A couple of things:

1/ Secrecy provides shame a place to live.  Shame dissipates when we get things out in the open.  So it is no surprise to me at all that writing your post made you feel a little better. Don't feel ashamed.  We all get stuck and need a little support from time to time.

2/ Doing what helps you feel good about yourself is good.  Just because people in the past have made us feel bad about ourselves does not mean that we need to make ourselves feel bad.  We need to treat ourselves like was actually like ourselves.  Teal makes the point "Ask yourself, what would someone who loves himself or herself do?"

3/ your boyfriend sounds abusive to me.  I hope that @s0147392 comes into the thread to shed some light.  She seems to be knowledgeable about abusive relationships.

4/ Every person on this planet deserves the right to pursue their happiness and fulfill their life's purpose.  That includes you.

Edited by Scot
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Thank u Scot. I appreciate the time u took to respond and what you wrote! And  Thank you for calling someone in to help!!! I'm trying to let your positive words penetrate my mind yet it seems my mind wants to discredit and destroy anything positive... I appreciate it though. It gives me some strengh and motivation to keep going. It would be such a bummer if he was abusive. Like another one? It would really make me feel like a complete victim...

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Thank you @Scott for tagging me to this post. 

I can help. as I had that same type of abusive relationship. 

Angeldust, please know that this is so common! Your bf is an abuser. He has manipulated you to a point of total confusion. The best advise I can give you is separate yourself from him and seek some professional counseling for yourself. Your bf will have to work on himself, but please don't count on that happening because it's very rare for an abuser to see that they are unhealthy and need help. You NEED to take care of you. 

Please know I respect whatever decision you make in your relationship with him, and am still here no matter if you decide to stay with him or not. You are the expert of your relationships. 

Best wishes to you!

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Well, in my eyes , you seen to have a massive cognitive disonance.

Knowing what to do , and not doing it can make us feel very powerless. This produces shame inside of you heart and that will lead you to more scenarios that mirror that lack of power..In your case , more specifically , lack of respect( or not being taken seriuslly ).

Self hate and a fragmented ego , will cause you to spiral into self doubt and self destructuve behavior. But if you watch so much self-help , i can imagine you already knew that.

My advice  :   Get your nutrition on point. 

Stop watching so many youtube videos that only make you feel more shitty about your current life situation.

And for that boyfriend of yours.....

 

He thinks you are stopping him from being succesfull and at the same time he is afraid of being left alone, so he gets and ego feed by capitalizing on your lack

of power , to keep you close and at the same time he kind of resents you and feels ashame of you. And you are going to resent him for the exact same reason.

Edited by Morpheus Wildcard
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Thank you @s0147392 for taking the time to reply and sharing your insight with me and showing respect for my decisions! (I really need this, to build my autonomy back up...) Im not sure if he is an abuser, because a few hours ago he was being really nice and took me out to the river to go for a walk and be in nature which is something that i need and appreciate. It seemed he really cared about me, He bought me lunch and drove me all the way up there! i can really appreciate this, we didnt fight, we had a genuine time and i felt respected and cared for. its amazing how this little trip shifted my energy from so frustrated and desperate to being okay. I think it was maybe my attitude that created all these percieved problems... I think he doesnt know what he is doing really and doesnt care because he doesnt understand... i doubt he wants to hurt me... i appreciate you offering your support !

@Morpheus Wildcard thank you for being honest with me and sharing your perspective with me! you reminded me respectfully that i do have power and need to use it, that its pretty much in my hands and where im going wrong! i appreciate this. i quite dont understand how i can or need to put this into action  (this is where i feel i lost my consciousness, like i feel so dumb all of a sudden, i usually know what to do and how to help myself...) but ill ponder on it for a bit to see if i can get any insights myself, but if there is any more advice youd like to share id appreciate it

you are right i definetly need to keep my nutrition in check... i looked after myself a lot better today and made sure i ate more and better quality and moved my body in nature and i feel a lot more positive and resilient. im still worried i cant keep it up but well see...

im not sure about him feeling like im holding him back, i was wondering how you came to this conclusion? i had this fear before and asked him about it, he said he didnt think like that. im not saying its true, and yeah its nothing i want for him. in fact i try my best and help him as much as i can, and i think its having a positive effect for him. i can imagine he thinks im holding him back because if hes about to do something stupid or he tells me he did (ie threatening to kill my ex) i tell him straight up and make sure hes held back in this sense. i know its not for my to control him but  i do not want to see him go to jail over any stupidy, dor do i want to be involved in anything... 

it sucks to think hes capitalizing on my power, but it feels about right. i do feel like hes ashamed of me a lot (maybe thats where i feel the shame too)... it makes me angry, like if he doesnt like me or says he loves me why does he feel like this towards me? is this even possible to love someone and feel ashamed of them at the same time? he always tells me he doesnt want me to leave... and that im his life and love etc... so its all about him being scared to be alone? so im just a buffer and he does what he needs to keep me even though he doesnt really like me, and if i wear to leave its only about his ego? gosh that would be terrifying!

im guessing this feeling of shame was inherent in me before and he is just triggering it? 

if you dont mind elaborating on fragmented ego a bit and what it means and how i can put myself back together id appreciate it! 

@hallucinogenic thank you for your input! yes you are right, i really need someone to truly care about me and i feel thats what im lacking. i used to care about myself enough to where i didnt feel the need for others to take care of me so much but yeah... its true, people sharing their love and support here makes me feel a lot better and equipped to handle this situation.

thank you so much to all of you, you guys are godsents

i realise talking about this that  im putting wayy too much weight on how he feels about me and stuff vs how i feel about myself and things... im not giving myself what i need and want but expect it from him which is not very helpful. and if i dont get it from him i start thinking negatively about myself because for some reason my self esteem has become so dependent on him... and its more crippling than empowering and im committed to stopping this, im not quite sure what to base my selfesteem on yet but im sure ill figure it out

i also remembered i needed to change my focus to what i want vs what i dont want yet i wasnt able to do this because i never allowed myself to let all this negativity out and get it mirrored by anyone. my bf only gets offended, takes everything personally (says hes a piece of shit, denies etc..), doesnt care about finding solutions or help me emotionally, so its not very fruitful for me to talk to him about things that matter to me. he seems to listen to what i have to say but falls asleep or tries to escape. i probably overwhelm him with this i cant really expect for him to be there for me like i am there for him even though i feel the need for people who are there for me in this way! i understand he may not be ready for this. which is fine even though it makes me sad feeling like my boyfriend cant help me with this. but im grateful other people can! :)

connecting with people here and recieving wisdom and advice seems to help me restore my health and selfesteem.

thank you so much to all of you! any more input is highly appreciated! 

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Hello Angeldust,

Wow Looks like you have a lot on your plate

It's good that you're already seeking solutions to your current situation but you also need to face the root of your current state that makes you feel powerless to changes/solutions  - your current status. What's your boyfriend 's take on this? Have you done any research on this and possibly apply for your paperwork ? 

 

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@Garnet thank you for your sympathy! you are right, it is a big reason why i end up feeling like this. i feel the system also doesnt really help here, and in fact wants me to be dependent on others.

yes i have done research on it, and it has more of an intimidating effect on me than empowering... which is why i feel like i do not want to do anything about it. it just pisses me off! 

as far as im informed and can understand it, in order to get a work permit , id have to marry someone here go through a bunch of meetings,possibly lawyer etc... . i dont really agree with doing this (getting married) just to be able to work here and stand on my own two feet but yeah...  i dont think i can get around this.. its not my intention to marry just anyone for this since id only accept a genuine healthy relationship that is nurturing to both and that is in spiritual alignment but honestly things can always change, so why would i get married to someone just to get a divorce later on if it doesnt work and go through a bunch of crap again? i feel it would just make it harder for people to split if thats whats best for all!  i never liked the idea of getting married... i feel i should have the right to work wherever i want. i dont know if this sounds selfentitled or arrogant or not but i feel this is really stupid!

my boyfriend knows all about this, he said hed marry me but idk.... i love him but i do not feel like i really want to marry this person especially because i feel insecure about our relationship being healthy at this point.. i actually do not want to marry anyone like i said

i guess i should be grateful and just take the opportunity? 

it makes me feel really angry that these stupid requirements and laws exsist! like im not trying to harm anyone! i just want to be here like any other person and live my life in peace and find a job if i want one so i can take care of myself and do not need to depend on others who might not even be good for me! i help out in a restaurant from time to time but am afraid of really committing to it because id be working illegally here which could fuck it up for me to ever get any permit here... im also afraid theyre going to ship me back and i dont want that i have endured so much crap here and found friends just to go all the way back to a place i really dont want to build my life in,.... 

 

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How did you get here, Angeldust?

If you can't get through the system you have to go around it, right?

As an immigrant myself I feel for you. I know the process is not always easy and can take more than you think. Been there, done that. I had a mess with my paperwork too and before my visa's expiration date I had people offering me fake marriage just to get me through 2-3 years mark untill Greencard. And I am not ashamed of this. You don't have to physically live together for this but you'd still need to create life as you were together through photos, bills etc. 

What's your major ? if college is not an option you can get work visa through your employer which was also two of my options. 

Not doing anything will not help to solve your problem. I can't say I was always proud of my choices  but at least I bought myself time and peace of mind which is what essentially led me on a path I am.

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wow thank you so much for sharing @Garnet !!! 

It makes me feel a whole load better about myself knowing someone else understands and knows what im talking about!!!

Well around 5 years ago, I came over because I met someone on the internet, fell madly in love, and he invited me over,  told me i was his soulmate, yada yada, and hed take care of me and such and what am i even worried about just come over, so I did , took me a while to decide because i wasnt sure i waited and wiated, after 6 month he still wanted me to come over so i did., after 16h flight all by myself he never picked me up at the airport, nor did he care about meeting me... I contacted him online, he told me he was married and that i should go to santa monica pier...(now i just think how stupid i was, but i was 19 or 20 or something...) i was pissed off, felt ashamed, abandoned, stupid, and no longer cared to talk to him so i just broke off the contact. good thing i had a visitor visa for 3 month and all my papers and money so i was legal at that point, i also had a flight back(yay me)   now im just laughing about it but back then my heart broke and my whole worldview was shattered, i felt distrust to everyone and everything. i was sitting at the airport for a few days, wasnt eating or drinking, and just contemplated what to do, i wasnt familar with anything, not as secure in the language and scared as hell. my phone didnt work because they have different chargers which i didnt consider (i thought my online boyfriend was going to pick me up and take care of me like he said...i trusted the wrong person ) i felt completely alone, i was on my own in a country ive never been before. But because i made it out to america i told myself i was going to enjoy two weeks (the time i had remaining  till my flight was going to go back home) and then fly home. with the remaining strengh i had i found myself a hostel to stay a few nights in and because i didnt want to spend money on it anymore i decided i was going to stay on the streets and then fly back home...so i went to the beach like he said and nothing... so i just stayed there for a while... i met someone cute and we talked and spend some time together... then guess what happened... my backpack got stolen with all my stuff, money, id, passport, visa, and yep, my flight was gone as well! and here i was, stranded, and fucked, scared, helpless, nobody knew anything and nobody cared neither... so neither did i and just ended up staying and traveling with my new found friend (he was an alcoholic but a very beautiful person...we traveled all along the coast, it was breathtakingly beautiful and its making me cry right now i wish i could have this again.  for the first time in my life i felt free, alive, loved, in love, connected, taken care of...  the  relationship turned into crap (so annoying! what am i doing wrong?) so hes now my ex that i still love very much (but didnt have any contact till recently he was in town so i went to check on him after my bf told me he beat him up and talked to him..). he was obviously not healthy but took better care of me than i could have being out there by myself.... ) this brings up a lot of mixed feelings and memories for me. we were traveling, made money panhandeling and making music with guitar (he plays really well and sings!)and drums from a pawn shop(i love playing drums) and we were careless and happy as ever had each other and it was all we needed, i was eating healthy all day (i am vegan) every day and felt so freaking good. so i regret none of this. i am very grateful for these experiences. but eventually i got scared being out there and tired of the way he was talking to me... he spat in my face, threw a backpack in my face and wanted to chocke me out...

i have replaced my passport with the help of a very kind lady, she was being very helpful and supportive when i was going through crazy shit with my ex...  my passport is expired now because it was only for two years and i told them id go back but i never did...  

today my boyfriend admitted that he basically intended to take me away from him. (he was successful) a lot of people wanted to seperate us, they said he wasnt good for me , he was also very controlling and posessive but it didnt bother me... i loved him a lot and he was good to me but eventually he got violent and dangerous and started doing meth... so i ended it... as rough as it was being out there for 3 years i enjoyed every single minute of it. now im here, with the guy that wanted to take me away from him... and yea. now i live in an apartment, and still dont have any papers nor do i have a plan really nor do i have an idea or A BIGGER picture about what i want to do with my life... sometimes i just think about running off again but i dont feel as safe being out there as i did back then and i do feel loved and cared for here... those 3 years out there i didnt worry one bit. it was just peace. yeah we faught and stuff but i was at peace and safe (bevore he got violent). it amazes me right now how beautiful it was. 

somewhere along I found a dog shes was the most beautiful dog in the universe, i named her angel because i found her right after i broke up with my ex when i was living by myself on the streets. she was such a beautiful dog. shed pick oranges from trees and bring them to me so i could play with her. then she ran away and got hit by a car.  the driver didnt give a fuck and jsut kept driving i witnessed it, amazing people that were there took her to the hospital, she broke her spine!!! her life was my decision, it was such a hard decision to make, i couldnt do it but eventually had to have her be put down. i looked her in her eyes and she looked in mine, i knew she was going to be okay... and said my goodbyes. if she didnt get ran over id still have her with me. she was a beautiful german sheperd. the most beautiful dog in the world. im crying as i write this... 

wow its crazy how my life is... 

now i just live here. in this apartment, watch my bfs kids on the weekend, help out in the restaurant and find myself depressed a lot.. thinking i dont have what i used to have, that im missing something, that im not happy, that i cannot have what i want, that i need shit i really dont want or care for... wondering if im crazy or a narcissist or wtf is wrong with me, what i need to do... what i want to do... and that i need to fix myself or my life.... and that im so desperate... poor me. lol sorry. 

sometimes i think about dying like yesterday night i just thought about killing myself, i really said yes god im ready take me, im done here please kill me, i have nowhere to go, i dont like where i am at and i dont see the light... (ive been here before many times but never told god i wanted to die). now i feel i actually really do not want to die, i just wanted for this horrible emotional state to end and to be able to breathe again and feel something other than depression or anger and be happy.

anyway i dont expect anyone to reply back anymore. i admit it is a looot of garbage and if anyone can read through all this and not want to kill themselves hats off! :) it just feels good laying this down even sharing it and becoming more conscious or aware of what ive actually been through. i just remembered i should be so so kind to myself. and even though people are going through worse shit everyday i have survived a shit storm and im perfectly fine, maybe have some emotional bruising and sadness and trauma and exerienced heartbreak and losses and crazy shit but im fine! im healthy. im good. i shouldnt complain. im so lucky and grateful to be here and to have the life i have. i am fine. or i will be. always

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@GarnetSorry for rambling so much about myself, I dont expect you to read it all. Good for you hey, you did what you had to do! how is your life now? are you happy? how is it going? do you have a job? are you divorced? how did they react? did they make it hard on you?

i really appreciate you sharing this with me. it makes me feel less alone and less ashamed. and you shouldnt be ashamed of this, this stupid system isnt your fault ;) i am proud you went for it and followed through, i dont think i can do it. 

do i need to be a citizen to get a work visa? i will do some research on this, thanks for the hint!

you are right, not doing anything will  not really help me at all... i can only imagine how good it must feel not to stress about this stuff anymore and to feel different than dependent, restricted, less than and a failure and burden because i literally cant do it myself. like a baby. but im sure you stress about other things... so i dont know if its really worth it, i dont want to make the mistake of thinking its greener on the other side...

 

 

Edited by Angeldust

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Oh, no. I am not divorced. I am married! 

At that time I was under cultural shock and after seeing how marriages are arranged here I was sure I would never marry an American man  just to divorce him later, lol How evil of me. Later on I married a very handsome Irishman with an American citizenship with who we created this beautiful family we have today.

@Angeldust I enjoyed reading your reply! all of it! i think you are the first person i can relate to in this way!

Gosh... you really have a lot going on. 

Personally ,  I have always looked at how things fall. You know, if something blocked you from going back then maybe it was meant to be this way? I was sure I was going back too but the company that i went through just so happens booked two people on one ticket and put  money into their pocket . Obviously . The other guy was first to check in and I was left behind . The new tickets that were offered to me were in the middle of October and for astronomical price. Going back with nothing was not an option for me. I was late for school I had no money for. So, I just said F$ck it, I'll take a one year break and see what happens . And you know, things somehow started arranging around me. I even got me my first credit card with City Bank thanks to some computer magic, lol I thought conditions were a joke at first but it paid itself off later.... so Heyyyyyyy

Angeldust, having no passport is a huge problem. Not sure what to suggest you here at this point and I am getting sleepy here. We can talk later. Also feel free to PM me!

Sending hugs

Garnet 

 

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...I read just this first post...

...but it is clear to me that you are fully capable of understanding your circumstances and helping yourself.

maybe re-read your own complaints.

a better question might be, why do you feel the need to reach out to others to give you advice you don't really need. Reading your own diary and really thinking about it objectively is all you need to do.

I guess you can do it publicly, or semi-publicly, here if you want to.

don't know why it's in a spiritual forum.

aren't there other princesses somewhere who like writing long posts with intimate details of their lives.

PS just give your boyfriend really good blow jobs. next time things get hot and he doesn't want to use  condom, say, 'ok look just sit back,' and then give him a nice 10- 15- minute blowjob. make sure to alternate between your mouth and hands to really make him explode. just relax and make it clear that your milking him into your face.  then lay next to him and cuddle, but not smother, him.

I call this the swallow-and-cuddle and it works wonders for relationships.

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