Tessa Rae

Unsolicited Advice

4 posts in this topic

Unsolicited Advice

 

Hey all :)  Long time no see. I've been though quite a bit since I've been on here but I really missed this online community in the time I've been gone!

Anyways, back into the heart of it...

So, lately I've found myself having resistance to a friend of mine-- TOTALLY subconscious for a while, where I would end up flaking out when we would be about to hang out, until I was like, "what the hell is going on here" and decided to dive into the subconscious thinking behind my actions, since I didn't actually understand why I began acting the way I was.

I found that I didn't like being around her because I felt ashamed for being the way I am. She met me at a time in my life where I've basically been my worst self... I've been struggling with suicide, self harm, and honestly I'm quite reckless when I get into these spaces, and I know this. Yet at the same time, I value authenticity. So I have made it a goal of mine to be as open and honest as possible about how I am feeling, regardless of how I think it 'should' be, and regardless of how ugly it might be.

Our relationship is kind of based around these open exhanges about the workings of our inner world. We both are recovering from trauma, and so I really appreciate how she understands me in ways that other people don't seem to get me, and how we can both share tools that have helped us in our process.

However, we kind of take different approaches.

What I came to notice when uncovering my subconscious anxieties about hanging out with her is that she actually voices her opinions on how I live my life, quite frequently, and these opinions are actually quite the opposite of what I think is best for me at the time. She gives advice unsoliticted and it causes me to doubt my own intuition, especially since it so frequently seems to contradict the direction I myself feel pulled to going towards.

It puts me in a state of polarity then, every time we hang out. Because it's like on one hand, I want to be seen, and I want to be open about what I'm going through, but on the other hand, I am really tired of feeling ashamed for wanting to take my own course of action, since it so often seems to be in the opposite direction that she thinks is logical. In fact, when I'm around her I've noticed I start saying I will do things her way because if I don't, she has a way of making me feel insignificant for wanting to do things my own way. Even if the decisions I want to make are ultimately destructive, it's the sort of thing where I want to make my own mistakes and learn from them, then live my life by how someone else tells me to. I feel like those mistakes are more valuable than anything else I could learn by playing it safe.

I want to continue the friendship, but I am a bit conflicted internally about how to begin a conversation about this... And I'm not sure if a conversation would be the best course of action at this point.

What are you hearing when you read this experience? Do you have any thoughts about something I could do to bridge the gap between my feelings in a way that makes sense? I would love to find a way to just be open and own the fact that holding my own is something I struggle with, without making it into a manipulation to get her to stop doing that. The last thing I want is for people to 'walk on eggshells' around me, but it is a boundary of mine that I didn't realize was until I noticed I felt uncomfortable about it.

Edited by Tessa Rae

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Hi Tessa, i appreciate your honesty and post. At first i thought, it might be the way you are exposing your thoughts and feelings, if it is in a self pity way, you might get an answer on how to deal with that. It is definitely the way you expose them i think. Is it just a "selfish" intention to expose them and get the support you want? When we are exposing those thoughts, rather than living them, when we know what we want, it can turn into doubtful vibe and seek advice, if you know what i mean. You are also maybe not on the same frequency that much now. You can continue the friendship, but the activities maybe need to change? 

i love the idea of having company even in the "worst" of your experiences or ideas

i had similar experience and i realized ppl get so identified with their thoughts and knowledge, that they cant give insights, rather they call them "advices". But its always something a subconscious feeling and thought of yours is actually asking for. Validation? Recognition? Approval? 

good luck,thank you

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I have no desire to try and change how I carry myself in hopes of changing how other people react to me because this strikes me as being manipulative... I would honestly rather just talk about my feelings.

 

I think it would help me to ask her intentions behind giving me advice... That way I can discern more clearly for my own sake.

 

The subconscious thing I want is to be seen (recognition). So often it seems like people can't see me for who I am without trying to change me. In fact, I don't want pity because pity strikes me as wanting to change me. Most people don't dole out help from the kindness of their hearts, but because they can't stand to see another person in pain that they need to change them.

While they may have positive intentions, I end up feeling hurt because it feels like I'm never going to be good enough as I am, and that in order to get the sort of love and acceptance, I need to become more healed, I need to be better than I actually am. So I end up faking being healed because I'm afraid of being real, I'm afraid of the rejection. So I act like I'm doing well, then I crash and burn.

 

P.S. - I wish I could delete the copy of this thread, I don't know how that happened...

Edited by Tessa Rae

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On 11 September 2017 at 4:33 AM, Tessa Rae said:

P.S. - I wish I could delete the copy of this thread, I don't know how that happened...

Dear @Tessa Rae, maybe ask a Forum Moderator to delete for you. They are found at the top page of Forum posts...

Alternatively, treat this like you wrote all this down, then crumpled the paper up and burned it - releasing it to the Universe to just Be...  
Thirdly, my advice (get it) is to just wear it. Done, left.
It is a very human thing to think people need to hear what we have to say - part of that is like the quote: "Some Knowledge is a dangerous thing". No-one is perfect but the thing is the endeavour to be authentic and you are doing that by leaving this Post.
Wishing you well.

 

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