Tessa Rae

Unsolicited Advice

5 posts in this topic

Unsolicited Advice

Hey all :) Long time no see. I've been though quite a bit since I've been on here but I really missed this online community in the time I've been gone!

Anyways, back into the heart of it...

So, lately I've found myself having resistance to a friend of mine-- TOTALLY subconscious for a while, where I would end up flaking out when we would be about to hang out, until I was like, "what the hell is going on here" and decided to dive into the subconscious thinking behind my actions, since I didn't actually understand why I began acting the way I was.

I found that I didn't like being around her because I felt ashamed for being the way I am. She met me at a time in my life where I've basically been my worst self... I've been struggling with suicide, self harm, and honestly I'm quite reckless when I get into these spaces, and I know this. Yet at the same time, I value authenticity. So I have made it a goal of mine to be as open and honest as possible about how I am feeling, regardless of how I think it 'should' be, and regardless of how ugly it might be.

Our relationship is kind of based around these open exhanges about the workings of our inner world. We both are recovering from trauma, and so I really appreciate how she understands me in ways that other people don't seem to get me, and how we can both share tools that have helped us in our process.

However, we kind of take different approaches.

What I came to notice when uncovering my subconscious anxieties about hanging out with her is that she actually voices her opinions on how I live my life, quite frequently, and these opinions are actually quite the opposite of what I think is best for me at the time. She gives advice unsoliticted and it causes me to doubt my own intuition, especially since it so frequently seems to contradict the direction I myself feel pulled to going towards.

It puts me in a state of polarity then, every time we hang out. Because it's like on one hand, I want to be seen, and I want to be open about what I'm going through, but on the other hand, I am really tired of feeling ashamed for wanting to take my own course of action, since it so often seems to be in the opposite direction that she thinks is logical. In fact, when I'm around her I've noticed I start saying I will do things her way because if I don't, she has a way of making me feel insignificant for wanting to do things my own way. Even if the decisions I want to make are ultimately destructive, it's the sort of thing where I want to make my own mistakes and learn from them, then live my life by how someone else tells me to. I feel like those mistakes are more valuable than anything else I could learn by playing it safe.

I want to continue the friendship, but I am a bit conflicted internally about how to begin a conversation about this... And I'm not sure if a conversation would be the best course of action at this point.

What are you hearing when you read this experience? Do you have any thoughts about something I could do to bridge the gap between my feelings in a way that makes sense? I would love to find a way to just be open and own the fact that holding my own is something I struggle with, without making it into a manipulation to get her to stop doing that. The last thing I want is for people to 'walk on eggshells' around me, but it is a boundary of mine that I didn't realize was until I noticed I felt uncomfortable about it.

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Giving unsolicited advice is a sign of narcissism. 

I was in a similar relationship. And although it seems you have found your "soul mate", someone to talk with on these topics, don't be deceited. A narcist will ruin you totally if you are in a weak spot, that's how they pick their victims. If you're stronger than a narcist, they won't approach you in the first place. And I don't think too that talking will help. 

 

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I believe every archetype exists, the artist, rich guy, genius, ascended master, singer, anything you can think of is here, so when people are comparing you to themselves that's useless already because everyone has their own blueprint, yes the "normal" thing is to be socialized and be a good boy/girl, but we have emotions and have been through shit in life, that is what makes people connect, I love getting to the core right away but not everyone likes that or is capable of doing that, but it's a walk in the park for me lol. introverts naturally do that. are you at least learning? or are you teaching her something about herself?

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Hi Tessa! Good to see you again!

I can't recall any of my friends saying things like that. The only people who did say or act this way were my mother and maybe my managers i had to work for (you know, how they like to say this and that and that's THE ONLY F WAY). So either way it's motherly instinct kicks in. I think. As you noticed to make the relationship like this possible you have to silently agree. I doubt anything will change. It is up to you. Sometimes friends do feel that if you start talking about personal problems then maybe you are in a need of advice. Maybe you need clear that out prior the start of the conversation by saying that you just need to take things of the chest.

I generally tolerate unsolicited advice but ONLY when it's about me. If the other brings out my family and/or closest friends in a way that is completely unfair to them ,that's when my fire ball starts growing and I have to draw a clear line before it gets ugly. 

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Hey, i think there was a comment of mine here, and then you answered to it... Now it's gone, i wonder why, and how come ppl respond after i am gone... Anyway, i thought about your comment back to me, mentioning something about "that would be manipulative, to change myself in order to be liked" or something... I had thoughts on it and urges to write back, but i said to myself, ok i'm gonna let this girl do what she thinks is best, since i find you quite independent, and everything that comes with that... However, i will give my thoughts here now, in regards to what i remember you wrote back, since my comment is deleted and i am pissed off... So to me, manipulation is the basic of this universe. We manipulate everyday, every moment, our thoughts, our energy, our magnetic field, we do that to other ppl too, everything we do is a creation, or destruction. What i found you saying was, No, i'm not going to manipulate (i meant btw manipulating or changing YOUR perspective, yourself, in order to FEEL BETTER, not change someone else, which comes naturally btw, we are all connected),, so you are not going to "manipulate", but you would rather ABUSE, by presenting who you are, as blatantly as you can (i wouldnt know how you do that anyway), so just putting yourself out there, in order not to "manipulate", but to me, the thing you are doing, is abuse. Meaning you dont give any concerns about how the partner is feeling, but rather want to expose everything out there. We can talk on this a lot more and brainstorm, but to me this is just a symptom of youth, being young, which is ok. (just trying to be mild again :)

@Alex7 sorry alex, i cant delete this now, thought of agreeing publicly with your response , i wish i had a walk in the park with you :)))

i cant delete the hashtag , bye

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