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Black'n'white

Hi dear tribe,

i recently realised 

a) that i have a deep fear in myself present almost 24/7, this fear makes me lie, pretend, have to say Yes when i wanna say no, use people, manipulation, victim neediness, debts,...i am glad i did become aware of it

b) there is a lot of judgement and resistance in me, i tend to see the world black and white in my mind.. i realised the ridiculness of this but my internal judge is very strong and wont stop

Today i went to one cozy vegan restaurant to get some tasty food i love (i love that place) and i saw a guy who i knew before and there were other nice people there but because of my fear i did not let them know even by my facial expression that i like them and that they are nice but my whole face went hard as some rock armour and i felt they were scared by me and kinda not so happy i visí teď the restaurant and that made me feel really sorry for that in my heart... i want to connect with people love jen and have good relationships with them and not to act and be perceived s some hater...

once one psychic person and spiritual guru whom i really admired told me i am a psychic vampire and since then i started judging myself off thinking badly about myself almost hating myself and i dont know what to do with that... i felt so scared that i could hurt other people so that the only thing i could do to prevent it is reject myself, judge myself off even more and bude myself behind the could mask even more... my heart a He's when i am writing this

Have you experienced something similar in your life?

have you any insight?

 

thank you

 

 

 

 

 

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Well Yes i supposed that Would help. I have struggles with money (struggle conditioning) so its not always easy to get the support i need. 

Today i also realised that i am actually creating being refused by people by my subconscious mind, because it's maybe the only way i can feel empowered.

thank you.

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