ascension21

Living in the negative shadow of "Family"

3 posts in this topic

Living in the negative shadow of "Family"

For my entire life, I’ve been living in the shadows of my brother’s negativity. I’ve also been the scapegoat for the cause of a near fatal auto accident due to the fact that when I was younger, it was my friend’s birthday party we were on our way to when we wrecked. Note, that I was too young to drive and my brother was forced by my parents to drive me. Technically, the accident was not my fault, but I still feel resentment from him due to this. Not only that, but the girl who’s birthday party I was trying to attend for her no longer talks to me. As for the shadows of negativity… many years have passed since growing up and going to high school in my small town. I could never have a clean image in my town due to the complications and judgements associated with my brother, and therefore me. For example, he was bullied for being gay. While this stunned his ability to expand in self growth, it spawned a very egotistical, disrespectful, defensive, manipulative, condescending, and selfish aspect of him that took over his being. He is still this way and I don’t believe will ever become conscious of changing it. Now, I do resonate what he went through and I want to help, but he’s someone who thinks he doesn’t need any help and will deny and reject any offers for self work, much less coming from someone who is younger than him. Also, I am gay as well. This did not help his self esteem whatsoever as I believe he felt the attention he needed would become taken away; I know he perceived or still perceives me as a threat. A threat to what I don’t know, his image, his ego, his intimate connection with our mother I believe. He still treats me badly and I know it’s because he is triggered when I’m around. He’s triggered at the fact that I’m better looking and younger. He’s triggered at the fact that I’m smarter. He’s triggered at the fact that I don’t buy into materialism or socialization. He’s triggered at the fact that I’m conscious (yet, he doesn’t even know what this really means). 

At any chance he can, he’ll try to defeat my self esteem and self worth. He’ll say things to me like, “You have no friends”, “You’re a failure for moving back home”, and “No one cares what you have to say.” Meanwhile, he is still living at home (never ever left once) since he graduated high school in 2006 - so that’s been 11 years. And the “no friends” bit kills me because he becomes “friends” with people I graduated with in 2011 on Facebook. He specifically tries to use this as a coy to trigger me and my past for harm. He also tells people only about my troubles and issues and nothing good. I was also bullied in high school for being gay, almost double the impact, because the town knew that he too was gay. So, between him and I, our family was seen as a disgrace and evil by religiously indoctrinated people. He is not nice to his so called “friends” either. He likes drama. He’ll say extremely negative things about people behind their backs. He cusses in every sentence to my parents. He never does anything around the house to help. He’s just so negative and has always been this way that it has taken its toll on me tenfold. I could never express myself fully or completely commit to a friendship growing up because it was overshadowed by his drama, uninvited insertion into my affairs, and constant crusade to diminish my presence. It has hurt me so much because I have been doing everything considered “good” for as long as I can remember. I went to college, graduated in three years, moved on and lived out of state on my own. So, I would consider myself successful, but it destroys me emotionally and sickens me to think that this is what family is. Aside from all of this, I’ve been closeted for years and just recently came out to my parents. While my dad didn’t want to accept me at all, my mom downplayed it’s importance and didn’t take it seriously because my brother had come out to her years prior. I believe she thinks it’s a phase or fad and she didn’t take it or me seriously. They still have this image painted in their head of who I’m supposed to be and how I’m supposed to act. It’s conditional love and always has been. I realize now that they had kids for the sake of impressing others and upholding a traditional image. They don’t want emotional connection or a conscious relationship at all.
 
I’ve never felt at home or truly like I had a home. I’ve always been resisting the chaos and fleeing at any moment I can. This incarnation has been the most challenging one I think I’ve ever faced. Too much has occurred for me to write here. But, I hate to leave this life without people knowing the true, authentic me and being remembered as what this “family” wants people to believe I was. I’m going to try using the completion process on this relationship and see if anything resolves, but I cannot change him for him. I could use any thoughts or conscious positivity in my direction to assist in leaving this situation and finally flourish into my own independence. Thank you so much 

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5 minutes ago, ascension21 said:

I hate to leave this life without people knowing the true, authentic me and being remembered as what this “family” wants people to believe I was. I’m going to try using the completion process on this relationship and see if anything resolves, but I cannot change him for him. I could use any thoughts or conscious positivity in my direction to assist in leaving this situation and finally flourish into my own independence.

There is beauty in the likely infinite lifespan of the internet as regards recording ones own perspective for posterity. It broadcasts one's own experience and allows authenticity- which can be so desperately needed when it feels like one's immediate relations cannot see you for who you are, and only see an idea in the place of a person. An idea which is their armour from feeling the vulnerability of powerlessness (relative to the traumatic car accident). 

Sounds like the main feeling you're experiencing is feeling misunderstood, not seen; the antithesis of intimacy. Also it sounds like your experiencing with a home that is 'lacking' is birthing the desire for a sanctuary where you can feel free from the pain which is attendent with this. The image of 'independence', aka separation from other people who could also cause you harm or misunderstand you, seems to be a guiding one for you. Eventually... in order to repair the childhood wounds you may find seeking out connections with others, who can truly see into you, healing; in as much as if wounds were caused by people, they can only be healed by going towards people rather than avoiding them. 

15 minutes ago, ascension21 said:

I don’t buy into materialism or socialization

I would think about why materialism (the value of the material world) and socialization (value placed upon being social; human interaction) might perhaps have positives. Of course, it is understandable to not buy into our society's prioritisation of them in avoidance of their opposites, which I would say are 'spirituality' and 'presence with oneself' which are valuable for self-awareness and being conscious. But there are hidden treasures within the spiritual person's shadow of matter. Money and other physical avenues of abundance are material. The place you live is material. The possibility of moving away from your family is contingent on the material.  

Hope this is digestible food for thought.

 

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