hanging buoy

How to get over the Ex in more ways than one

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How to get over the Ex in more ways than one

I'm in a tricky complicated relationship where my partner has her Ex which she was with for ten years married and through some ups and downs. He is the father of two of her children and she recently admitted sleeping with him and lying to me about being separated. So, she was sleeping with the both of us and living a secret life without the other knowing. She told me she did this out of pity for him and that I meant more... now, his mother is dying and he suffers mental illness and everyone around her is pushing her to support him. He loves her and she is probably still romantically involved behind my back and I've tried to leave her but the sheer fear of heartbreak allows me the need or want to keep making up with her. My heart tells me it's a bad situation but my loneliness keeps dragging me back to her. She can't objectively be in love with two men at the same time surely one would be chosen but her weakness allows dictation of path. I want to secretly move on and forget her but the pain gnaws... any advice? 

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On 05/08/2017 at 10:11 AM, hanging buoy said:

My heart tells me it's a bad situation but my loneliness keeps dragging me back to her. She can't objectively be in love with two men at the same time surely one would be chosen but her weakness allows dictation of path. I want to secretly move on and forget her but the pain gnaws... any advice? 

It sounds like you have conflict within yourself (your will) between multiple desires: the desire to remain connected and the desire to be apart from this person.

The desire to be connected is necessary to fulfill your need for human companionship; your desire for separation perhaps fulfils the need to take control and progress the situation so that you can create a manifestation of the separation you feel already must exist for this person to love someone else (as well)... 

You might find it helpful to try and work out an alternative way your need for companionship (aka the antidote to loneliness) to be met.

If you get the needs met which you are currently are via this person in another way--- plus if you figure out the shadow reasons to why you unconsciously benefit from being part of this drama, i.e. if you figure out why it is a situation that you are a match to (perhaps by being 'good' by being the victim, or it mirroring a childhood parental dynamic where you were lied to and felt unloved)- this may help you become 'unstuck'.   

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